THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole. Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.
Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday. She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door. Continue reading
We just got back home after a family ‘holiday’ in Devon. It will come as no surprise to you all that bedtime away from home is even more of a challenge than bedtime at home. But the husband and I have been burnt before. We learnt the hard way that there is no point worrying about sleep on holiday so we were prepared to bugger up our bedtime routine in order to make our week less stressful.
I kept a little diary of our progress…. Continue reading
I have a confession to make.
When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading
‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.
I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears. There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.
‘Please’ I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’
Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.
I pick up the knife. Continue reading
Breast milk is really good stuff. We know this.
We have seen the campaigns, read the research and studied the NHS literature we have shoved down our throats from the moment we fall pregnant.
When I was expecting my first child, I was told that breastfeeding is ‘a convenient way to provide you and your baby with a multitude of health benefits.’
To be honest, they had me at ‘convenient’.. Continue reading
I have a confession to make.
Since having babies I have become a big fat liar.
I am not proud of myself, but sometimes lying (and coffee, so much coffee) is the only way to survive The truth would simply hurt too much (or make you look like a miserable twat) so telling the odd fib is a necessary evil.
If you are a tired parent, then here are a few untruths that you might recognise (or maybe I am just a miserable twat): Continue reading
Since becoming a mother I have made my fair share of silly mistakes.
But never before had the stakes been so high…
I grabbed my two-year-old daughter and headed for the exit of the busy supermarket.
She screamed in objection to the sudden urgency, but I needed to get out of there. Time was running out. Continue reading
My firstborn started school in September.
I am now a proper grown-up parent with a schoolchild. I have to get everyone up, dressed and somewhere on time, in clean uncreased clothes, every morning. There will soon be homework, phonics, forms and parent evenings.
I have to kiss my four-year-old daughter goodbye FIVE days a week, and send her off to face new challenges and situations, without me. Continue reading
This morning I was the victim of an assault.
In a totally unprovoked attack my two-year-old whacked me in the face with her sippy cup.
And then she laughed.
So I called her an arsehole and necked a bottle of gin.
I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DO THAT. Continue reading
A glossary of parenting terms you won’t find in the baby books…
Arm Roll & Release: The nerve-wracking manoeuvre used by parents in order to remove their arm from under a sleeping baby.
Booby-trapped: Term used to describe being stuck breastfeeding when you have a pressing engagement (or really need a wee). Continue reading