Trying to look all professional and authory
Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!
So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!
So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.
Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear: Continue reading
TIRED MUM: Dear Google, can you die from sleep deprivation?
GOOGLE: In the 1980s, a researcher named Allan Rechtschaffen conducted a series of ground-breaking experiments on rats who died. After 32 days of total sleep deprivation, all the rats were dead.’
TIRED MUM: But what about humans? Google, what are the effects of sleep-deprivation on humans?
GOOGLE: Regular poor sleep puts you at risk of various conditions, including depression, heart disease and diabetes – and it shortens your life expectancy.
TIRED MUM: Oh god!
GOOGLE: Oh and it might make you obese.
TIRED MUM: Anything else?
GOOGLE: Hallucinations, possible brain damage…
TIRED MUM: OK, ok stop. I don’t want to hear anymore. So what can I do? I can stop this, right? Google, how can I prevent the effects of sleep deprivation?
GOOGLE: Get some sleep.
TIRED MUM: But I have a baby!
I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.
When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading
“We need to talk.” I said. “There is no easy way to say this but I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I have changed and I don’t need you any more.”
“You can’t do this,” You replied. “You need me. You’ll always need me.”
“Not any more.” I explained. “I met you at difficult time and you made my life better. You gave me back my confidence and helped me find my way back to the person I was before things got tough. You brought me happiness and calm and I will always be grateful. But I no longer need you.”
“You’ll be back,” You muttered and I turned and walked away. Continue reading
TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.
Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer. As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:
The Internet is awash with ‘research’ that shows sleep training is bad for our babies. However, there is also an abundance of ‘research; suggesting that NOT sleep training is bad for our babies. (The research is usually taken from studies of 4 babies, 2 kangaroo cubs and a tadpole so it is almost always definitely accurate). So when it comes to baby sleep, what
bullshit advice are we supposed to follow? Continue reading
Remember before you had children when you and your partner used to have ‘biscuits’? Really good biscuits that you could eat whenever and wherever you liked – in bed, on the sofa or even in the bath.
You would try all sorts of biscuits together; sometimes you would enjoy the comfort of a digestive, other times you would eat a whole packet of Hob Nobs just because you COULD.
Then you have babies and you struggle to find the time or energy to have any biscuits at all. You start to worry;
“What if we go off biscuits forever?’
“Are all the other parents having biscuits?”
“Will my partner eat biscuits with someone else? Someone with more energy and a whole tin full of home-baked cookies?”
“What if we NEVER EVER get to eat biscuits together again?” Continue reading
I have a confession to make.
When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading
Thanks to the Internet we now have parenting tips available to us 24 hours a day!
While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.
One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.
Does your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot? Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?
Then this is the method for you.
Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.