The Real Night Before Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house,

No one was sleeping..because, IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE AND THEY NEVER BLOODY DO.

On the night before Christmas, so it is said,

Children should nestle, snug in their beds.

On the night before Christmas, so I have heard

No one should be stirring or saying a word…

On the night before Christmas, so they say,

Mummy gets a winter’s nap at the end of the day.


Well, I call CRAP. There is no nap.

Just tidying up and presents to wrap.

Then children telling countless lies

About why they can’t close their eyes,

“Mummy, mummy I can’t go to bed.

 There’s sugarplums dancing in my head.”


On the night before Christmas, finally I’m in bed

With the Mr Tumble song stuck in my head.

When all I once I heard such a clatter,

I ran into the hall to see what was the matter.


Is it too late to ask him to bring a pet?

Does he do dogs? Or perhaps a cat?

Can you ring him now and ask him that?”


On the night before Christmas, kids back in bed

Once again, I lay down my heavy head.

When all at once I heard an almighty crash

So out of my bedroom I flew like a flash.

“FOR F**KS SAKE,” I whisper. “WHAT IS WRONG?”

“Mummy, will Santa be very long?

Because I really need a poo,

Will Santa come while I’m on the loo?”


On the night before Christmas, I need some sleep!

Back into my bed I wearily creep,

Then just as my eyes begin to close

Out on the lawn a noise arose.

“What now”’ I cry and to the window I dash,

I open the curtain and throw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?

Actual Father Christmas and his reindeer!


On the night before Christmas, I saw St Nick!

Or is sleep-deprivation playing a trick?

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

He whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Excuse me,” I yelled at the man in red.

“But I’ve just got my children back into bed,

I know you have to deliver all those toys

But do have to make so much bloody noise?”


On the night before Christmas, I watched in glee

As Santa put presents under the tree

“Excuse me,” I call over to the jolly old elf,

“Could I please get a photo of you and myself?”

A quick selfie later Santa nodded his head.

And I knew it was time to go back to bed.


Up the chimney he rose, than sprang to his sleigh

Where his reindeers were ready to fly him away.

Then I heard him whisper as he flew out of sight

“Happy Christmas to you, may you get sleep tonight!”


Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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