WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?
First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.
Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.
Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with ‘self soothing’ and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.
Finally, there are the ‘Scaremongerering Shitheads’, who spout a load shit at you about the hazards of co-sleeping and keep tagging you on ‘READ THIS OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE’ articles on Facebook without actually checking the facts. I can only assume that these people truly believe that you are a drunk IDIOT who sleeps with babies while smoking fags on a sofa made out of danger.
So after years of enduring a lot of co-sleeping-based ‘advice’, hysteria and ‘helpful’ observations, I have come up with a few responses guaranteed to shut these unsolicited advisors DOWN (and possibly make sure they never speak to you again because they think you’re a twisted weirdo).
Comebacks for co-sleepers
THEM: You really need to teach her to self-soothe or she’ll never get herself to sleep. YOU: You are right! If I do things for her that she can’t do because she is an actual baby, she might stay a baby forever. I’m also thinking of leaving her lying on the carpet until she learns to ‘self-transport’ and keeping her in a shitty nappy until she learns to self-shit-wipe? That way she’ll be totally self-sufficient by the time she is one-years-old! Actually forget that, I am pretty sure that self-soothing is bollocks.
THEM: Oh my god you let your baby sleep in the Marital Bed? But what about sex? How do you do the sex? Your marriage is doomed without the bed sex?
YOU: Oh it’s fine we just have sex with the baby there while shouting ‘this is how we made you, sweetie’. It’s a real turn on (too much?)
THEM: It is dangerous to share your bed with a baby – they could die!
YOU: Yes but I like living on the edge. I suppose I could read all the safety guidelines, get rid of my bed of nails and co-sleep safely but what would be the fun in that?
THEM: If you feed your baby to sleep, you’ll always have to feed her to sleep.
YOU: Tell me about it. My poor old mum fed me to sleep when I was a baby, and now every night I’m on the phone; ‘mum can you bring me a sandwich?’ and she whizzes round and feeds me a ham roll until I drop off. Bless her.
THEM: If you cuddle or rock your baby to sleep, it’ll become their sleep crutch and you’ll have to rock or cuddle them to sleep forever.
YOU: Oh, I don’t mind the cuddling and rocking but it’s performing the nightly satanic rituals that are a pain in the arse. We did them a few times to comfort her and now she simply won’t settle until we’ve sacrificed a badger to the devil. The old ‘Four Bs’ Routine- bath, book, badger slaughter and bed is a nightmare.
THEM: She’ll grow up to be totally dependant on you if you cuddle her all night.
YOU: Awww do you need a little cuddle?
THEM: If she gets used to sleeping with you she’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by herself’.
YOU: I carried my babies before they could walk. Later, I held their tiny hands to support them as they toddled unsteadily around the room. Then when they were ready to take their first steps, I was there to catch them if they fell. They weren’t scared because they knew I was there if they needed me. They can walk now and don’t need me to carry them any more.
I reckon it is the same with sleep. Babies need us to help them sleep because we make them feel safe. If they wake up scared and alone, they need to know we are there. To catch them when they fall. They need us to support them, until they can sleep alone.
If we carry them when they need us, one day they will fly. Or sleep. Preferably f**king sleep.
MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS
Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!