I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.
When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’.
However, it seems once again I was wrong and my expectations were a far cry from the reality of actually getting two small children up and ready for pre-school and school.
In fact, I soon discovered that the stress actually starts while you are still asleep. You see, if I am going to have a fighting chance of getting everyone in this house ready I have to get myself ready – which means, I NEED COFFEE. And I don’t mean the triple reheated kind accompanied by Nag and Whine. I mean a mug of hot caffeiney silence before the chaos begins. So I nervously sneak out of bed and tip toe into the kitchen and make a coffee like a fucking ninja. Then I sit down to watch the morning news like a normal person. Which is the exact moment when YOU my beloved children decide to CRASH MY NICE QUIET PARTY.
“Mummy, can I have a biscuit? Mummy, can you wipe my bum? Mummy, can I have a drink? Mummy, can I have the moon on a frigging stick?”
“It is too early for anything.” I tell you. “Go back to bed. You are not welcome here!” But you ignore my cries and instead this starts….
“CBEEBIES! CAN WE WATCH CBEEBIES?”
It is bad enough I have to listen to your annoying shouty child voices pre-coffee but there is NO WAY am I going to put up with Postman Pat too, so I stand firm.
“It is too early for Cbeebies. I am watching the news. You can watch CBeebies in a minute.”
Three seconds later
“CAN I WATCH CBEEBIES?”
“In a minute!”
Two seconds later
“CAN I WATCH CBEEBIES?”
Another second later
“CBEEBIES? CBEEBIES CBEEBIES”
”A minute is sixty seconds that was not even two seconds!”
“ONE, TWO, THREE FOUR, FIVE , SIX, SEVEN, SIXTY! CBEEBIES, NOW?”
“No they are dead. CBeebies are dead. All of them. Dead.”
At this point my darlings, you proceed to make so much noise I can’t hear the bloody news, which is of course, all part of your evil plan.
“FINE. WATCH CBEEBIES!” I tell you turning the TV over. “But if there is a bomb and we all die because we didn’t watch the news people telling us to vacate the area– do not blame me!”
“BOMBS! LET’S PLAY BOMBS!” cue more loudness
So I am forced to neck my cold coffee to the sound of ‘bombs’ and the Furchester theme tune before embarking on a daily game I like to call ‘SHOUT THINGS AT KIDS WHILE THEY IGNORE ME.’
“What do you want for breakfast? What do you want for breakfast? What do you want? BREAKFAST? WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. BLOODY. BREAKFAST?” For fucks sake it is not a difficult question??
“Come and get dressed, come and get dressed, come and get dressed! Fine we’ll go to school naked! Is that what you want? Is it? Fine. We will. COME AND GET DRESSED!”
“But you said we can go to school naked!” You whine. FFS.
“No, we can’t go to the park or the soft play or to Esme’s house or to Buckingham Palace! WHY? Because it may have ESCAPED YOUR NOTICE BUT WE ARE GOING TO BLOODY SCHOOL YOU DICKHEADS!”
“Clean your teeth, clean your teeth, clean your teeth. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.”
“HURRY UP, HURRY UP, HURRY UP, HURRY UP. WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE.”
“CLOTHES, TEETH, SHOES, COAT, HURRY UP! CLOTHES, TEETH, SHOES, COAT, HURRY UP” X 1000
In addition to all this, I was not pre-warned that the Morning Routine would also include a half hour long Get Your Pants On Chase, followed by a 20 minute Socks On Run and several bouts of the Toothbrush Into Mouth Wrestle.
I hope you understand my decision to take a break from what has turned out to be a very stressful job. If you have any questions on Mornings, feel free to get in touch but I will ignore you because well, I don’t care. There are clothes in the wardrobe, food in the cupboards and toothbrushes in the bathroom. I wish you luck for the future and I will be back once I am feeling less stabby.
Feel free to share your morning stories in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. Find out more about the first book ever written about babies and sleep to contain no advice whatsoever over here. OUT IN MAY!!!!
PS: Letting my daughter ‘do it herself’ in the morning (coat zip, car seat, put milk on her cereal) is one parenting lesson i learnt the hard way! I wrote about the others in the Metro this week