A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.” Continue reading

How Babies Actually Work

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news….

This General Election campaign is almost over!!

2) And the bad news…

We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.

Continue reading

How to survive a book launch without swearing at your kids

Trying to look all professional and authory

Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!

So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!

So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.

Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear:  Continue reading

Tired Mum Versus Google…

TIRED MUM: Dear Google, can you die from sleep deprivation?

GOOGLE: In the 1980s, a researcher named Allan Rechtschaffen conducted a series of ground-breaking experiments on rats who died. After 32 days of total sleep deprivation, all the rats were dead.’

TIRED MUM: But what about humans? Google, what are the effects of sleep-deprivation on humans?

GOOGLE: Regular poor sleep puts you at risk of various conditions, including depression, heart disease and diabetes – and it shortens your life expectancy.

TIRED MUM: Oh god!

GOOGLE: Oh and it might make you obese.

TIRED MUM: Anything else?

GOOGLE: Hallucinations, possible brain damage…

TIRED MUM:  OK, ok stop. I don’t want to hear anymore. So what can I do? I can stop this, right? Google, how can I prevent the effects of sleep deprivation?

GOOGLE: Get some sleep.

TIRED MUM: But I have a baby!

Continue reading

The Last Time (Thank God For That)

 

THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)

This may be the last time you sleep on my chest,
I should cherish it now and start feeling blessed.

BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I’m trapped under you
Exhausted and lonely and needing the loo.

This may be the last time you feed from my breast,
I should try to enjoy it and stop feeling stressed
BUT THEN AGAIN… Continue reading

How to quit mornings with kids

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading

Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

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SLEEP-TRAINING FOR GROWN UPS

The Internet is awash with ‘research’ that shows sleep training is bad for our babies. However, there is also an abundance of ‘research; suggesting that NOT sleep training is bad for our babies. (The research is usually taken from studies of 4 babies, 2 kangaroo cubs and a tadpole so it is almost always definitely accurate). So when it comes to baby sleep, what bullshit advice are we supposed to follow? Continue reading