A Baby’s Guide To Dealing With Arseholes

 A BABY’S GUIDE TO BABIES (BECAUSE PARENTS ARE IDIOTS)

LESSON 3: How not to be an arsehole visitor

Did you know that moving house is considered one of life’s most stressful events?

So imagine not only moving house, but moving entire universes. Because that my friends, is how it feels when new babies relocate from Inside A Woman to Outside A Woman. It’s a BIG deal.

Seriously, it is crazy on the outside! Every single thing we see is new and strange. I once just stared at a cushion for three hours. THREE HOURS spent just trying to work out what the hell it’s game was.

Have you ever wondered why babies sometimes cry a lot for no apparent reason? It’s because we are living in a state of continuous mind-fuckery ( I believe the grown ups call this ‘colic’).

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It’s all a load of bollocks

You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks. Continue reading

A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums 

Mum forums GuideYou’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet  ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this: Continue reading

Sleep-deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired?

Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.

They are also symptoms of depression.

This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.

The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP! Continue reading

Baby Trapped Edition 8: 9 things to entertain you during the long, long, long summer holidays

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Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The good news….

It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.

2) The bad news…

It is the summer holidays so no school  for six weeks…

I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet.  However,  it is only  Day five.

Here is one thing i have learnt his week

Never play Guess Who with a 4 year old because it will end in tears..

ME: Right, you go first!

4YO: Who are you?

ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.

4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?

ME: No.

4YO: Are you a banana?

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How Babies Actually Work

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news….

This General Election campaign is almost over!!

2) And the bad news…

We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.

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SURVIVOR STORY: From sleepless nights to social enterprise

In this latest Sleep Thief Survivor story, mother-of-two Sally Bunkham tells us how her experience of postnatal depression inspired her to launch a social enterprise mumsback.com.  The company provides hampers for new mums containing all the things they can’t have while pregnant and £1 from each one sold goes to the  postnatal illness support charity the PANDAS Foundation.

This is Sally’s story:

“I cannot believe I have reached the point where I am considered a “survivor”, but it’s true, I really am! I never thought I’d make it.

“Motherhood began in a whirlwind for me, and never really slowed down. My first daughter, Daisy, was born 4 weeks early back in summer 2014. She was a tiny, helpless, beautiful surprise and motherhood hit me like a tonne of bricks. I found breastfeeding really difficult. A long battle & gruelling routine ensued of trying to latch, pump, sterilise bottles and make formula, whilst also trying to eat and sleep. It was hellish. I was finally diagnosed with a medical condition that concluded I was only able to produce a few drops of milk. That hit me really hard. I cried. A lot. It was exhausting. But once over that on we plodded as a new little family. Daisy was a very average sleeper, but we were getting by in a daze. We were high on the “new parents” adrenalin. Continue reading

How to quit mornings with kids

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading

The Break Up

“We need to talk.” I said. “There is no easy way to say this but I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I have changed and I don’t need you any more.”

“You can’t do this,” You replied. “You need me. You’ll always need me.”

“Not any more.” I explained. “I met you at difficult time and you made my life better. You helped me find my way back to the person I was before things got tough.  But I no longer need you.”

“You’ll be back,” You muttered and I turned and walked away. Continue reading