Baby-Trapped: Edition #3

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

Happy Half Term Monday!

ME (last week): Roll on half term! It’ll be nice to spend some quality time with both the children.

ME (Today at 4pm):  Stop hitting your sister, who had it first? Get off the window sill, no you cannot have another biscuit, leave your sister alone, I don’t know who’s turn it is, No, No, No, In a minute, I only have TWO hands, socks do not go in the toilet, come and eat your dinner, DINNER TIME, where are your clothes, is that wee, stop climbing, stop fighting, STOP SHOUTING!!! WHERE IS THE WINE?!!

F*CK YOU HALF TERM.

So, anyway. Enough about me. It could be worse, I could still be trying to get a baby to sleep or have no wine.   If that is your current situation then fear not. Here is some stuff to read for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.

The good news…

Does your baby sleep through the night? Does he wake up every 30 minutes, every hour or two hours? Does he refuse to go to sleep at all? Then the good news is that your baby is normal. 

Part of the epidemic of parental angst about children’s sleep is that we are repeatedly told we need to worry about our children’s sleep and that there will be dire consequences if our infant  doesn’t get enough sleep. Our babies will become obese or a sociopath or both! YOU will probably die of sleep-deprivation and your marriage is doomed to FAIL. This is of course, complete bollocks.

But don’t take my word for it. Read this series of articles by Darcia Narvaez Ph.D.  An actual EXPERT on baby sleep among other things. It helped me accept my baby was normal during my darkest times and made me feel so much better.

The bad news… 

That this is unfortunately this is a story we NEED to tell our daughters.  A Story of a Fuck Off Fund is an amazing piece of writing with an important message.

This book..

51y2K6KapSL._SX326_BO1,204,203,200_Yep. I read another book!

What would you do if you found out your loving partner of ten years and devoted father to your children committed a serious crime when he was a teenager? Would you a) Turn him in,  meaning your kids will lose their dad and have to deal with such a big revelation at a young age. Or, b) Keep the secret and live with the guilt?

The Husband’s Secret actually kept me awake trying to decide what I would do…  What would you do?

 

This pointless kid’s sleep calculator…

Are you wondering what time your child should go to bed? If your answer is not ‘AS EARLY AS YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH’,  you might want to try this..

This snack.. 

3-460x460Before I had children I could not understand those people who said they had ‘forgotten to eat’. How could you ‘forget’ to do something that was the BEST part of the day?  Then I had a baby and passed out in Sainsbury’s. Because I had ‘FORGOTTEN TO EAT’.  I was not only sleep-deprived, but I was so busy feeding my baby that I neglected to feed myself. So I reckon these bad boys from Freida’s Pantry would have been a life saver!  These new bars are ideal for parents who may be low on sleep and energy. The Super Charged Food Bar, contains oats, quinoa, almonds, pistachios, flax seed, sunflower seeds, chia seeds, goji berries and fennel, known to regulate female hormones postpartum! The only problem is they are so nice the toddler keeps stealing them!

This magic potion..

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So this is how they got babies to sleep in the olden days!  Stickney and Poor’s Paregoric was a mixture of opium and 46% alcohol. Doses for infants are given on the bottle, including babies at just FIVE days old. Back then opium was often described as the ‘Poor Child’s Nurse’, due to its ability to stop hungry babies from crying. WTF?  Unfortunately, as it is largely frowned upon to starve babies by giving them alcohol or opium these days, it is no longer available –  but you can read about it here!

These annoying things…

Since becoming a mum, my days have been filled with love, laughter, cuddles, and joy. Motherhood is wonderful. Mostly.  While my children are undoubtedly the BEST aspect of being a mother, there are a few things that are not so wonderful. Read about the things I hate here...

News from Sleep Thief HQ

12593748_10156538421880002_7318580463988381423_oWe now have a Sleep Thief ‘Victim’ Support group on Facebook where tired parents can moan, laugh and share stories!

Click here to become an exclusive member! 

Feel free to join me and a community of hilarious and tired parents on Facebook or Twitter! To receive more of Baby-trapped (because Facebook doesn’t always get it to you) please subscribe below!

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