The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.
I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.
Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?
Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??
‘Where the hell is my womb?’ We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”Continue reading →
As it is World Poetry Day – I wrote a little poem (totally procrastinating from work)…
For anyone who has ever battled with feeling you should cherish the moment while simultaneously wishing it was over…
THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)
This may be the last time you sleep on my chest,
I should cherish it now and start feeling blessed.
BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I’m trapped under you
Exhausted and lonely and needing the loo.
This may be the last time you feed from my breast,
I should try to enjoy it and stop feeling stressed
BUT THEN AGAIN… Continue reading →
The Internet is awash with ‘research’ that shows sleep training is bad for our babies. However, there is also an abundance of ‘research; suggesting that NOT sleep training is bad for our babies. (The research is usually taken from studies of 4 babies, 2 kangaroo cubs and a tadpole so it is almost always definitely accurate). So when it comes to baby sleep, what bullshit advice are we supposed to follow? Continue reading →
When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading →
According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,
‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’