Five Minutes’ Peace: TheUncut Version

THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole. Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.

Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday. She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door.

“Where are you going with that tray, Mum?” asked Laura.
“To the bathroom,” said Mrs Large.
“Why?” asked the other two children.
“Because I want five minutes peace away from you lot,” said Mrs Large. “That’s why.”
“Can we come?” asked Lester.
“NO!” said Mrs Large, switching on Cbeebies and heading up the stairs.

Mrs Large moved all the sodding plastic toys from the tub and ran a deep, hot bath. She found half a bottle of baby bath foam, emptied it into the water and got in. She poured herself a large mug of wine and lay back with her eyes closed. It was heaven.

“CAN I PLAY YOU A TUNE?” asked Lester.
Mrs Large open one eye. “For fuck’s sake,” she muttered under her breath realising she had forgotten to lock the door.
“Go on then,” sighed Mrs Large while plotting the murder of whoever the HELL invented the sodding recorder. She took a sip of wine and Lester played Twinkle Twinkle Little Star until Mrs Large felt her ears begin to bleed.

In came Laura.
“Can I read you a page from my reading book, Mum?” She asked.
“Oh please no,” thought Mrs Large, as she was not sure she had the patience for phonics this morning.
“No, Laura. Now go downstairs all of you,” said Mrs Large provoking an almighty tantrum from Laura.
“OK, OK! STOP SCREAMING,” said Mrs Large, “JUST ONE PAGE THEN.”
So Laura ‘sounded out’ three and a half pages of Mum’s New Hat (which is every bit as exciting as it sounds).

Next, in came the little one and threw a trunkful of toys into the bath water.
“For god’s sake,” said Mrs Large and necked the rest of her wine.

“Can I have your cake? Can I play on your phone? I need a poo? Can I get in with you? Can I have a drink? Can you play trains with me?” Nagged the children before they all climbed into the bath.
“Uh, oh. I did a wee wee!” said the little one.
“Of course you did, dear,’” groaned Mrs Large before counting to ten and getting out. She put on her dressing gown and headed for the door.

“Where are you going now mum?” asked Laura
“To the kitchen,” said Mrs Large.
“Why?” asked Lester.
“Because I want five minutes peace away from you lot. Just five minutes is all I ask! Five minutes where no one asks me for a drink or to wipe their bum or urinates on the floor! Five minutes where no one yells “I HAD IT FIRST’ or “MUMMY!” or “I NEED A SNACK.” Just a few minutes to myself where I can hear myself think or have a poo by myself! Five teeny tiny minutes where nobody asks me for anything and no one, I repeat, NO ONE PLAYS THE BLOODY RECORDER!” said Mrs Large. “That’s why.”

And off she went down stairs where she had just sat down to drink her triple-reheated coffee before they all came to join her.

The End

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