How Babies Actually Work

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading

Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

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SLEEP-TRAINING FOR GROWN UPS

The Internet is awash with ‘research’ that shows sleep training is bad for our babies. However, there is also an abundance of ‘research; suggesting that NOT sleep training is bad for our babies. (The research is usually taken from studies of 4 babies, 2 kangaroo cubs and a tadpole so it is almost always definitely accurate). So when it comes to baby sleep, what bullshit advice are we supposed to follow? Continue reading

How much sleep does a baby really need? Real Life People With Actual Babies reveal the answer

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According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,

‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’

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8 sleep training methods that probably won’t work (and one that definitely will).

sleeptraining for dunmmiesWHEN it comes to getting babies to sleep, there is an abundance of advice available on the Internet, in books and from random strangers in the supermarket.

Whether you are looking to co-sleep with your baby, leave them to cry or have some fun with Ferberization  –  there really a method for everyone.

To help you decide how best to train your offspring, here is a comprehensive guide to some of the most popular sleep techniques (that probably won’t work): Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #4

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading

How to ‘sell’ breastfeeding without being a tit

IMG_20131005_143714 (1)Breast milk is really good stuff. We know this.

We have seen the campaigns, read the research and studied the NHS literature we have shoved down our throats from the moment we fall pregnant.

When I was expecting my first child, I was told that breastfeeding is ‘a convenient way to provide you and your baby with a multitude of health benefits.’

To be honest, they had me at ‘convenient’.. Continue reading

The Wonder (What The Hell You Are Doing) Weeks  

wonder weekslogoSince having a baby do you occasionally feel tearful and a bit sweary? Are you sometimes a bit of a dick for no apparent reason?

Then you are probably experiencing a Mental Leap in your parental development.

Thanks to new research by The Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies, we are now able to predict exactly when sleep-deprived parents can expect to go through these ‘fussy’ phases. Continue reading

How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night

HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?

Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!

The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.

G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P a pioneering method featured in my new book Sleep is for the Weak– is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading