26 lies tired parents tell

baby won't sleepI have a confession to make.

Since having babies I have become a big fat liar.

I am not proud of myself, but sometimes lying (and coffee, so much coffee) is the only way to survive  The truth would simply hurt too much (or make you look like a miserable twat) so telling the odd fib is a necessary evil.

If you are a tired parent, then here are a few untruths that you might recognise (or maybe I am  just a miserable twat):

Lies you tell friends, colleagues and the general public

 1: So sorry I can’t make it – the baby is sick.

I am too tired to face people today.

2: How embarrassing! I had no idea I had vomit on my shoulder!

I got these clothes out of the dirty laundry and hoped no one would notice the vomit.

3: Excuse the mess. I haven’t had time to clean today.

I have spent hours cleaning but my house still looks like crap.


4: I am so sorry I lost the invitation to your kid’s party.

I forgot to RSVP because I am tired and disorganised.

5: I haven’t had a shower for two days!

I haven’t had a shower for two weeks.

6: Sorry, I didn’t answer the phone I was feeding the baby.

I couldn’t be bothered with a conversation.

potato waffles


7: We don’t normally eat potato waffles but I can’t face cooking.

I hate cooking. We eat potato waffles all the time.

8: Oh sorry, my kids are always taking off their clothes!

I couldn’t be arsed to get the kids dressed today.

9: My baby is teething

My baby is being a pain in the arse.


10: I don’t usually give my child this amount of biscuits!

When there are no witnesses; I give her much more biscuits.

11: I only let my kids watch TV for an hour a day or when they are sick.

I let my kids watch TV when I need to cook dinner, take a shower, make coffee, tidy up or piss around on Facebook.

12: I look terrible I didn’t have time to do my hair and make up.

I have done my hair and make up but I still look like shit.

Lies you tell the kids

 13: There is no cereal left, so it’s toast today kids.

There are no clean bowls and I am not washing up.

14: It is bedtime now!

It is 6pm.

15: There are no biscuits.

There is one more biscuits but I want to eat it.

16: Elsa and Anna are dead. 

If I have to watch Frozen one more time I will scream.

17: That toy is broken.

That toy is annoying. I took the batteries out.

18: The soft play centre is closed.

I am NOT going to the soft play centre.

19: It is NOT morning yet.

It is 7.30am.

Lies you tell your partner


20: It is your turn to change the baby. I did it while you were in the bathroom.

I don’t want to change the baby because it smells really bad.

21: I am popping to the shop for milk.

I am popping to the shop so I can sit in the car park and play on my phone.

22: I am going to the toilet.

I am going to the bathroom to look on Facebook in peace.

23: I didn’t hear the baby.

I pretended to be asleep until you got up for the baby

24: I have been up ALL night.

I had about two hours of broken sleep.

25: She always sleeps better when you put her down. I don’t know how you do it!

She sleeps badly whoever puts her down but I really want to sit here and drink wine.

mother-and-daughter-871294330140HDOAnd the one that every mother will tell someone at one point…

26: I AM FINE!

I am not fine. The kids have been horrible today. I am tired. I have had not time to eat. My coffee is cold. I need everyone to leave me the hell alone for five minutes before I lose my shit.

DOES all this make me a bad person? I hope not. But when you are tired and stressed in charge of young children, it is a matter of survival! Please tell me it is not just me?

If you want to read more of my stuff..

So I write funny and important stuff  about internet dicks and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site Daily Mash and for TV’s Mash Report which included this viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..


Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

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21 thoughts on “26 lies tired parents tell

  1. You’ve been reading my brain. Except when you say it all the things sound funny. When I make it out the other side of the sleep deprivation phase I’ll remember this and tell all the people I’ve offended along the way that we were just having a laugh.

  2. Absolutely all of them! I Have a daughter who hasn’t slept through the night yet and manages 2-3 hours each time I lay her down. I’m a single working parent and exhausted!!! Oh yeah….shes 3! Any tips?

  3. I hear you sister! Add working full-time and being on call 24/7 as a vet to the above and you have a recipe for total chaos!!! Lies lies, beautiful (and very necessary) lies! On the other hand, I don’t think I would want it any other way!

Feel free to leave a reply..misery loves company.

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