I was sat at my desk trying to write funny words for money when I heard the news…
‘Terrorist drives through crowds celebrating Bastille Day in Nice. Lorry speeds for 2km, killing 84 people – including 10 children. Witnesses say driver zigzagged to kill as many victims as possible…’
I listened to the rest of the story with tears in my eyes. Continue reading
Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
1) The Good news
Today is a big day. Tomorrow morning I will wake up to a new era. After months and months of thinking about it and stressing about it, I made my decision and went for it…. Continue reading
According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,
‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’
Thanks to the Internet we now have parenting tips available to us 24 hours a day!
While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.
One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.
I have this old friend.
She occasionally turns up at my door, totally out of the blue. I don’t see much of her any more but when she is here, it’s like she has never been away.
We met shortly after the birth of my eldest child. She came into my life and managed to get her feet firmly under the table. Continue reading
Postnatal depression is manipulative. It floods your mind with self-doubt and negative thoughts. It convinces you that you’re hopeless, a bad parent and a weak person. And the more you believe it, the stronger it gets.
Depression is determined. It wants to stay. It will trick you into believing you cannot do the things that will make you feel better such as talking, finding support, leaving the house, talking medication or going to therapy.
Depression is basically a dick. Continue reading
MY heart is beating fast and I feel sick. I force myself to eat some chocolate because someone said it might help. I take a deep breath and open the door…
The hall is silent except for the occasional cough and the shuffling of chairs. The stench of nervous sweat lingers in the air.
“Turn over your papers, you may begin.”
I look at the clock and I am filled with panic. I feel like I might pass out. I pick up my pen but my palms are so sweaty it is hard to grip it properly. I want to cry. I want to scream, and I really need the toilet.
This was how I felt before every GCSE exam I took. I was 16. This was also how I felt before taking my driving test, aged 22, and my journalism training (NCTJ) exams when I was 24.
Being tested makes us feel anxious. Even the most academic of adults find being in an exam situation stressful, so it’s not hard to imagine how a young child about to sit their Year 2 SATs must feel….
Read more about my thoughts on the impact of testing young children over at The New Statesman!
I also wrote about all the weird and wonderful words for Vagina at Metro UK.… YES. Discussing SATs and vaginas in the same week. I LOVE my job.
Does your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot? Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?
Then this is the method for you.
Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.
WHEN it comes to getting babies to sleep, there is an abundance of advice available on the Internet, in books and from random strangers in the supermarket.
Whether you are looking to co-sleep with your baby, leave them to cry or have some fun with Ferberization – there really a method for everyone.
To help you decide how best to train your offspring, here is a comprehensive guide to some of the most popular sleep techniques (that probably won’t work): Continue reading
‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.
I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears. There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.
‘Please’ I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’
Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.
I pick up the knife. Continue reading