This is why I should not watch the news

20160702_133131I was sat at my desk trying to write funny words for money when I heard the news…

‘Terrorist drives through crowds celebrating Bastille Day in Nice. Lorry speeds for 2km, killing 84 people – including 10 children. Witnesses say driver zigzagged to kill as many victims as possible…’

I listened to the rest of the story with tears in my eyes. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: 9 ways to pass the time: Edition #5

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news

Today is a big day. Tomorrow morning I will wake up to a new era.  After months and months of thinking about it and stressing about it, I made my decision and went for it…. Continue reading

How much sleep does a baby really need? Real Life People With Actual Babies reveal the answer

how much sleep should my baby get?

According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,

‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’

Continue reading

How to put a baby in a cot (without losing your shit)

drowsybutawakeDoes your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot?  Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?

Then this is the method for you.

Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.

Continue reading

8 sleep training methods that probably won’t work (and one that definitely will).

sleeptraining for dunmmiesWHEN it comes to getting babies to sleep, there is an abundance of advice available on the Internet, in books and from random strangers in the supermarket.

Whether you are looking to co-sleep with your baby, leave them to cry or have some fun with Ferberization  –  there really a method for everyone.

To help you decide how best to train your offspring, here is a comprehensive guide to some of the most popular sleep techniques (that probably won’t work): Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #4

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #3

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

Happy Half Term Monday!

ME (last week): Roll on half term! It’ll be nice to spend some quality time with both the children.

ME (Today at 4pm):  Stop hitting your sister, who had it first? Get off the window sill, no you cannot have another biscuit, leave your sister alone, I don’t know who’s turn it is, No, No, No, In a minute, I only have TWO hands, socks do not go in the toilet, come and eat your dinner, DINNER TIME, where are your clothes, is that wee, stop climbing, stop fighting, STOP SHOUTING!!! WHERE IS THE WINE?!!

F*CK YOU HALF TERM. Continue reading

What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am. Continue reading