Baby-Trapped: Edition #1

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your kid won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

It has been a while since the last post because well, Christmas. No one warned me that the festive season gets TEN TIMES BUSIER once you have a child at school. Seriously.. Nativity, fayres, fetes, carol concerts, parties, trips, I HAD TO DECORATE A BLOODY JAR FOR GOD’S SAKE. Anyway, excuses over.  Here is some stuff for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.

1. The good news! Baby brain is a myth. 

A new study has found that ‘baby brain’ is a big fat myth. What’s more, scientists are now saying that after having a baby women actually get better at stuff!! Although the brain shrinks by up to seven per cent during pregnancy, new research shows that it later expands and new mums develop the ability to manage stress, multi-task, have improved strategic thinking, judgment and become more emotionally resilient.  This is exciting news. I never bought into the concept of a baby brain. I have always put my postnatal incompetence, forgetfulness and general inability to find a PAIR of sodding socks down to good old sleep-deprivation and the fact that well, I HAVE TINY HUMANS TO LOOK AFTER AND IT IS BLOODY HARD WORK.

Anyway, I am sure my brain is due to expand…any day now. Right? READ this about all the ways mums make BRILLIANT employees due to science (and being awesome)  here.

2. The bad news.

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Some one has invented this speaker that you shove up your vagina.

What the f**k is wrong with the world?

3. This app…for those long night feeds

IF you have a baby who wakes up a lot then you may find you self frequently enjoying a read and feed, a Brext or Googling ‘Will I die of sleep deprivation – please tell me I will because I heard you flipping SLEEP when you are dead?’ But there is one thing that I always find is a potential threat to the peace. The phone light.  If the baby decides to stir a little and lazily blinks open his little eyes, he is dragged into the world of wide-a-bloody-wake by the glare of your damn phone…well, worry no more. British Mum of two Catriona Lysaghthas invented this ingenious APP.

3. This tweet.

4. 41GcTdP-HAL._SX311_BO1,204,203,200_This book

Is available on the phone book tablet reading thingy (I am so down with the kids) so it is ideal for the night shift. It is a funny and honest take on motherhood by the hilariously awesome TV producer turned author and stay at home mum Kirsty Smith of Eeh Bah Mum fame.  So for more pearls of wisdom like this….

“Your first hangover as a mum is a spectacular cycle of depression and self-loathing. I remember thinking mums do not throw up n the cutlery drawer and have to be forcibly stopped from breastfeeding”

Check out How To Have a Baby and Not Lose Your Shit.  I wish I had read it as a new mum – it would have been far more useful then What To Expect…

5. Do you ever dream about running away?

I do. At approximately 4.30pm EVERY SINGLE DAY. Because of dinnertime and kids and dinnertime with kids. I don’t. Obviously.  But I hide in the loo and do this instead. The Secret Door – it is an actually (a pretty amazing) marketing ploy by Safestyle Windows UK – but do not let that put you off. Enter the ‘portal’ to travel through space and time to many weird and wonderful destinations. TRY IT.  I am a bit addicted…

6. These films…

 So James the Husband and I actually had a whole afternoon without the kids over Christmas. We should do something special, I thought, go for a romantic meal, drink wine, perhaps have some long-awaited ‘romance’ before we forget how it is done….’OR’ says, James the husband – “we could go and see the new Stars Wars film…I GOT US TICKETS!!”  So we went to the see Star Wars.

I hate the cinema. They don’t sell wine and you have to sit right next to Other People who may or may not smell weird, touch you with their elbow or be crunching popcorn in an irritating manner. So it was my first trip to the cinema in FIVE Years but…I loved the film. AND, it was actually quite nice to watch something on a seat that doesn’t smell like urine.

OR… About Time (2013) by Richard Curtis is on Netflix if you can’t face leaving the house.  I cried for three days. It was a brilliant film but…put it this way, it resulted in my husband and I Googling Vasectomy Reversal. So, yes, watch it at your own risk.

7.This meme

 

 dummy8. ‘Hot’ news from Sleep Thief HQ.

Earlier in the year I was on the Jeremy Vine show with Clare Byam-Cook debating the DISASTER (according to her) of letting a four-year-old have a dummy…because if you do they will want that dummy FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE. I explained that my daughter (4yo) still had her dummy in bed and that I was confident she would drop it in her own time. She did. Over Christmas. Without any tears or fuss – she just did. It is a Christmas miracle. And the best news is she does not have impaired speech or dodgy teeth so IN YOUR FACE BYAM-COOK.

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2 thoughts on “Baby-Trapped: Edition #1

  1. I never realised how much I loved my smart phone until Squidge was born and I realised I could explore the darkest cornets of the internet at stupid o’clock in the morning without waking him up.
    We also saw Star Wars after Christmas and I got to spend a whole afternoon pretending that I wasn’t mummy to a small person who had not only learned to say no but also point his finger at the person who displeased him. I love him to bits that afternoon was amazing.

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