Handy comebacks for co-sleepers

WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?

First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.

Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.

Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with  ‘self soothing’  and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.

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It’s all a load of bollocks

You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks. Continue reading

Sleep-deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired?

Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.

They are also symptoms of depression.

This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.

The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP! Continue reading

Baby Trapped Edition 8: 9 things to entertain you during the long, long, long summer holidays

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Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The good news….

It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.

2) The bad news…

It is the summer holidays so no school  for six weeks…

I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet.  However,  it is only  Day five.

Here is one thing i have learnt his week

Never play Guess Who with a 4 year old because it will end in tears..

ME: Right, you go first!

4YO: Who are you?

ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.

4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?

ME: No.

4YO: Are you a banana?

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How Babies Actually Work

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s lush womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading

How to survive a book launch without swearing at your kids

Trying to look all professional and authory

Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!

So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!

So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.

Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear:  Continue reading

Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

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This may be the last time to cherish every moment because they grow up so fast

cherishI have a confession to make.

When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading

How much sleep does a baby really need? Real Life People With Actual Babies reveal the answer

how much sleep should my baby get?

According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,

‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’

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How to put a baby in a cot (without losing your shit)

drowsybutawakeDoes your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot?  Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?

Then this is the method for you.

Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.

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