A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES
LESSON 1: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO LIFE OUTSIDE THE WOMB
Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.
Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will
not accept this.
They try and work out how to
fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading
Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
1) The Good news….
This General Election campaign is almost over!!
2) And the bad news…
We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.
TIRED MUM: Dear Google, can you die from sleep deprivation?
GOOGLE: In the 1980s, a researcher named Allan Rechtschaffen conducted a series of ground-breaking experiments on rats who died. After 32 days of total sleep deprivation, all the rats were dead.’
TIRED MUM: But what about humans? Google, what are the effects of sleep-deprivation on humans?
GOOGLE: Regular poor sleep puts you at risk of various conditions, including depression, heart disease and diabetes – and it shortens your life expectancy.
TIRED MUM: Oh god!
GOOGLE: Oh and it might make you obese.
TIRED MUM: Anything else?
GOOGLE: Hallucinations, possible brain damage…
TIRED MUM: OK, ok stop. I don’t want to hear anymore. So what can I do? I can stop this, right? Google, how can I prevent the effects of sleep deprivation?
GOOGLE: Get some sleep.
TIRED MUM: But I have a baby!
I have a confession to make.
When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED.
You are in the supermarket.
The man in the front of you in the queue is paying in pennies.
The woman behind him has a FULL trolley.
The check out girl has called for a supervisor.
You have milk, nappies, a toddler and a screaming baby. Continue reading
HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?
Are you too damn tired to try
another stupid ‘revolutionary’ that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand! sleep technique
Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.
G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading
This morning I was the victim of an assault.
totally unprovoked attack my two-year-old whacked me in the face with her sippy cup.
And then she laughed.
So I called her an arsehole and necked a bottle of gin.
I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DO THAT. Continue reading