Babies wake up at night. This is a fact. But as they can only communicate with cries, giggles or gurgles, the tricky bit is working out why.
As we stagger towards our screaming bundles of joy for the fuckteenth time, we desperately try to figure out what is wrong.
Are they teething, hungry, do they have wind or are they just messing with us?
However, new research by The Institute of Actual People With Real Life Babies has uncovered the real, true reasons why babies wake up during the night:
1) A dirty nappy.
2) A phantom dirty nappy. They wake up, you can smell poo, you put them on the changing mat, they are now WIDE awake but you take off their nappy to find NOTHING.
3) You put them down drowsy but awake.
4) You didn’t put them down drowsy but awake.
5) They are hungry.
6) They are not hungry. Despite showing all of the signs of being desperate for milk, as soon as you attempt to feed them, they refuse the teat/nipple.
7) They are not well. Although, they appear to be magically cured the moment you pick them up.
8) They want to sleep in your bed.
9) They do not want to sleep in your bed. They want to play in your bed. For THREE bloody hours!
10) They are teething.
11) They are not teething.
12) They are absolutely teething.
13) Nope. They are not teething.
14) They are seriously, definitely, certainly teething this time.
15) They are not teething. WHERE are the damn teeth?
16) Wind, (although, you have been rubbing and patting their back for two hours straight and they still haven’t burped).
17) They do not want to be asleep.
18) They are just being dicks.
19) They have been sick.
20) They haven’t been sick. YET. You finally settle them back to sleep, slowly transfer them back into their cot, walk away – then they throw up.
21) They enjoy listening to you and your partner arguing about ‘why the baby is awake, again.’ (A bit like this)
22)You didn’t sleep train them.
23) You did sleep train them and now they are making you pay.
24) You fed/rocked/sang/cuddled them to sleep.
25) You didn’t feed/rock/sing/cuddle them to sleep.
26) They need a cuddle. They have been inside a human woman for most of their lives so waking up alone is as scary as sh*t.
27) They are babies and it is what they do.
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PS: DID you know there are SECRET benefits to being a mum. Feel free to read all about them in this piece I did for Good Housekeeping!