A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES
LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB
Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.
Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.
They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s lush womby palace kind of takes some getting used to..
Ok, sure, sometimes we are teething, have wind, reflux or feel a bit peckish but a lot of the time we wake up because we don’t want to be asleep. We want to see mummy and daddy to check they’re still alive and stuff.
So next time your baby wakes up at night (sleep is for the weak) consider these things:
Parents love to blame stuff on teething. My mummy often tells people I am teething when really I am just being a dick.
If I were actually teething the amount of times she says I am teething I would have 6,908 teeth. I have four. You do the maths.
So when I wake up at night – Daddy and Mummy often spend hours having the ‘is she teething’ discussion. And then they wonder why they’re tired in the morning! Idiots!
Many parents often believe that milk is key to getting a baby to sleep. While it is key to getting us to shut the fuck up it might not necessarily make us fall asleep.
Therefore, in the hope we’ll be SO full up we will sleep all night long, they feed us loads all day, before bedtime, during bedtime, do a ‘dream feed’ (which is a bit like someone sticking a sandwich in your face when you are having a nap – awful).
However, the only way to guarantee milk will make us sleep is to slip some whisky in it. (Calm down, it was a joke..)
Parents often believe that babies cry at night because they need to be with them 24 hours a day. (Bless) But sometimes we are just bored shitless. It’s not like we can read a book or go clubbing Crying is all we got.
And the only people who can provide company or a slither of entertainment during the twilight hours are our grown ups.
So we stick our bottom lip out, hold our arms up and scream and we get a grown up to play with in no time.
Don’t be an idiot…
Right, I’m just going to say it. Parents. Are. Idiots.
For example, this one night I woke up at 4am.
It was dark, I was alone, a bit scared and I really fancied a cuddle (hey, I am a baby for god’s sake). So I did a little cry, all confident Mummy or Daddy would come and deliver a hug and make me feel better.
But… They. Did. Not. Come.
I kid you not, people. Lots of time passed, then lots more time but there was still no sign of my parents. So then I started getting upset for real.
What if they have gone forever? I thought. What if they are DEAD? What if they have run away?
By this time I was actually hysterical. Well, wouldn’t you be? As far as I was concerned, I was now an orphan who was going to be trapped in a cot prison forever, drenched in my own faeces and urine. The nappy rash alone would be hell.
Thankfully, a few seconds later my parents burst into my room looking like hell! I think Mummy had been crying.
Oh man, what’s happened to them? I thought. It must be something bad, really bad.
Then her and daddy started shouting at each other. Daddy was saying something about mummy ‘making a rod for her own back’. (Which if you ask me, sounds like a really weird thing to be doing at 4am. What is a back rod anyway? Grown ups are odd).
Anyway, then they start saying it is all their fault that I don’t sleep through the night because they always comfort me when I wake up.
BUT I WAKE UP BECAUSE I NEED COMFORT! I want to yell at them but I can’t on account of being a baby so I have to go with WAAAAAAH instead.
Where was I? Oh right, so at this point things got really heated.
Mummy starts saying naughty words about someone called Gina Fucking Ford while Daddy looks at his handheld information finder thingy.
“Here,” he announced triumphantly. “Google says babies should be taught to Self Soothe and what’s more, they should always be put down in their cot when they are drowsy but awake.”
I have no idea who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.
So then Daddy started doing this really strange thing where he would give me a lovely snuggly cuddle but just as I got all comfy and drowsy, he’d pull me off him and place me in the cold, dark cot prison. Then he’d look all surprised when I screamed my head off. Like I am the weirdo!
He does this about five times until it is actually time for my feed so mummy gives me some milk and he goes back to bed muttering something about ‘ME keeping HIM up all night’
ME? That’s rich. I just wanted a little cuddle and they bring all this shit to my door.
Parents, do not be idiots. Give your baby what he wants. Even if what he wants is just you. It is not like it will last forever or even for very long. Just until he realises that Outside The Womb is not as scary as shit after all.
I have written a book How Babies Actually Work (mummy helped a little bit) if you are a publisher or agent and would like to see the proposal then drop me a line! Check out Lesson Number 2: A Baby’s Guide to leaving the Womb and Lesson 3: A Baby’s Guide To Dealing with arsehole visitors
Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!
Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!