‘How are you finding motherhood?’ People would ask shortly after the arrival of my first baby.
‘So great,’ I lied, fighting back the tears. ‘Best thing ever.’
The truth is, I felt like crap.
But I had seen the smiling new mums on Facebook and Instagram holding tiny babies in their arms. I had read the glossy parenting magazines. I knew how I should be feeling. I should be glowing with happiness at the arrival of a beautiful, healthy child. So why wasn’t I?
A bit about this newsletter….
To share news in the form of a letter with you. Mostly because no one in my house gives a shit about my news. They only care about snacks and going to the fucking park. Of course, there is a big chance that you don’t give a shit either. And you’ll get so bored reading this that you click on a Google Ad just to get away from me, in which case you just made me 0.000001p which was all part of my plan, SUCKER!
On a good day I’ll share the important stuff I have been writing like this investigative piece about a mysterious condition my children develop as soon as I switch off their light and say goodnight – you can check it out here ↓
And also this piece about my current bag situation…link below ↓ Continue reading
WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?
First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.
Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.
Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with ‘self soothing’ and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.
WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather.
Parents. Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night.
As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.
But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.
Here is the only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it’s really bloody hot
You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?
PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.
Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.
Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.
Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…
Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.
Well, it’s all bollocks. Continue reading
You’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.
So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.
Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this: Continue reading
Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.
They are also symptoms of depression.
This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.
The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP! Continue reading
It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.
It is the summer holidays so no school for six weeks…
I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet. However, it is only Day five.
Here is one thing i have learnt his week
ME: Right, you go first!
4YO: Who are you?
ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.
4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?
ME: No.
4YO: Are you a banana?
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIESLESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB
Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.
Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.
They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s lush womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading
This General Election campaign is almost over!!
We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.
