How to ‘sell’ breastfeeding without being a tit

IMG_20131005_143714 (1)Breast milk is really good stuff. We know this.

We have seen the campaigns, read the research and studied the NHS literature we have shoved down our throats from the moment we fall pregnant.

When I was expecting my first child, I was told that breastfeeding is ‘a convenient way to provide you and your baby with a multitude of health benefits.’

To be honest, they had me at ‘convenient’.. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped: Edition #1

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your kid won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

It has been a while since the last post because well, Christmas. No one warned me that the festive season gets TEN TIMES BUSIER once you have a child at school. Seriously.. Nativity, fayres, fetes, carol concerts, parties, trips, I HAD TO DECORATE A BLOODY JAR FOR GOD’S SAKE. Anyway, excuses over.  Here is some stuff for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.

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How To Get Things Done When You Are too Tired To Do Things

fcedcc6abd4aa83dbc2faaef6ff8e1eeIT is Christmas Eve.  All I want to do is to go to bed and sleep all day but I have two small children and Things To Do. I hate Things To Do.

‘I’ll get up, get dressed and get organised, I thought as i forced myself out of bed this morning. ‘I’ll write a list!  A THINGS TO DO LIST. And I shall do all the things.’

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How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night

The Institute of Actual Real life People With Babies (1)HAVE you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?

Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!

The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.

G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually. Continue reading

26 lies tired parents tell

liesI have a confession to make.

Since having babies I have become a big fat liar.

I am not proud of myself, but sometimes lying (and coffee, so much coffee) is the only way to survive  The truth would simply hurt too much (or make you look like a miserable twat) so telling the odd fib is a necessary evil.

If you are a tired parent, then here are a few untruths that you might recognise (or maybe I am  just a miserable twat): Continue reading

Why I am glad my baby did not sleep

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My firstborn started school in September.

I am now a proper grown-up parent with a schoolchild. I have  to get everyone up, dressed and somewhere on time, in clean uncreased clothes, every morning. There will soon be homework, phonics, forms and parents evenings.

I have to kiss my four-year-old daughter goodbye FIVE days a week, and send her off to face new challenges and situations, without me. Continue reading

How to pick up women when you have babies

sleep deprived mum friendsMotherhood can be lonely, but if you are sleep-deprived, it is a bit of a Catch 22.

You crave adult company but at the same time you are too bloody tired for adult company.

Some days talking to anyone over the age of two seems like way too much effort. But on other days you would quite like a moan, a laugh and a chat (ideally over wine) with someone who gets it.

But it is hard to make friends when you are always exhausted. It becomes difficult just to hold a conversation. It impairs your mental filter, tramples over your inhibitions and makes it hard to concentrate on what is being said.

So unfortunately, sleep-deprived parents are not much of a catch but fear not – there is hope for the perfect ‘Mumance’.  Continue reading

Inside the mind of a sleep-deprived parent (at 4am)

4AMHaving a baby that will NOT go to sleep or stay asleep is hard work.

They don’t sleep, so you don’t sleep and, before you know it, your house is a mess, you look a mess and your mind is fast becoming a mess.

Especially at bloody 4am.  When you have been up all night. Continue reading

The Baby Who Did NOT Want To Fall Asleep

Best selling book The Rabbit Who Wants To Fall Asleep promises to get children to sleep in MINUTES… After reading it to my children I was inspired to write my own bed time story for the little ones who do NOT want to fall asleep…

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ONCE upon a time there was a baby girl who did not want to fall asleep.

She would much rather stay up all night having fun, playing and laughing than to …fall asleep (shush now darling, let mummy read the nice story).

Her tired parents would embark on the same routine at the same time every single night in order to get her to fall asleep (stop hitting me in the face). Continue reading

How to take care of a new baby on barely any sleep


newbornHave a major procedure in hospital that results in physical pain and discomfort.

Do not sleep or eat for at least three days.

Ensure you are extremely hormonal.

Now you are ready to take on the biggest challenge of your life. Continue reading