Parenting For Idiots: A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.” Continue reading

Parenting For Idiots: How Babies Actually Work

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading

THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)

As it is World Poetry Day – I wrote a little poem (totally procrastinating from work)…

For anyone who has ever battled with feeling you should cherish the moment while simultaneously wishing it was over…

THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)

This may be the last time you sleep on my chest,
I should cherish it now and start feeling blessed.
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I’m trapped under you
Exhausted and lonely and needing the loo.

This may be the last time you feed from my breast,
I should try to enjoy it and stop feeling stressed
BUT THEN AGAIN… Continue reading

How to quit mornings with kids

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading

This may be the last time to cherish every moment because they grow up so fast

cherishI have a confession to make.

When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading

A Sleep-Deprived Mother’s Guide To Dinnertime

dinner time‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.

I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears.  There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.

‘Please’  I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’

Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.

I pick up the knife. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #4

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading

The real true reasons why babies wake up at night

Cloud 2Babies wake up at night. This is a fact.  But as they can only communicate with cries, giggles or gurgles, the tricky bit is working out why.

As we stagger towards our screaming bundles of joy for the fuckteenth time, we desperately try to figure out what is wrong.

Are they teething, hungry, do they have wind or are they just messing with us?

Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #3

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

Happy Half Term Monday!

ME (last week): Roll on half term! It’ll be nice to spend some quality time with both the children.

ME (Today at 4pm):  Stop hitting your sister, who had it first? Get off the window sill, no you cannot have another biscuit, leave your sister alone, I don’t know who’s turn it is, No, No, No, In a minute, I only have TWO hands, socks do not go in the toilet, come and eat your dinner, DINNER TIME, where are your clothes, is that wee, stop climbing, stop fighting, STOP SHOUTING!!! WHERE IS THE WINE?!!

F*CK YOU HALF TERM. Continue reading

What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am. Continue reading