Sleep Is For The Weak: The Book

Sleep Is For The Weak  is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night…

This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully.

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I am not going to lie.

This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.

In fact, it won’t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.

But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night without punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to  a travelling circus.

It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies. Continue reading

Real Life Parenthood

‘How are you finding motherhood?’ People would ask shortly after the arrival of my first baby.

‘So great,’ I lied, fighting back the tears. ‘Best thing ever.’

The truth is, I felt like crap.

But I had seen the smiling new mums on Facebook and Instagram holding tiny babies in their arms. I had read the glossy parenting magazines. I knew how I should be feeling. I should be glowing with happiness at the arrival of a beautiful, healthy child. So why wasn’t I?

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Breaking news for bored or broken people

Welcome to my brand new newsletter for anyone who is lying in the dark waiting for a small human to fall asleep, bored or just really likes reading newsletters.

A bit about this newsletter….

1) Why are you writing a newsletter instead of  sleeping or drinking a nice glass of wine?

To share news in the form of a letter with you. Mostly because no one in my house gives a shit about my news. They only care about snacks and going to the fucking park. Of course, there is a big chance that you don’t give a shit either. And you’ll get so bored reading this that you click on a Google Ad just to get away from me, in which case you just made me 0.000001p which was all part of my plan, SUCKER!

2) What will be IN this newsletter?

On a good day I’ll share the important stuff I have been writing like this investigative piece about  a mysterious condition my children develop as soon as I switch off their light and say goodnight – you can check it out here ↓

Kid perfectly fit and well all day has 6,000 ailments at bedtime

And also this piece about my current bag situation…link below ↓ Continue reading

Handy Comebacks For Co-Sleepers

WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?

First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.

Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.

Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with  ‘self soothing’  and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.

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An alternative guide to getting your kids to go the f**k to sleep in a heatwave

WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather.

Parents.  Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night.

As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.

But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.

Here is the only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it’s really bloody hot

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It’s all a load of bollocks

You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks. Continue reading

A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums 

Mum forums GuideYou’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet  ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this: Continue reading

Sleep-Deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired?

Tearfulness, anxiety, loss of or increased appetite, exhaustion, lack of motivation and irritability are all symptoms of sleep-deprivation.

They are also symptoms of depression.

This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.

The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP! Continue reading

Baby Trapped Edition 8: 9 things to entertain you during the long, long, long summer holidays

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Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The good news….

It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.

2) The bad news…

It is the summer holidays so no school  for six weeks…

I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet.  However,  it is only  Day five.

Here is one thing i have learnt his week

Never play Guess Who with a 4 year old because it will end in tears..

ME: Right, you go first!

4YO: Who are you?

ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.

4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?

ME: No.

4YO: Are you a banana?

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A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.” Continue reading