This is why I should not watch the news

20160702_133131I was sat at my desk trying to write funny words for money when I heard the news…

‘Terrorist drives through crowds celebrating Bastille Day in Nice. Lorry speeds for 2km, killing 84 people – including 10 children. Witnesses say driver zigzagged to kill as many victims as possible…’

I listened to the rest of the story with tears in my eyes. Mass murder, death, terrorism. Parents have lost children. Children have lost parents. My heart aches for them.

But I need to work. ‘11 reasons why I wish laundry had a face so I could punch it’. I can’t be funny. Not today. I keep imagining what it would be like to be with my family among the crowds on Bastille Day. I picture my five-year-old laughing on her dad’s shoulders. I see myself holding on to my toddler’s tiny hand as she greedily licks at an ice cream. We’re having a great time. Smiling and enjoying the atmosphere, enjoying each other. When, BAM. We blink and everything changes.

‘21 ways having a baby is like eating cabbage…’   Can’t think. But I need the money, I need to work. BUT this feels ridiculous now. It feels shallow.

I feel sad, scared and so vulnerable. I want to lock my daughters up at home forever. Maybe we could just never leave the village?  Stay safe. Stay together. But what about when they get older? They might want to travel or visit big bomby places. Maybe we can all move to an island! Save up for a big boat and sail away and never come back. Live off the land like the Swiss Family Robinson.

I left home at 18. I moved to Devon then later got a job on a cruise ship. A year later I went to London to seek my fortune. I made friends with people I met on trains, went to parties and drank beer on Leicester Square at New Year’s Eve. I later went to Paris and danced on tables and drank cocktails with random strangers. I had a great time. I had adventures. But I don’t want my daughters to have adventures. Adventures are too dangerous now. THEY MUST STAY AT HOME AND BE SAFE WITH ME FOREVER.

I know I can’t lock them up. As much as it terrifies me, I want them to LIVE. Experience new things and meet new people, just like I did. But FUCK.. it is going to be so hard to let them go.

I want to make the world a better place for them. I want them to grow up in peace NOT war. I want them to enjoy being fearless and naïve and young, but I feel so helpless. I want to do something – but what? I want to STOP the killing. I want to protect my family. I want to make the world SAFE. I want everyone to be kind to each other. But I have no idea how.

So, as much as I want to write 24 amusing reasons why toddlers lose their shit, I can’t today. Instead, I’ll cry for the people of Nice who have lost loved ones. Then I’ll go hug my daughters as tight as I can and try not to think about the day when they want to have adventures.

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