Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!
The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.
G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P a pioneering method featured in my new book Sleep is for the Weak– is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually.
Get yourself ready for bed: Babies can take anything up to take several hours to fall sleep, so you need to be comfortable and ready to slip straight into your own bed with your baby once you have given up trying to put her down in the cot. It is also a good idea to empty your bladder.
Organisation: This is key to a successful bedtime. Before you even begin your routine empty your bladder and ensure your smartphone is fully charged. Trying to get your baby to sleep is a good opportunity to enjoy some quality screen time. You may be trapped in a dark room with a baby but you have the world at your fingertips.
Transfer ready: Is your baby drowsy but awake? Then she is NOT Transfer Ready. Wait until she is in a deep sleep. Then wait another ten minutes, just to be sure. Recent studies have revealed that 98% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks.
Only you: If your baby refuses to sleep anywhere other then ON you, then rest assured this is completely normal. The solution is simple. You must drink lots of coffee until the phase passes.
Sleep crutch: It is very useful to make a rod for your own back by creating a sleep crutch for your child. If your baby will only sleep in bed with you; let her. (Although, this is not advisable if you smoke, drink alcohol or sleep on a bed of nails etc etc). If she will only settle after a feed; then feed her. If you need to rock or sing her into dreamland – do it. These popular sleep-crutches have been successfully getting babies to sleep for thousands of years.
Learn not to sleep: Trying to get a baby to sleep when you have been awake forTHREE long days is tough, but do not fear! Babies are highly adept at training their parents NOT to sleep through the night. Eventually your body will become accustomed to the sleepless nights and despite what Google may tell you at 4am – you will NOT die of sleep-deprivation. Studies show that 100% of sleep-deprived humans with babies actually go on to live a long and healthy life.
Eye contact: It is very important that you make eye contact with your baby when settling them at night. That adoring look they give you at 2am is often the only thing that will help you make it through the night.
Escape: The baby is finally asleep! Sleeping babies have the ability to sense when their parent is about to leave the room. To avoid waking the baby you must exit with extreme caution. Do not breathe, do not rush and whatever happens do NOT look back.
Pour yourself a glass of wine: Your work is done. Relax (for about 15 minutes until the baby wakes up again).
Repeat this method every night and you rest assured you WILL enjoy a good night’s sleep again….at one point.
*Before undertaking any sleep training it is important that parents are fully prepared by ensuring that coffee and wine are readily available at all times.
THE BOOK: AN ANTIDOTE TO SLEEP ADVICE
This and more sleep methods in my BOOK that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!
Have you tried the G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P method? Did it work for you? Feel free to comment below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..