‘How are you finding motherhood?’ People would ask shortly after the arrival of my first baby.
‘So great,’ I lied, fighting back the tears. ‘Best thing ever.’
The truth is, I felt like crap.
But I had seen the smiling new mums on Facebook and Instagram holding tiny babies in their arms. I had read the glossy parenting magazines. I knew how I should be feeling. I should be glowing with happiness at the arrival of a beautiful, healthy child. So why wasn’t I?
WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?
First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.
Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.
Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with ‘self soothing’ and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.
When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading →
According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,
‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’
Does your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot? Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?
Then this is the method for you.
Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.