How Babies Actually Work

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news….

This General Election campaign is almost over!!

2) And the bad news…

We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.

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SURVIVOR STORY: From sleepless nights to social enterprise

In this latest Sleep Thief Survivor story, mother-of-two Sally Bunkham tells us how her experience of postnatal depression inspired her to launch a social enterprise mumsback.com.  The company provides hampers for new mums containing all the things they can’t have while pregnant and £1 from each one sold goes to the  postnatal illness support charity the PANDAS Foundation.

This is Sally’s story:

“I cannot believe I have reached the point where I am considered a “survivor”, but it’s true, I really am! I never thought I’d make it.

“Motherhood began in a whirlwind for me, and never really slowed down. My first daughter, Daisy, was born 4 weeks early back in summer 2014. She was a tiny, helpless, beautiful surprise and motherhood hit me like a tonne of bricks. I found breastfeeding really difficult. A long battle & gruelling routine ensued of trying to latch, pump, sterilise bottles and make formula, whilst also trying to eat and sleep. It was hellish. I was finally diagnosed with a medical condition that concluded I was only able to produce a few drops of milk. That hit me really hard. I cried. A lot. It was exhausting. But once over that on we plodded as a new little family. Daisy was a very average sleeper, but we were getting by in a daze. We were high on the “new parents” adrenalin. Continue reading

The Last Time (Thank God For That)

 

THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)

This may be the last time you sleep on my chest,
I should cherish it now and start feeling blessed.

BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I’m trapped under you
Exhausted and lonely and needing the loo.

This may be the last time you feed from my breast,
I should try to enjoy it and stop feeling stressed
BUT THEN AGAIN… Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: 9 ways to pass the time: Edition #5

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news

Today is a big day. Tomorrow morning I will wake up to a new era.  After months and months of thinking about it and stressing about it, I made my decision and went for it…. Continue reading

The pointless sleep advice parents are sick of hearing

The Institute Of Real Life People With Actual BabiesThanks to the Internet we now have parenting tips available to us 24 hours a day!

While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.

One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.

For example:

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How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night

HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?

Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!

The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.

G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P a pioneering method featured in my new book Sleep is for the Weak– is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading

The Baby Who Did NOT Want To Fall Asleep

Best selling book The Rabbit Who Wants To Fall Asleep promises to get children to sleep in MINUTES… After reading it to my children I was inspired to write my own bed time story for the little ones who do NOT want to fall asleep…

bedtime story

 

ONCE upon a time there was a baby girl who did not want to fall asleep.

She would much rather stay up all night having fun, playing and laughing than to …fall asleep (shush now darling, let mummy read the nice story).

Her tired parents would embark on the same routine at the same time every single night in order to get her to fall asleep (stop hitting me in the face). Continue reading