How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night

The Institute of Actual Real life People With Babies (1)HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?

Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!

The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.

G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually.

Get yourself ready for bed:  Babies can take anything up to take several hours to fall sleep, so you need to be comfortable and ready to slip straight into your own bed with your baby once you have given up trying to put her down in the cot.  It is also a good idea to empty your bladder

Organisation: This is key to a successful bedtime. Before you even begin your routine empty your bladder and ensure your smartphone is fully charged. Trying to get your baby to sleep is a good opportunity to enjoy some quality screen time. You may be trapped in a dark room with a baby but you have the world at your fingertips.

Transfer ready: Is your baby drowsy but awake? Then she is NOT Transfer Ready. Wait until she is in a deep sleep. Then wait another ten minutes, just to be sure. Recent studies have revealed that 98% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks.

Only you: If your baby refuses to sleep anywhere other then ON you, then rest assured this is completely normal. The solution is simple. You must drink lots of coffee until the phase passes.

Research by the Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies (1)

Sleep crutch: It is very useful to make a rod for your own back by creating a sleep crutch for your child. If your baby will only sleep in bed with you; let her. (Although, this is not advisable if you smoke, drink alcohol or sleep on a bed of nails etc etc). If she will only settle after a feed; then feed her. If you need to rock or sing her into dreamland – do it. These popular sleep-crutches have been successfully getting babies to sleep for thousands of years.

Learn not to sleep: Trying to get a baby to sleep when you have been awake forTHREE long days is tough, but do not fear! Babies are highly adept at training their parents NOT to sleep through the night. Eventually your body will become accustomed to the sleepless nights and despite what Google may tell you at 4am – you will NOT die of sleep-deprivation. Studies show that 100% of sleep-deprived humans with babies actually go on to live a long and healthy life.

vs

Eye contact: It is very important that you make eye contact with your baby when settling them at night. That adoring look they give you at 2am is often the only thing that will help you make it through the night.

Escape: The baby is finally asleep! Sleeping babies have the ability to sense when their parent is about to leave the room. To avoid waking the baby you must exit with extreme caution. Do not breathe, do not rush and whatever happens do NOT look back.

Pour yourself a glass of wine: Your work is done. Relax (for about 15 minutes until the baby wakes up again).

Repeat this method every night and you rest assured you WILL enjoy a good night’s sleep again….at one point.

*Before undertaking any sleep training it is important that parents are fully prepared by ensuring that  coffee and wine are readily available at all times.

Have you tried the G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P method? Did it work for you? Feel free to comment below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..

More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

54 thoughts on “How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night

  1. Woohoo!! This is my life!! My LO used to sleep 3hrs in one go, then it went to two & now it’s 1hr 30mins. We use the sleep crutch & that is the way it’s going to be!! Poor hubby hasn’t been back to the marital bed in ages, not much room with a star shaped 6 month old, who trashes about & whimpers louder & louder untill he gets a latch. His little gorgeous face with two big dimples & bight eyes that greets me every morning just blows the clouds of exhaustion away. Don’t clock watch is another great tip & that is definitely me holding the phone in my free hand hoping it doesn’t drop on the baby!! You gotta make it work for you too & this works perfectly!! Lovely to read a piece that thinks how I think. Chocolate biscuits are my wine.

  2. This is brilliant! I was a smug git because my first slept through so I thought I knew what I was doing with the second. Ha! She didn’t sleep through until she was 26 months old and then not consistently. She wanted to feed through the night, wouldn’t take a dummy, wanted no-one but me “Daddy NO Daddy!” and clung limpet style to me All. The. Time. She only gave up the night feed at 20 months. There were days I felt like such a zombie and didn’t know how I could carry on. I was SO TIRED. Turns out my first has Aspergers, so sleeping like a log for 10 hours is not the norm for little ones. He hardly sleeps at all now but that’s another story. My girl is happy and confident and now loves her own bed. Do what your baby needs girls, you’re doing a great job. I’m proof you will survive!!! ????

  3. I have never laughed so hard in my life…my husband came running in to check I was okay!! Thank you for reassuring me and making me feel like I might not be doing the worst ever job in the world.

  4. Thank you for making me smile on a ‘hitting the wall’ (as I call those days where you just don’t know how you can cope with the lack of sleep anymore) day. My 7 month old has woken up every 2-3 hours on average his entire life. At present he’s pretty much awake all night, no idea why. I’ve tried every piece of advice going and nothing works. The cherry on the cake is when I asked a Dr his advice and he told me that it was my own fault and my baby will just get fatter (he’s an adorable, cuddly chap with screw on hands who came out big) if I continue to feed him at night…nothing like a supportive GP to make your day!!

    • Your GP is an idiot! You can’t overfeed a baby breast milk. You’re doing a great job. He’s still so young. It’s tough but keep smiling and it’s all just temporary. .

    • Hey
      I don’t know if it helps but mine fed every 2 hours day and night until he was 10 months, he was a chunker and now is almost petite at 21 months, and still wakes in the night . Don’t stress and ignore your GP! Xxx

    • Your GP is talking bollocks. My baby was exactly like yours, and he was always marginally UNDERWEIGHT! However, probably get your bub’s ears checked for fluids occadionally. Mine always wanted to stay up and play about 5-7 days before an ear infection became obvious. He got gromets and adenoid removed, and sleeps better. Still wakes about 2 though, but if not, it’s me who gets scared????He’s 2 now.

  5. Oh my goodness I needed to read this! I have been feeling such a failure lately for not being able to get my almost 8 month old to sleep through. Good night’s are when he sleeps until 4/5 am has a bottle then goes back to sleep until 7ish. However mother, mil and sil love to tell me this is terribly bad behaviour and I should just not feed him during the night…yep I do that then we’re up for 2/3 hours rocking, pacing,singing, crying everything but sleeping! Throw in teething and I’m single handedly keeping nescafe in business. Why is it so wrong or such a failure on my part that my child might need a snack to help him through the night?!

    • It’s not a failure. You are giving your baby what he needs. That is a good thing. Your sil and mil are idiots. Trust your instincts and stick with this technique! He’ll sleep eventually. Fact!!

      • My baby is 13 months and still has up to two bottles throughout the night. Everyone seems to think I’m mad but I’ve tried water and she desperately want the milk. She drinks then goes straight down. She naps in the day.. Goes down awake and gets herself to sleep now (believe me she didn’t always) so a quick bottle in the night isn’t Yeh end of the world! X

  6. Love it and so true! I am slowly becoming a Candy Crush expert as I wait for ‘little legs’ to fall asleep on me before we both sleep in my bed! Thank you!

  7. Spot on stuff! This is my life! I’m averaging 5 hours of (broken) sleep after 3 years….I just do whatever it takes…and I still love her to bits. Thanks sooo much for giving me a laugh.

  8. I’m at the point where it’s me that needs the youngest to help me to get to sleep. Co sleeping for 5 yrs has ruined me.

  9. I LOVE this!! This could literally be written about me….PJs and phone essential for those long evenings waiting for baby to be sound enough asleep for successful cot transfer and nursery escape. ‘Drowsy but awake’ must not be spoken of in our house! Brilliant….I finally feel like I’m not alone! xx

  10. You’re amazing Emily! I highly recommend your G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P method to any truly sleep deprived mothers out there who aren’t just knackered but are actually wondering how they are going to survive!!! I found I was already following this approach and you have captured it in such a gloriously lighthearted, funny and positive way!!

    I was so stressed out, trawling through online advice and baby sleep training books trying to work out what I was doing wrong or what was wrong with my (now 6 month) baby, after trying everything the only thing that worked was just doing what the books told me I shouldn’t do (co-sleep, feed baby to sleep, rock baby etc)….basically G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P works like a dream!

    Make rods for your backs and make them fast!! I was so much happier, got lots more sleep and relaxed into motherhood. Articles such as yours Emily are fantastic as they provide so much support and encouragement when you feel like a failure, and really you should be awarded a prize for figuring out how to survive!!

  11. Absolutely brilliant!!
    So true to feel like a failure and be given so many helpful ‘tips’ from mums whose babies do sleep through the night. After 6 months of feeling like I’ve done it all wrong I’m now laughing – especially with articles like this. Keep them coming ????

  12. I love this advice, especially the smart phone. But it could equally be a good book with a small light . On looking after my grandchildren one long weekend while the parents were away getting over ‘nervous breakdowns’ brought on by the 3 offsprigs. I simply threw
    the electricy main switch (a bit tricky if one has a freezer… I don’t!). I also moved the clock forward as the older one could tell the time. We had tea/supper cooked by candle light (on gas)… and minus all distractions, we did much talking in the kitchen. It was winter so I had them in bed asleep by 6.30 …. I put them all into one big bed with me too and I made up stories in the dark. Their usual bedtime was nearer 10pm after much stress and tears all round. PS why can’t we just copy what animals do. They don’t ‘PUT” their kids/pups to bed in a room, somewhere separate… it’s no wonder that small children hate this, it is not natural.

  13. We have been using this technique for 18months now, it works brilliantly. I can reccomend it to all parents especially the ‘p’ part of the program. I feel we will have a breakthrough at some point in the next 1-3 years ????

  14. 🙂 Mine are now 10 and nearly 8 and I can confirm you will survive and they will sleep through the night eventually- it seems years ago now that mine woke me up. I now survive on about 5-6 hours sleep regularly though – they certainly trained me!

    • Ha ha and I bet it seems like a very short time they kept you awake. My eldest sleeps now and although those first few years seemed to go on forever at the time…looking back it was the blink of an eye!!

  15. OMG! Have a 5 and a 2 yrs old amd with both i have done exactly that! Made me gig to see someone wrote a piece of my life too!X

    • Yes! If our culture, mom friends, mother in law, Laughed with us and supported this phase as normal, moms wouldn’t fret so much about it- or feel forced to try things like crying it out. This article may just be satirical but it’s a change maker too. I just sent it to a friend asking for advice on how to sleep train her newborn.

      • I am flattered you sent it to your friend! You are so right. I wish I had been told it was pretty NORMAL for a baby to wake up a lot when I was a new mum – instead of feeling like a failure because my baby didn’t sleep!

  16. I am 70. I had twins at 31, then another girl at 34. One of my twins didn’t sleep thru the night until she was in 2nd grade. And I survived to tell my daughters that they will also survive with lack of sleep. And I love them all. Nite Nite…

    • I was a bad sleeper as a baby and during my toughest most sleep deprived days asca new mother my mum would always say ‘you won’t die from lack of sleep! I didn’t! ‘

Feel free to leave a reply..misery loves company.