It’s all a load of bollocks

You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks. Continue reading

A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums 

You’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet  ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this:

 

 

EMILYJANE

I am so tired. My baby is six months old and still wakes up all night every night. Does anyone know how to get a baby to sleep?

MummaFucker:

I feel your pain. @EMILYJANE I haven’t slept for a bloody week!!

TiredMummy:

A week! I haven’t slept since 1984.

SuperMummy:

You lot don’t know the meaning of the word tired! I’m a single mum with one leg, I work three jobs,  I have 68 kids under 3 AND I am gluten intolerant. You ladies need to Mum up! 

SmugMum:

I hate to tell you this but my baby has slept through from six days old. Sorry not sorry 😉

MummaFucker:

I hate to tell you this @SmugMum but fuck off.

FordMum:

Are you still breastfeeding? If so, your baby is probably waking up for breast. Try weaning her.

MummaNuture:

Try breastfeeding. Breast is best!   Feed her two at a time if you can. Continue reading

How NOT to be a dick on the Internet (when you are a parent)

dontbeadickThe Internet is great for parents. Not only can you find information on ALL THE STUFF, there are an abundance of chat forums, Facebook groups and websites where you might just find your ‘virtual village’.

However, there are a few people who just have to ruin it for everyone…

The Dicks.

Continue reading

This is why I should not watch the news

20160702_133131I was sat at my desk trying to write funny words for money when I heard the news…

‘Terrorist drives through crowds celebrating Bastille Day in Nice. Lorry speeds for 2km, killing 84 people – including 10 children. Witnesses say driver zigzagged to kill as many victims as possible…’

I listened to the rest of the story with tears in my eyes. Continue reading

How much sleep does a baby really need? Real Life People With Actual Babies reveal the answer

baby sleep

According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,

‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’

Continue reading

How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep

tips

After reading  advice for sleep-deprived parents on the entire internet, (including Ten Ways To Tell You Are Sleep Deprived – duh, I am not getting any sleep?!)  it seems that all I need to do to feel better is to eat nuts, do yoga and sleep when the baby sleeps.

Well, I have no time (or energy) for yoga, my baby doesn’t sleep and the only nuts I consume are in a Snickers bar –  so I came up with my own list… Continue reading

How To Survive (And Not Get Killed By Your Partner) When You Have Babies…by James the Husband

1507669_203253536534178_1559469523_n

STEP 1 –BE PREPARED.

You think you know about babies, then you have a baby, and realise you know nothing about babies…This can be very stressful for new parents as you are usually both learning on the fly on very little sleep.  So here are just a few of the things I have learnt that people do NOT tell you about babies. Continue reading