You know all that stuff THEY warn you about when you have a baby?
PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.
Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.
Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.
Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…
Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.
Well, it’s all bollocks. Continue reading
This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully.
I am not going to lie.
This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.
In fact, it won’t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.
But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night without punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to a travelling circus.
It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies. Continue reading
Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb
The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.
I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.
Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?
Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??
‘Where the hell is my womb?’ We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.” Continue reading
A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIESLESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB
Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.
Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.
They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s lush womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading
This General Election campaign is almost over!!
We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.
It has been a while since the last post because well, Christmas. No one warned me that the festive season gets TEN TIMES BUSIER once you have a child at school. Seriously.. Nativity, fayres, fetes, carol concerts, parties, trips, I HAD TO DECORATE A BLOODY JAR FOR GOD’S SAKE. Anyway, excuses over. Here is some stuff for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.
WHY is it that when you have a baby who does not sleep everyone else you meet seems to have a baby who does sleep?
Don’t get me wrong. I think it is great. I am honestly happy for these people.
I don’t even mind when they tell me about it.
Which they do.
Every time I see them. Continue reading
IF you have just given birth it is very likely that ‘losing the baby weight’ is the last thing on your mind.
I think speak for a lot of new mums when I say we simply do NOT give a damn whether we will ever fit into our skinny jeans again. We are more worried about whether we will ever have time to get dressed again.
Besides, the very best way to lose those extra pounds is simply to have the baby!
To read my guide on how to lose your baby weight without even trying or caring feel free to head over to Metro UK by clicking here!
Did you give a toss about your post baby body? Join me for a chat on Facebook or Twitter or sign up for delightful emails full of useless advice!!
