What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am.

3) You would rather watch the blue ‘no signal’ screen than go and find the remote control.

4) You fall asleep whenever you try to read that book that promises to get your baby to sleep though the night.

5) Running out of coffee can reduce you to tears.

6) Running out of wine can reduce you to tears.

7) You have no idea what the fuck happened to all the matching socks.

8) You are so tired you sit down in the shower.

9) Laundry becomes the bane of your life.

10) You will get irrationally angry at anything that makes a noise when your baby is asleep. At one point you might kick a beeping dishwasher or throw a mobile phone.

11)  You feel like ‘tired’ has become your personality.

12) You sometimes fantasise about having an operation so you get to be PUT TO SLEEP and lie in bed for a few days.

13) You consider four hours to be a good night’s sleep.

14) You get into your pyjamas the minute you get home from being out.

15) Around 90% of your life is spent creeping about in the dark.

16) Your morning triple-reheated coffee is the most important meal of the day.

17) You rarely go a day without saying ‘for f**k’s sake.”

18) A trip the dentist is your idea of heaven. You get to lie down. 

Research by the Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies (1)19) You believe that putting a baby down ‘drowsy but awake’ is bollocks (so does your baby).

20) ‘Who the hell is ringing at this time?’ You moan at whatever time the phone rings. Chatting on the phone is way too much effort. 

21) You can never remember anybody’s name.


Romance post-babies

22) When you and your partner plan an ‘early night’ (wink wink) then you get into bed and realise that you actually want an early night. Sleep is the new sex.

23) When someone tells you their baby ‘sleeps through the night’ you want to punch them in the face.

24) When someone asks you whether your baby sleeps through the night you want to punch them in the face.

25) You struggle to make simple decisions and have been known to stare into the freezer for an hour trying to decide between fish fingers or chicken dippers.

26) You are so tired, not only do you sometimes  walk into a room and have no idea what you went in there for, but you occasionally forget what room you are about to walk into to forget what you went in there for.


27) At one point you will go to the shop for milk and come back without the milk.

28) You hate 4am and 4pm.

29) You have spent HOURS trying to get your baby to have a ten minute nap.

30) Some days you have cried more then the baby.

31) You often end up using the Sod It, Just Let The Baby Sleep In Our Bed‘ method.



32) You can’t remember what it feels like to go to bed and stay there for an ENTIRE night.

33) Some days you feel like a failure, but others you feel like a f*cking superhero for coping on so little sleep.

34) People look confused when you tell them that you have been awake since 7am YESTERDAY. 

35) As hard as the night-wakings are, you will secretly miss the twilight cuddles when your baby starts sleeping through the night.

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7 thoughts on “What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

  1. I have an 18 month old son who has decided that bedtime is at 3 am, and wake up time is at 7 am… He is absolutely sure about this and won’t change his mind! I don’t know how to deal with people who tell me that their kids sleep at 8 pm and wake up 8 am, which I am hearing more and more lately from my mom friends since it seems most other babies his age are starting to have somewhat normal sleeping habits…… so yes #23!!!

  2. Thank you than you thank you!! Your blog is the only thing keeping me sane by letting me know I’m not alone and making me laugh in the process. I write this with a 5 month old baby sleeping on top of me after I’ve successfully failed to transfer him to his side bed three times in the last hour and a half….. The last time I barely moved him and I had two big bright eyes staring at my from my chest just daring me to continue the attempt of transfer….I didn’t

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