Baby Trapped Edition 8: 9 things to entertain you during the long, long, long summer holidays

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Baby-Trapped 8: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The good news….

It is the summer holidays and so NO school run for six weeks.

2) The bad news…

It is the summer holidays so no school  for six weeks…

I have been nagged almost to death and feeling a bit weird about my youngest starting school in September but amazingly I have not completely lost my shit – yet.  However,  it is only  Day five.

Here is one thing i have learnt his week

Never play Guess Who with a 4 year old because it will end in tears..

ME: Right, you go first!

4YO: Who are you?

ME: No, remember you have to guess who I have on my card? That’s the game.

4YO: OK. Are you Captain Barnacles?

ME: No.

4YO: Are you a banana?

ME: NO! I am somebody from the pictures on your board?

4YO: *shoves her card in my face* Are you this one?

ME: No that is your card! You are not supposed to show me that. I have to guess…FFS!!!! Here have another card, DO NOT show me who it is this time. Now ask a few questions before you guess.. like have you got blonde hair?

4YO: Are you Donald Trump?

ME: NO! I am somebody from the bloody board! We have been through this!! See all those faces in front of you, I have one of them on my card?

4YO: Oh, who?

ME: YOU. HAVE. TO. GUESS. WHO!

4YO: Why?

ME: Because that is that game. IT IS GUESS WHO SO YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHO I HAVE ON MY CARD

4YO: Why can’t you just tell me?

ME: BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW THE BLOODY GAME WORKS! YOU GUESS WHO IS ON MY CARD!

4YO: That’s stupid.

ME: Fine. Tell you what let’s play a new game called Don’t Guess Who. Here is my card. I am Hans. Now who is on your card?

4YO: You have to guess.

ME: Ok, fine. *Deep breath* Fine. OK, do you have a hat?

4YO: Guess.

ME: Fine. You have a hat???

4YO: Not telling you.

ME: Are you a man?

4YO: Maybe.

ME: YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YES OR NO!

4YO: You said it was a guessing game, mummy.

ME: It is, but you ask for clues then make your guess! NOW DO YOU HAVE A MOTHERFRICKING HAT?

4YO: Do you have a hat?

ME: We have done mine – remember I was Hans.

4YO: Yay! So I won!!

ME: YES, WHATEVER YOU WON , I LOST. I DON’T CARE ANY MORE.

4YO: Hooray! Can we play again?

ME: *POURING A LARGE GLASS OF WINE* Guess?

So if anyone can recommend a board game that doesn’t make me want to stab myself in the face please let me know!

 

3) The other news…

Drowsy but awake is bollocks, says baby

A BABY has claimed that advice such as ‘put your child down drowsy but awake’ is a pile of wank written by twats who have no idea how babies actually work.

Six-month-old Rosie went on to state that being ripped from her mother’s pleasantly warm bosom when she is on the verge of dozing off is really fucking annoying.

Rosie said: “One minute I am snuggled up on my mummy or daddy feeling all sleepy then BAM, I am shoved into what I can only describe as a wooden prison of hell. So of course, then I am way too pissed off to sleep for the rest of the night.”

“And don’t even get me started on sleep training!  One night I cried and nobody came because according to mummy, ‘Google said babies should learn to settle themselves to sleep’.

“I don’t know who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.”

Rosie’s dad said: “That cot cost us £500 and took me three hours to put together. Yet, she has slept in it twice!

‘The problem is that she looks so adorable when she is lying on my chest. So before I know it I’m cherishing that damn special moment for so long that she falls fast asleep.”

I am writing stuff for satire news site Daily Mash now which is so much fun…check it out…

4) Stuff to do with the kids this summer that won’t bore you shitless

I hate the park. I hate doing crafts. I hate baking. I hate the soft play centre.

Of course, I do these things (Angel Delight counts as baking, right?) because it makes my children happy and I love them being happy but that does’t make me ENJOY doing the actual thing.

So when I find  something that make the kids happy AND doesn’t bore me shitless I get quite excited and feel the need to write about it.

We recently took a trip to  Snozone –  an indoor ski slope with real snow in Milton Keynes.  We had an hour long family ski lesson followed by sledging and we ALL loved it.

We had a brilliant (and very patient) instructor Joshua, who got the kids actually ski-ing a little in one hour.  He even managed to get my husband to ski a bit without falling over, which, if you had seen my husband at the beginning you’d see what a great achievement this was!!

Following this, we had some hot chocolate before embarking on some sledging which was really fast but really good fun.

So there you are. Go hit the slopes. Snozone provide all the gear- you will just need coats and gloves and I recommend warm socks.

5) Night shift read of the week

My youngest Sleep Thief starts school in September. I am not sure how I feel about it yet. While I am happy to have more time to write and work, I am sad because I will miss having small people around during the week.  Which is probably why this article made me cry..

“It happened just like that.

The first six weeks of his life were an entire lifetime in and of themselves. Every second of every day was full, overflowing with effort and sweat and emotions and the searing desperation that comes with sleep deprivation.”

 6) Going Out Out

Now I am no longer severely sleep-deprived in charge of babies I occasionally get to go OUT OUT! (basically the ‘this too will pass ‘ people were flipping right). However, I don’t often venture too far because I occasionally get a bit panicky about going to places my Anxiety likes to call, ‘BIG ZONES OF DANGER’. But I recently went to watch Great British Mysteries?  a live mockumentary adventure investigating monsters, myths by Rose Robinson and Will Close. Check them out in Edinburgh if you are heading that way. They are bloody hilarious and well worth the ‘trauma’ of travelling to the Danger Zone, alone at night.

7) This book…

The Cows by Dawn O Porter is one of those books that inspire me to be a better writer. It is so good i actually put off  getting to the end as I didn’t want it to be over  (yes, I am a sad bookworm).

It tells the story of  Tara, Cam and Stella, three strangers living their own lives as best they can despite not conforming to what society expects of them.

A crazy event ties invisible bonds of friendship between them when one woman’s excruciating catastrophe becomes another’s inspiration, and a life lesson to all.

This book is totally different from anything I have ever read and inspires you to speak up, stand out and sod what everyone else thinks.

8) To watch if the kids leave you the hell alone…

I have never been into wrestling so I did NOT think I was going to like Glow – a current Netflix show based on the true story of a troupe of women wrestlers in the 1980s. However, the script, characters and humour hooked me from about episode two. In fact, it has made me really quite fancy the idea of being a wrestler…  The Sleepless Slayer perhaps???

9) And finally this….  

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has left me a book review for Sleep is for the Weak. I really do appreciate it – especially as i know most of you are tired and busy taking care of babies so THANK YOU. If anyone has read my book and liked it please please leave me a review here and make me look popular!! It would be a great help.

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Good night, Sleep tight…or just bloody sleep however you can..

Feel free to leave a reply..misery loves company.