A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums 

You’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet  ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this:

 

 

EMILYJANE

I am so tired. My baby is six months old and still wakes up all night every night. Does anyone know how to get a baby to sleep?

MummaFucker:

I feel your pain. @EMILYJANE I haven’t slept for a bloody week!!

TiredMummy:

A week! I haven’t slept since 1984.

SuperMummy:

You lot don’t know the meaning of the word tired! I’m a single mum with one leg, I work three jobs,  I have 68 kids under 3 AND I am gluten intolerant. You ladies need to Mum up! 

SmugMum:

I hate to tell you this but my baby has slept through from six days old. Sorry not sorry 😉

MummaFucker:

I hate to tell you this @SmugMum but fuck off.

FordMum:

Are you still breastfeeding? If so, your baby is probably waking up for breast. Try weaning her.

MummaNuture:

Try breastfeeding. Breast is best!   Feed her two at a time if you can. Continue reading

Sleep-deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired?

Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.

They are also symptoms of depression.

This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.

The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP! Continue reading

Sleep Is For The Weak: The Book

Sleep Is For The Weak  is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night…

This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully.

I am not going to lie.

This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.

In fact, it won’t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.

But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night without punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to  a travelling circus.

It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies. Continue reading

Baby Trapped Edition 8: 9 things to entertain you during the long, long, long summer holidays

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Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The good news….

It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.

2) The bad news…

It is the summer holidays so no school  for six weeks…

I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet.  However,  it is only  Day five.

Here is one thing i have learnt his week

Never play Guess Who with a 4 year old because it will end in tears..

ME: Right, you go first!

4YO: Who are you?

ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.

4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?

ME: No.

4YO: Are you a banana?

Continue reading

A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.” Continue reading

How Babies Actually Work

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news….

This General Election campaign is almost over!!

2) And the bad news…

We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.

Continue reading

How to survive a book launch without swearing at your kids

Trying to look all professional and authory

Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!

So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!

So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.

Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear:  Continue reading

Tired Mum Versus Google…

TIRED MUM: Dear Google, can you die from sleep deprivation?

GOOGLE: In the 1980s, a researcher named Allan Rechtschaffen conducted a series of ground-breaking experiments on rats who died. After 32 days of total sleep deprivation, all the rats were dead.’

TIRED MUM: But what about humans? Google, what are the effects of sleep-deprivation on humans?

GOOGLE: Regular poor sleep puts you at risk of various conditions, including depression, heart disease and diabetes – and it shortens your life expectancy.

TIRED MUM: Oh god!

GOOGLE: Oh and it might make you obese.

TIRED MUM: Anything else?

GOOGLE: Hallucinations, possible brain damage…

TIRED MUM:  OK, ok stop. I don’t want to hear anymore. So what can I do? I can stop this, right? Google, how can I prevent the effects of sleep deprivation?

GOOGLE: Get some sleep.

TIRED MUM: But I have a baby!

Continue reading

SURVIVOR STORY: From sleepless nights to social enterprise

In this latest Sleep Thief Survivor story, mother-of-two Sally Bunkham tells us how her experience of postnatal depression inspired her to launch a social enterprise mumsback.com.  The company provides hampers for new mums containing all the things they can’t have while pregnant and £1 from each one sold goes to the  postnatal illness support charity the PANDAS Foundation.

This is Sally’s story:

“I cannot believe I have reached the point where I am considered a “survivor”, but it’s true, I really am! I never thought I’d make it.

“Motherhood began in a whirlwind for me, and never really slowed down. My first daughter, Daisy, was born 4 weeks early back in summer 2014. She was a tiny, helpless, beautiful surprise and motherhood hit me like a tonne of bricks. I found breastfeeding really difficult. A long battle & gruelling routine ensued of trying to latch, pump, sterilise bottles and make formula, whilst also trying to eat and sleep. It was hellish. I was finally diagnosed with a medical condition that concluded I was only able to produce a few drops of milk. That hit me really hard. I cried. A lot. It was exhausting. But once over that on we plodded as a new little family. Daisy was a very average sleeper, but we were getting by in a daze. We were high on the “new parents” adrenalin. Continue reading