Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:
Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl
Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes
Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time
Or, I could make a plan to really, definitely TRY not to be late this term..the same plan I make at the start of every term. The same plan that never quite works out because, well, see reasons above.
So, while I enjoy my last night of the school holiday, here is some stuff to read for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.
1) This good news…
Babies wake up at night. They are famous for it. After all, they have spent most of their life inside a human woman so waking up in the real world alone has got to be pretty scary. So they cry out for us, once, twice or SIXTEEN TIMES A BLOODY NIGHT. And it is tough on us parents. Really tough. Deep down we KNOW it will pass. We know they will grow out of it and we know it is just temporary, but it doesn’t make it feel any easier when you are in the thick of it. Everyone around you is banging on about when and how babies should be sleeping through the night. The Internet is telling us we will become obese, get heart disease and probably DIE. So our tired brains convince us we MUST do something, we must get this sleep ‘problem sorted’. But the thing is. Babies waking up at night is not actually a sleep ‘problem’ – it is totally normal behaviour. Look, I know what you are thinking:
‘I AM SO TIRED I CAN’T REMEMBER WHEN I LAST CLEANED MY TEETH AND I AM PRETTY SURE I JUST HALLUCINATED UNLESS MY BABY ACTUALLY DOES HAVE TRVEOR MCDONALD’S HEAD. I NEED MY CHILD TO GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP.’
So you panic, buy all the books, order Sean the Shitting Sheep and attempt one of those training methods that ‘guarantee to get your baby to sleep in just SEVEN days’. But two hours into the ‘revolutionary technique and you are crying, the baby is crying and Sean The Sheep is in the bin. Not only do you now feel like a horrible mother for leaving your child to cry for like, ten minutes, but you also feel like a failure for not sticking to the method.
Yes, it is tough. BUT, what if I told you that your baby will sleep through the night (eventually) without any training whatsoever? Don’t take my word for it. Take Darcia’s. She has a flipping PHD and everything. This is her (actually useful) advice Avoid Stressful Sleep Training and Get the Sleep You Need.
Alternatively, you could try this method I came up with myself. It really and truly ‘guarantees to get your baby to sleep in just SEVEN days (or eventually)’.
2) This weirdness…
So, you can buy a perfume that smells like Play-Doh. PLAY DOH. But the weirdest thing is that it has 93 FIVE STAR reviews on Amazon. Including, this one from on.
“This stuff smells very close to the actual smell of play-doh. At first it doesn’t even resemble the fragrance, but once it settles you’ll be quite amazed at how much it does the trick !”
And this guy –
“Brings back memories of childhood. I guess it would be weird to sniff play-doh all day as an adult. Luckily with this cologne, I don’t have to. I can just sit and bask in my own personal scent.”
“this stuff smells NOTHING like play doh and is in fact, disgusting.”
3) This book…
If you have more than one child and you want to start World War III – this book is perfect.
Apparently, they both can’t choose the same thing…
This is a great book and the kids love choosing where they would live, what they would eat, do, play and be… but DO NOT read it to them at bed time. Trust me on this one, people.
4) This tweet…
The secret to never yelling at your kids is to always have a stranger at your house doing some sort of repair work.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 18, 2016
5) These reasons why babies wake up at night (probably)
Are they hungry, thirsty, cold, scared or just being dicks?
6) This brilliant article that is not what you think..
“Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me. Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.” A great read for the night feed.
7) This Sleep Thief Shop
I have opened an online shop! The Sleep Thief Shop features unique gifts is for tired parents (or anyone who loves sleep and mugs). It also has Sleep Thief Baby wear, thermos mugs, pyjamas, T-Shirts, Phone cases and bags.. So as it is MOTHER’S DAY on March 6th. Check it out and treat yourself – or send link to your kids/partner! Delivers to UK and worldwide!