A BABY’S GUIDE TO BABIES (BECAUSE PARENTS ARE IDIOTS)
LESSON 3: How not to be an arsehole visitor
Did you know that moving house is considered one of life’s most stressful events?
So imagine not only moving house, but moving entire universes. Because that my friends, is how it feels when new babies relocate from Inside A Woman to Outside A Woman. It’s a BIG deal.
Seriously, it is crazy on the outside! Every single thing we see is new and strange. I once just stared at a cushion for three hours. THREE HOURS spent just trying to work out what the hell it’s game was.
Have you ever wondered why babies sometimes cry a lot for no apparent reason? It’s because we are living in a state of continuous mind-fuckery ( I believe the grown ups call this ‘colic’).
The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.
I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.
Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?
Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??
‘Where the hell is my womb?’ We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”Continue reading →
When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading →
Does your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot? Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?
Then this is the method for you.
Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.
Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
Happy Half Term Monday!
ME (last week): Roll on half term! It’ll be nice to spend some quality time with both the children.
ME (Today at 4pm): Stop hitting your sister, who had it first? Get off the window sill, no you cannot have another biscuit, leave your sister alone, I don’t know who’s turn it is, No, No, No, In a minute, I only have TWO hands, socks do not go in the toilet, come and eat your dinner, DINNER TIME, where are your clothes, is that wee, stop climbing, stop fighting, STOP SHOUTING!!! WHERE IS THE WINE?!!
Our latest Sleep Thief Survivor Steph Douglas is mother to toddlers Buster (4) and Mabel (2).
She was inspired to set up her unique business after she received countless bunches of flowers following the birth of her eldest child, Buster.
However, she found she lacked the energy (or vases) to care for anything other than her newborn! As a result, the 34-year-old launched Don’t Buy Her Flowers which offers thoughtful care packages for new mums. Continue reading →