The Break Up

“We need to talk.” I said. “There is no easy way to say this but I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I have changed and I don’t need you any more.”

“You can’t do this,” You replied. “You need me. You’ll always need me.”

“Not any more.” I explained. “I met you at difficult time and you made my life better. You helped me find my way back to the person I was before things got tough.  But I no longer need you.”

“You’ll be back,” You muttered and I turned and walked away. Continue reading

Five Minutes’ Peace: TheUncut Version

THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole.

Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.

Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday. 

She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door.

Continue reading

How much sleep does a baby really need? Real Life People With Actual Babies reveal the answer

how much sleep should my baby get?

According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,

‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’

Continue reading

A Sleep-Deprived Mother’s Guide To Dinnertime

dinner time‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.

I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears.  There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.

‘Please’  I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’

Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.

I pick up the knife. Continue reading

What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am. Continue reading

A Sleep-Deprived Parent’s Guide to Cleaning

CLEAN

Do you have babies who won’t sleep or leave you the hell alone for five minutes?

Then it is very likely your house is a shit hole little messy…

Not because you are lazy; but because some days you are just too tired to care. When you have been up with a baby ALL NIGHT cleaning is way too much effort.

But help is at hand! I KNOW the secret to having the perfect home when you are too tired to do any housework.

Continue reading

How To Get Things Done When You Are too Tired To Do Things

fcedcc6abd4aa83dbc2faaef6ff8e1eeIT is Christmas Eve.  All I want to do is to go to bed and sleep all day but I have two small children and Things To Do. I hate Things To Do.

‘I’ll get up, get dressed and get organised, I thought as i forced myself out of bed this morning. ‘I’ll write a list!  A THINGS TO DO LIST. And I shall do all the things.’

Continue reading

My epic failure as a school mum. ..on day one

falling-downSince becoming a mother I have made my fair share of silly mistakes.

But never before had the stakes been so high…

I grabbed my two-year-old daughter and headed for the exit of the busy supermarket.

She screamed in objection to the sudden urgency, but I needed to get out of there. Time was running out. Continue reading

19 dirty secrets of a sleep-deprived parent

I used to have a clean house, clean clothes and clean hair.

Then I had children.

My standards gradually slipped lower and lower and before I knew it,  I was eating the remains of a rice cake off the floor to avoid having to walk to the bin.

Not because I am lazy; but because some days, I am just too tired to care.

Here are a few dirty secrets that only a really tired parent will understand:

When I am vacuuming, I will stamp on an old biscuit to make it fit up the hoover pipe instead of picking it up.

I have thrown away dirty saucepans because I can’t face scrubbing them.

I have told my kids the DVD player is broken so I don’t have to put one on for them. If it is not on the Sky planner, they are not watching it.

I have put the same wash on six times because I am too tired to hang it out.

I have thrown out baby clothes after a nappy leak rather than clean them.

I have watched the ‘no signal’ sign bobbing about the screen for hours because I can’t reach the remote control.

I have also watched the blue screen on the CBeebies channel at night for the same reason.

I have taken alternate bites of bread and cheese because making a sandwich is too much effort.

I wear the same pair of socks for at least three days to avoid more laundry.

I like to watch something dirty on the TV

If a child wees on the settee I sometimes just throw a towel over it until it dries.

I never wash my bras.

I will tell my partner I am popping out for milk then sit in the car park outside the supermarket for half an hour enjoying the peace.

I only wash the bed sheets when someone pukes or pisses on them.

I will spend half an hour rearranging the dishwasher so I don’t have to wash up the one cup that won’t fit.

I never answer the phone because conversations are way too much effort.

I use my bag for life to keep carrier bags in which kid of defeats the object.

My TV is permanently covered in dirty handprints.

I will use any suitable substitute I can find when I run out of toilet roll to avoid a trip to the shop. Kitchen roll, baby wipes, the cardboard inner tube, sanitary towels or cotton wool.

I only properly tidy up the house when I have people coming to visit.

Do you have any dirty secrets to share? Tell us in the comments below or on Facebook or Twitter.


THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

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