Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

Kiwi fruit or banana before bed because apparently they contain some magical sleep inducer. VERDICT: I may as well have given them speed.

Baby massage to relax and calm your little one into slumber .                                                 VERDICT: Baby oil + very lively baby = mess.

A jumperoo that we bought because our daughter once fell asleep after bouncing in the one at playgroup                                                                                                                                           VERDICT: Turned out to be a one -off event. A one-off event that cost us £80.

Patting their bum which supposedly emulates the mother’s heart beat and lulls the baby into dreamland.                                                                                                                   VERDICT:  This possibly works better if you have a baby who will actually LIE still and be patted.

Giving them a dream feed in the hope they will be full up and sleep for longer.                                  VERDICT: This did not go well. So imagine if you were fast asleep and someone woke you up by shoving a sandwich into your mouth. You’d be pretty pissed off, right?

Wean them off the night feeds because if there is no milk on offer they’ll stop waking up , right?  VERDICT: Wrong. This method assumes they are waking up because they are hungry. My babies just wanted to be awake – milk or no milk.

White noise because what could be more relaxing than the sound of the ocean waves.                    VERDICT: I would have to turn it up really loud to get the baby to hear it over her NOISE! Plus now every time I go to a beach I hear a baby screaming.

Bore them to sleep by explaining in great detail about what is is like to watch paint dry.   VERDICT: Unfortunately, my baby seemed  fascinated by this subject.

Mummy is here little one…

Make a replacement mummy so that when they start to doze off they will think you are there beside them. As my little one used to like to twiddle my hair I used my childhood Big Doll Samantha and sneakily replaced my hair for hers..

VERDICT: Yeah, yeah, OK. She is a bit terrifying. It would be safe to say the baby absolutely crapped herself.

Lick their ear lobes because someone on a Mumsnet thread swore by it and I had tried everything else and I was so tired and why the hell not and DON’T JUDGE ME.               VERDICT: Success. My baby drifted off into a peaceful snooze…Ok, this did not happen. This technique is bollocks. Obviously.


So I did not have any luck with any of these things but I have since discovered a few more unique methods that may be worth a bash. I wrote about them all over at Metro UK.. if you fancy a read.

I have also been writing about diets and talking about this Slimfast advert. WARNING: Once you have watched it you can never un-watch it.  Alexandra Burke and her breasts will be forever bobbing about in my mind. Anyway, I wrote it all down in  9 reasons not to go on a diet. 

 More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

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