The Last Time (Thank God For That)

 

THE LAST TIME (THANK GOD FOR THAT OR NOT…WHATEVER…)

This may be the last time you sleep on my chest,
I should cherish it now and start feeling blessed.

BUT THEN AGAIN…
This may be the last time I’m trapped under you
Exhausted and lonely and needing the loo.

This may be the last time you feed from my breast,
I should try to enjoy it and stop feeling stressed
BUT THEN AGAIN… Continue reading

How to quit mornings with kids

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading

The Break Up

“We need to talk.” I said. “There is no easy way to say this but I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I have changed and I don’t need you any more.”

“You can’t do this,” You replied. “You need me. You’ll always need me.”

“Not any more.” I explained. “I met you at difficult time and you made my life better. You gave me back my confidence and helped me find my way back to the person I was before things got tough. You brought me happiness and calm and I will always be grateful. But I no longer need you.”

“You’ll be back,” You muttered and I turned and walked away. Continue reading

Five Minutes’ Peace: TheUncut Version

THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole.

Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.

Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday. 

She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door.

Continue reading

Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

Continue reading

The Real Night Before Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house,

No one was sleeping..because, IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE AND THEY NEVER BLOODY DO.

On the night before Christmas, so it is said,

Children should nestle, snug in their beds.

On the night before Christmas, so I have heard

No one should be stirring or saying a word…

On the night before Christmas, so they say,

Mummy gets a winter’s nap at the end of the day.

 

Well, I call CRAP. There is no nap.

Just tidying up and presents to wrap.

Then children telling countless lies

About why they can’t close their eyes,

“Mummy, mummy I can’t go to bed.

 There’s sugarplums dancing in my head.”

 

On the night before Christmas, finally I’m in bed

With the Mr Tumble song stuck in my head.

When all I once I heard such a clatter,

I ran into the hall to see what was the matter.

“MUMMY, HAS SANTA BEEN YET?

Is it too late to ask him to bring a pet?

Does he do dogs? Or perhaps a cat?

Can you ring him now and ask him that?”

 

On the night before Christmas, kids back in bed

Once again, I lay down my heavy head.

When all at once I heard an almighty crash

So out of my bedroom I flew like a flash.

“FOR F**KS SAKE,” I whisper. “WHAT IS WRONG?”

“Mummy, will Santa be very long?

Because I really need a poo,

Will Santa come while I’m on the loo?”

 

On the night before Christmas, I need some sleep!

Back into my bed I wearily creep,

Then just as my eyes begin to close

Out on the lawn a noise arose.

“What now”’ I cry and to the window I dash,

I open the curtain and throw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?

Actual Father Christmas and his reindeer!

 

On the night before Christmas, I saw St Nick!

Or is sleep-deprivation playing a trick?

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

He whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Excuse me,” I yelled at the man in red.

“But I’ve just got my children back into bed,

I know you have to deliver all those toys

But do have to make so much bloody noise?”

 

On the night before Christmas, I watched in glee

As Santa put presents under the tree

“Excuse me,” I call over to the jolly old elf,

“Could I please get a photo of you and myself?”

A quick selfie later Santa nodded his head.

And I knew it was time to go back to bed.

 

Up the chimney he rose, than sprang to his sleigh

Where his reindeers were ready to fly him away.

Then I heard him whisper as he flew out of sight

“Happy Christmas to you, may you get sleep tonight!”


THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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SLEEP-TRAINING FOR GROWN UPS

The Internet is awash with ‘research’ that shows sleep training is bad for our babies. However, there is also an abundance of ‘research; suggesting that NOT sleep training is bad for our babies. (The research is usually taken from studies of 4 babies, 2 kangaroo cubs and a tadpole so it is almost always definitely accurate). So when it comes to baby sleep, what bullshit advice are we supposed to follow? Continue reading

The Woman Who Was ‘Just About Managing’ In A Shoe

When you feel really strongly about something so you plan to write an intelligent, strongly worded article that will CHANGE THE WORLD but…..this happens…

screen-shot-2016-11-24-at-14-31-55

There once was a woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children; she didn’t know what to do
Why did she live in a shoe you may say?
Because rent for a house she could not pay,
She ‘just managed’ to put food on the table
Perhaps broth with bread, when she was able. Continue reading

How it really feels when you are too tired for biscuits

plate-of-biscuitsRemember before you had children when you and your partner used to have ‘biscuits’?

Really good biscuits that you could eat whenever and wherever you liked – in bed, on the sofa or even in the bath.

You would try all sorts of biscuits together; sometimes you would enjoy the comfort of a digestive, other times you would eat a whole packet of Hob Nobs just because you COULD.

Then you have babies and you struggle to find the time or energy to have any biscuits at all. You start to worry;

“What if we go off biscuits forever?’

“Are all the other parents having biscuits?”

“Will my partner eat biscuits with someone else? Someone with more energy and a whole tin full of home-baked cookies?”  

“What if we NEVER EVER get to eat biscuits together again?” Continue reading

How NOT to be a dick on the Internet (when you are a parent)

dontbeadickThe Internet is great for parents. Not only can you find information on ALL THE STUFF, there are an abundance of chat forums, Facebook groups and websites where you might just find your ‘virtual village’.

However, there are a few people who just have to ruin it for everyone…

The Dicks.

Continue reading