WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are
not enjoying this hot weather.
Parents. Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night.
As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.
But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.
Here is the
only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it’s really bloody hot
You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?
PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.
Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.
Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.
Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…
Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.
Well, it’s all bollocks. Continue reading
You’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.
So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.
Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this: Continue reading
Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.
They are also symptoms of depression.
This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.
The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP!
Sleep Is For The Weak is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night…
This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully.
I am not going to lie.
This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.
In fact, it won’t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.
But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night withou
t punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to a travelling circus.
It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies. Continue reading
Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
1) The good news….
It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.
2) The bad news…
It is the summer holidays so no
school for six weeks…
I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet. However, it is only Day five.
Here is one thing i have learnt his week
Never play Guess Who with a 4 year old because it will end in tears..
ME: Right, you go first!
4YO: Who are you?
ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.
4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?
4YO: Are you a banana?
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES
Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb
The biggest mistake new parents make is to
forget where babies come from.
I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘
who does she look like?’ and ‘ I think she has your nose’ and ‘ oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.
Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?
Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us
down in a cot, all by our little old selves??
‘Where the hell is my womb?’ We are thinking. “ Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.” Continue reading
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES
LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB
Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.
Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will
not accept this.
They try and work out how to
fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s lush womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading
Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
1) The Good news….
This General Election campaign is almost over!!
2) And the bad news…
We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.
Trying to look all professional and authory
Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!
So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!
So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.
Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear: Continue reading