13 Amazing Benefits to Being a Sleep-Deprived Parent

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According to the Internet, the sleep-deprived among us are well on our way to becoming obese, diabetic and depressed.

But I am here to tell you that are actually some amazing benefits to being woken up every night by a baby! Continue reading

You have been doing bedtime wrong your WHOLE life

bedtime-1Do you hate bedtime? Does it consistently make you miserable? Do you routinely spend most of the night in a dark room with a baby?

Have you been consistently routining your arse off since day ONE, yet your baby STILL won’t sleep?

Then this seven-step method is for you. Continue reading

When Depression Wants You Back

oh-shitI have this old friend.

She occasionally turns up at my door, totally out of the blue. I don’t see much of her any more but when she is here, it’s like she has never been away.

We met shortly after the birth of my eldest child. She came into my life and managed to get her feet firmly under the table.   Continue reading

19 Truths Postnatal Depression Does Not Want You To Know

20150331_105833Postnatal depression is manipulative. It floods your mind with self-doubt and negative thoughts.  It convinces you that you’re hopeless, a bad parent and a weak person. And the more you believe it, the stronger it gets.

Depression is determined. It wants to stay. It will trick you into believing you cannot do the things that will make you feel better such as talking, finding support, leaving the house, talking medication or going to therapy.

Depression is basically a dick. Continue reading

SATs strikes: Stop throwing books at our children’s heads…

MbookY heart is beating fast and I feel sick. I force myself to eat some chocolate because someone said it might help. I take a deep breath and open the door…

The hall is silent except for the occasional cough and the shuffling of chairs. The stench of nervous sweat lingers in the air.

“Turn over your papers, you may begin.”

I look at the clock and I am filled with panic. I feel like I might pass out. I pick up my pen but my palms are so sweaty it is hard to grip it properly. I want to cry. I want to scream, and I really need the toilet.

This was how I felt before every GCSE exam I took. I was 16. This was also how I felt before taking my driving test, aged 22, and my journalism training (NCTJ) exams when I was 24.

Being tested makes us feel anxious. Even the most academic of adults find being in an exam situation stressful, so it’s not hard to imagine how a young child about to sit their Year 2 SATs must feel….

Read more about my thoughts on the impact of testing young children over at The New Statesman!

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I also wrote about all the weird and wonderful words for Vagina at Metro UK. YES. Discussing SATs and vaginas in the same week.  I LOVE my job.

 

How to put a baby in a cot (without losing your shit)

drowsybutawakeDoes your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot?  Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?

Then this is the method for you.

Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.

Continue reading

Baby sleep training for dummies

sleeptraining for dunmmiesWHEN it comes to getting babies to sleep, there is an abundance of advice available on the Internet, in books and from random strangers in the supermarket.

Whether you are looking to co-sleep with your baby, leave them to cry or have some fun with Ferberization,  –  there really a method for everyone.

To help you decide how best to train your offspring, here is a comprehensive guide to some of the most popular sleep techniques (that probably won’t work): Continue reading

A Sleep-Deprived Mother’s Guide To Dinnertime

dinner time‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.

I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears.  There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.

‘Please’  I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’

Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.

I pick up the knife. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #4

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading

The real true reasons why babies wake up at night

Cloud 2Babies wake up at night. This is a fact.  But as they can only communicate with cries, giggles or gurgles, the tricky bit is working out why.

As we stagger towards our screaming bundles of joy for the fuckteenth time, we desperately try to figure out what is wrong.

Are they teething, hungry, do they have wind or are they just messing with us?

Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #3

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

Happy Half Term Monday!

ME (last week): Roll on half term! It’ll be nice to spend some quality time with both the children.

ME (Today at 4pm):  Stop hitting your sister, who had it first? Get off the window sill, no you cannot have another biscuit, leave your sister alone, I don’t know who’s turn it is, No, No, No, In a minute, I only have TWO hands, socks do not go in the toilet, come and eat your dinner, DINNER TIME, where are your clothes, is that wee, stop climbing, stop fighting, STOP SHOUTING!!! WHERE IS THE WINE?!!

F*CK YOU HALF TERM. Continue reading

What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am. Continue reading