How much sleep does a baby really need? Real Life People With Actual Babies reveal the answer

baby sleep

According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,

‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’

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How to put a baby in a cot (without losing your shit)

drowsybutawakeDoes your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot?  Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?

Then this is the method for you.

Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.

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8 sleep training methods that probably won’t work (and one that definitely will).

sleeptraining for dunmmiesWHEN it comes to getting babies to sleep, there is an abundance of advice available on the Internet, in books and from random strangers in the supermarket.

Whether you are looking to co-sleep with your baby, leave them to cry or have some fun with Ferberization  –  there really a method for everyone.

To help you decide how best to train your offspring, here is a comprehensive guide to some of the most popular sleep techniques (that probably won’t work): Continue reading

A Sleep-Deprived Mother’s Guide To Dinnertime

dinner time‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.

I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears.  There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.

‘Please’  I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’

Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.

I pick up the knife. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #4

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time Continue reading

The real true reasons why babies wake up at night

Cloud 2Babies wake up at night. This is a fact.  But as they can only communicate with cries, giggles or gurgles, the tricky bit is working out why.

As we stagger towards our screaming bundles of joy for the fuckteenth time, we desperately try to figure out what is wrong.

Are they teething, hungry, do they have wind or are they just messing with us?

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What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #1

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your kid won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

It has been a while since the last post because well, Christmas. No one warned me that the festive season gets TEN TIMES BUSIER once you have a child at school. Seriously.. Nativity, fayres, fetes, carol concerts, parties, trips, I HAD TO DECORATE A BLOODY JAR FOR GOD’S SAKE. Anyway, excuses over.  Here is some stuff for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.

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