According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,
‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’
I used to have a clean house, clean clothes and clean hair.
Then I had children.
My standards gradually slipped lower and lower and before I knew it, I was eating the remains of a rice cake off the floor to avoid having to walk to the bin.
Not because I am lazy; but because some days, I am just too tired to care.
Here are a few dirty secrets that only a really tired parent will understand:
When I am vacuuming, I will stamp on an old biscuit to make it fit up the hoover pipe instead of picking it up.
I have thrown away dirty saucepans because I can’t face scrubbing them.
I have told my kids the DVD player is broken so I don’t have to put one on for them. If it is not on the Sky planner, they are not watching it.
I have put the same wash on six times because I am too tired to hang it out.
I have thrown out baby clothes after a nappy leak rather than clean them.
I have watched the ‘no signal’ sign bobbing about the screen for hours because I can’t reach the remote control.
I have also watched the blue screen on the CBeebies channel at night for the same reason.
I have taken alternate bites of bread and cheese because making a sandwich is too much effort.
I wear the same pair of socks for at least three days to avoid more laundry.
I like to watch something dirty on the TV
If a child wees on the settee I sometimes just throw a towel over it until it dries.
I never wash my bras.
I will tell my partner I am popping out for milk then sit in the car park outside the supermarket for half an hour enjoying the peace.
I only wash the bed sheets when someone pukes or pisses on them.
I will spend half an hour rearranging the dishwasher so I don’t have to wash up the one cup that won’t fit.
I never answer the phone because conversations are way too much effort.
I use my bag for life to keep carrier bags in which kid of defeats the object.
My TV is permanently covered in dirty handprints.
I will use any suitable substitute I can find when I run out of toilet roll to avoid a trip to the shop. Kitchen roll, baby wipes, the cardboard inner tube, sanitary towels or cotton wool.
I only properly tidy up the house when I have people coming to visit.
Do you have any dirty secrets to share? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook or Twitter.
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Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).