How to quit mornings with kids

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading

Five Minutes’ Peace: TheUncut Version

THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole. Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.

Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday. She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door. Continue reading

Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

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How NOT to be a dick on the Internet (when you are a parent)

dontbeadickThe Internet is great for parents. Not only can you find information on ALL THE STUFF, there are an abundance of chat forums, Facebook groups and websites where you might just find your ‘virtual village’.

However, there are a few people who just have to ruin it for everyone…

The Dicks.

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This may be the last time to cherish every moment because they grow up so fast

cherishI have a confession to make.

When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading

The pointless sleep advice parents are sick of hearing

The Institute Of Real Life People With Actual BabiesThanks to the Internet we now have parenting tips available to us 24 hours a day!

While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.

One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.

For example:

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A Sleep-Deprived Mother’s Guide To Dinnertime

dinner time‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.

I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears.  There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.

‘Please’  I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’

Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.

I pick up the knife. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #4

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading

The real true reasons why babies wake up at night

Cloud 2Babies wake up at night. This is a fact.  But as they can only communicate with cries, giggles or gurgles, the tricky bit is working out why.

As we stagger towards our screaming bundles of joy for the fuckteenth time, we desperately try to figure out what is wrong.

Are they teething, hungry, do they have wind or are they just messing with us?

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How To Get Things Done When You Are too Tired To Do Things

fcedcc6abd4aa83dbc2faaef6ff8e1eeIT is Christmas Eve.  All I want to do is to go to bed and sleep all day but I have two small children and Things To Do. I hate Things To Do.

‘I’ll get up, get dressed and get organised, I thought as i forced myself out of bed this morning. ‘I’ll write a list!  A THINGS TO DO LIST. And I shall do all the things.’

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