Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…
1) The Good news….
This General Election campaign is almost over!!
2) And the bad news…
We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.
TIRED MUM: Dear Google, can you die from sleep deprivation?
GOOGLE: In the 1980s, a researcher named Allan Rechtschaffen conducted a series of ground-breaking experiments on rats who died. After 32 days of total sleep deprivation, all the rats were dead.’
TIRED MUM: But what about humans? Google, what are the effects of sleep-deprivation on humans?
GOOGLE: Regular poor sleep puts you at risk of various conditions, including depression, heart disease and diabetes – and it shortens your life expectancy.
TIRED MUM: Oh god!
GOOGLE: Oh and it might make you obese.
TIRED MUM: Anything else?
GOOGLE: Hallucinations, possible brain damage…
TIRED MUM: OK, ok stop. I don’t want to hear anymore. So what can I do? I can stop this, right? Google, how can I prevent the effects of sleep deprivation?
GOOGLE: Get some sleep.
TIRED MUM: But I have a baby!
You meet. You fall in love. You get married. Your life is all love, laughter and romance…
Then you have kids and SHIT GETS REAL. Candlelit dinners and nights of passion take a back seat and you ask yourselves ‘Are we still madly in love with each other?
Here are a few signs that you are so totally in love (and you definitely do not need to read an Internet list for confirmation):
I have a confession to make.
When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED.
You are in the supermarket.
The man in the front of you in the queue is paying in pennies.
The woman behind him has a FULL trolley.
The check out girl has called for a supervisor.
You have milk, nappies, a toddler and a screaming baby. Continue reading
According to the Internet, the sleep-deprived among us are well on our way to becoming obese, diabetic and depressed.
But I am here to tell you that are actually some amazing benefits to being woken up every night by a baby!
HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?
Are you too damn tired to try
another stupid ‘revolutionary’ that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand! sleep technique
Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.
G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P a pioneering method featured in my new book – is the only Sleep is for the Weak no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading
This morning I was the victim of an assault.
totally unprovoked attack my two-year-old whacked me in the face with her sippy cup.
And then she laughed.
So I called her an arsehole and necked a bottle of gin.
I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT DO THAT. Continue reading
IT is no secret that as a new mum of ONE baby I struggled. My baby did not like to sleep so I was tired. Very tired.
Then, just when I thought (in a Greg Wallace voice)
parenting just doesn’t get tougher than this…baby two arrived eighteen months later….and I realised that actually yes, it really does..
If you are considering a second child then here are a few tips!!