A Baby’s Guide To Dealing With Arseholes

(Picture: Getty)

 A BABY’S GUIDE TO BABIES (BECAUSE PARENTS ARE IDIOTS)

LESSON 3: How to visit a new baby without being an arsehole

Did you know that moving house is considered one of life’s most stressful events?

So imagine not only moving house, but moving entire universes. Because that my friends, is how it feels when new babies relocate from Inside A Woman to Outside A Woman. It’s a BIG deal.

Seriously, it is crazy on the outside! Every single thing we see is new and strange. I once just stared at a cushion for three hours. THREE HOURS spent just trying to work out what the hell it’s game was!

Have you ever wondered why babies sometimes cry a lot for no apparent reason? It’s because we are living in a state of continuous mind-fuckery ( I believe the grown ups call this ‘colic’).

Continue reading

What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am. Continue reading

To the idiot who thought motherhood would be easy

266983_6112 copy

 

 

 

 

 

 

To my pre-pregnant self (the idiot who thought she had it all figured out), 

If you are reading this letter then time travel has been invented. Good, because now I can come back in time and punch you in the face. Continue reading

Why The HELL is My Baby Not Doing This Yet?

bw whyWhen I came home from hospital with my first baby I became obsessed with everything being ‘normal.’ Is what my baby doing normal? Am I normal? Is this normal, is that normal?

I did everything I could to check that my newborn was progressing normally. I studied developmental charts in the What To Expect books and signed up for those monthly ‘Why The Hell Is My Baby Not Doing This Yet?’ emails that list all the things your little one really should be doing by now.

If you are a brand-new parent, a quick word of advice… Continue reading

SURVIVOR STORY: HOW TO SURVIVE FATHERHOOD (ON BARELY ANY SLEEP)

Al & Teddy

Al & Teddy

Sleep thief survivor Al Ferguson explains how becoming a dad and experiencing the pain of a miscarriage led to the creation of The Dad Network. The 26-year-old launched the website after finding there were very few places for men to share their feelings on the challenges of parenthood. Continue reading

Six ways to have a perfectly imperfect Christmas

christmas kids

One of the best things about the festive season is that you can get away with breaking all the parenting rules and blame it on Christmas.

Mince pies before dinner tonight?  Why not, it’s Christmas!

Sherry in the afternoon? Don’t mind if I do! It’s Christmas!

CBeebies for two hours while I recover from that afternoon sherry, you say?  Sod it, it’s Christmas!

Continue reading

SURVIVOR STORY: Changing The World (Or Believing That You Can) On Two Hours Sleep A Night

The latest instalment in the Survivor Stories is by formerly sleep-deprived mother-of-two Leila Boukarim. On discovering her son was a Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) she decided to change the world…starting with a series of children’s books!

leila 2

LEILA’S STORY:

Prolonged sleep deprivation is a miserable, unnatural phenomenon that will drive anyone to the brink of total insanity. At times, I was convinced it might even kill me. And no matter how many books you read or what people will tell you, nothing can really prepare you for the nightmare that is sleep deprivation.

Continue reading