How it really feels when you are too tired for biscuits

plate-of-biscuitsRemember before you had children when you and your partner used to have ‘biscuits’?

Really good biscuits that you could eat whenever and wherever you liked – in bed, on the sofa or even in the bath.

You would try all sorts of biscuits together; sometimes you would enjoy the comfort of a digestive, other times you would eat a whole packet of Hob Nobs just because you COULD.

Then you have babies and you struggle to find the time or energy to have any biscuits at all. You start to worry;

“What if we go off biscuits forever?’

“Are all the other parents having biscuits?”

“Will my partner eat biscuits with someone else? Someone with more energy and a whole tin full of home-baked cookies?”  

“What if we NEVER EVER get to eat biscuits together again?” Continue reading

The Holiday Bedtime Diaries

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We just got back home after a family ‘holiday’ in Devon. It will come as no surprise to you all that bedtime away from home is even more of a challenge than bedtime at home. But the husband and I have been burnt before. We learnt the hard way that there is no point worrying about sleep on holiday so we were prepared to bugger up our bedtime routine in order to make our week less stressful.

I kept a little diary of our progress…. Continue reading

This may be the last time to cherish every moment because they grow up so fast

cherishI have a confession to make.

When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED. Continue reading

The pointless sleep advice parents are sick of hearing

The Institute Of Real Life People With Actual BabiesThanks to the Internet we now have parenting tips available to us 24 hours a day!

While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.

One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.

For example:

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How to put a baby in a cot (without losing your shit)

drowsybutawakeDoes your baby wake up the moment you even think about transferring her to a cot?  Or does she totally lose her shit if you put her down drowsy but awake?

Then this is the method for you.

Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.

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8 sleep training methods that probably won’t work (and one that definitely will).

sleeptraining for dunmmiesWHEN it comes to getting babies to sleep, there is an abundance of advice available on the Internet, in books and from random strangers in the supermarket.

Whether you are looking to co-sleep with your baby, leave them to cry or have some fun with Ferberization  –  there really a method for everyone.

To help you decide how best to train your offspring, here is a comprehensive guide to some of the most popular sleep techniques (that probably won’t work): Continue reading

A Sleep-Deprived Mother’s Guide To Dinnertime

dinner time‘I can’t do this any more,’ I tell myself as I stare at the knife.

I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears.  There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.

‘Please’  I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’

Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.

I pick up the knife. Continue reading

The real true reasons why babies wake up at night

Cloud 2Babies wake up at night. This is a fact.  But as they can only communicate with cries, giggles or gurgles, the tricky bit is working out why.

As we stagger towards our screaming bundles of joy for the fuckteenth time, we desperately try to figure out what is wrong.

Are they teething, hungry, do they have wind or are they just messing with us?

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What Life Looks Like When Your Baby Won’t Sleep

COFFEEPASSHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night? Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’

Then this may your life now…

1) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house after 8pm.

2) You have a panic attack if you have to leave the house before 8am. Continue reading