How to quit mornings with kids

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading

This may be the last time to cherish every moment because they grow up so fast

cherishI have a confession to make.

When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading

A Sleep-Deprived Mother’s Guide To Dinnertime

dinner time‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.

I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears.  There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.

‘Please’  I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’

Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.

I pick up the knife. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #4

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #3

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

Happy Half Term Monday!

ME (last week): Roll on half term! It’ll be nice to spend some quality time with both the children.

ME (Today at 4pm):  Stop hitting your sister, who had it first? Get off the window sill, no you cannot have another biscuit, leave your sister alone, I don’t know who’s turn it is, No, No, No, In a minute, I only have TWO hands, socks do not go in the toilet, come and eat your dinner, DINNER TIME, where are your clothes, is that wee, stop climbing, stop fighting, STOP SHOUTING!!! WHERE IS THE WINE?!!

F*CK YOU HALF TERM. Continue reading

What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #1

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your kid won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

It has been a while since the last post because well, Christmas. No one warned me that the festive season gets TEN TIMES BUSIER once you have a child at school. Seriously.. Nativity, fayres, fetes, carol concerts, parties, trips, I HAD TO DECORATE A BLOODY JAR FOR GOD’S SAKE. Anyway, excuses over.  Here is some stuff for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.

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How To Get Things Done When You Are too Tired To Do Things

fcedcc6abd4aa83dbc2faaef6ff8e1eeIT is Christmas Eve.  All I want to do is to go to bed and sleep all day but I have two small children and Things To Do. I hate Things To Do.

‘I’ll get up, get dressed and get organised, I thought as i forced myself out of bed this morning. ‘I’ll write a list!  A THINGS TO DO LIST. And I shall do all the things.’

Continue reading

The Wonder (What The Hell You Are Doing) Weeks  

wonder weekslogoSince having a baby do you occasionally feel tearful and a bit sweary? Are you sometimes a bit of a dick for no apparent reason?

Then you are probably experiencing a Mental Leap in your parental development.

Thanks to new research by The Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies, we are now able to predict exactly when sleep-deprived parents can expect to go through these ‘fussy’ phases. Continue reading

How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night

The Institute of Actual Real life People With Babies (1)HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?

Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!

The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.

G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading