According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,
‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’
The ‘recommended hours’ being that in a 24 hour day, four to 12 month-year-olds should sleep 12 -16 hours, one to four-year-olds should go down for 11 – 14 hours and three to five-year-olds should be packing away a whopping 10 – 13 hours of slumber! While some babies may well sleep for this length of time – MANY just don’t, won’t and never will.
I struggle to see the point of these guidelines. After all, we do not deliberately prevent our little ones from sleeping. We don’t wake them up at 4am or spend THREE hours doing bedtime at night for fun! We are not idiots. Most parents would love their offspring to sleep for 16 hours a night. But the fact is, if they don’t – (aside from drugging them) there is nothing we can do about it.
So surely, the only purpose these recommendations serve is to make parents of babies who do not sleep much feel like failures. Not only this, but by including the Obligatory List Of All The Bad Things That Could Happen to Children If They Don’t Sleep Shit Loads, they are burdening families with a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.
All human babies are different. Just like adults, some need more sleep than others. I would have thought that the academics at the guideline writing academies would be aware of this fact.
The only way these guidelines would be useful is if they provided a recipe for a magic potion that enables all babies sleep for the ‘correct’ number of hours every night.
In light of these ridiculous guidelines that are all over the media, Internet and baby books, The Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies has provided a more accurate guide for the academics and experts to include in their future studies:
*I would like to reassure anyone who is currently freaking out over these guidelines that BOTH of my children are happy and healthy despite never having slept anything even close to the ‘recommended’ amount of time.
HOW MUCH YOUR BABY SHOULD REALLY SLEEP
0 – 1 MONTH
NAPS: Enough to make you feel a little bit smug.
NIGHT: 0 – 12 hours (as long as you don’t put them down)
1 – 3 MONTHS
NAPS: 1- 3. But only in a moving car or on you.
NIGHT: Not much due to ALL THE DAMN FEEDING.
3 – 6 MONTHS
NAPS: Occasionally, but only on you. (NOT SO SMUG NOW)
NIGHT: For as long as it takes for you to get into bed & close your eyes.
6 – 12 MONTHS
NIGHT: Not very much. All the people who told you they would sleep when they are on solids are LIARS.
1 – 2 YEARS
NAPS: Whatever. Are they even a thing?
NIGHT: Who f**king cares?
If you are currently baby-trapped under an obese, sociopathic, clumsy, idiot child firstly, NEVER CLICK ON ANY INTERNET PARENTING ARTICLE THAT HAS ‘RECOMMENDED GUIDELINES’ IN THE HEADING (it will end in tears) so feel free to read these things instead…
My former sleepless baby (Sleep Thief #2)is now 4 and at school. She can read and everything so in your face American Academy of Sleep Medicine. This is how it is going. 14 THINGS THEY DO NOT WARN YOU ABOUT WHEN YOUR CHILD STARTS SCHOOL
I also wrote some funny CONVERSATIONS YOU CAN ONLY HAVE WITH THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD!!
Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!