A bit about this newsletter….

1) Why are you writing a newsletter instead of  sleeping or drinking a nice glass of wine?

To share news in the form of a letter with you. Mostly because no one in my house gives a shit about my news. They only care about snacks and going to the fucking park. Of course, there is a big chance that you don’t give a shit either. And you’ll get so bored reading this that you click on a Google Ad just to get away from me, in which case you just made me 0.000001p which was all part of my plan, SUCKER!

2) What will be IN this newsletter?

On a good day I’ll share the important stuff I have been writing like this investigative piece about  a mysterious condition my children develop as soon as I switch off their light and say goodnight – you can check it out here ↓

Kid perfectly fit and well all day has 6,000 ailments at bedtime

And also this piece about my current bag situation…link below ↓

Woman’s handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles

I might even tell you about things i wrote that will be on the actual TV like this:

OR, on a bad day I might just email you a shopping list or a picture of my left foot.

There’ll also be some AMAZING  poetry like this….

SHIT
Sometimes
it’s ok to lose your shit
because if you keep your shit
you’ll end up full of shit
and you’ll explode
and there’d be shit everywhere
A shit storm
And nobody wants that.
– Emily-Jane Clark

— Emily-Jane Clark (@EmilyJaneClark) August 27, 2019

I might also talk a bit about sleep and kids because that is probably how some of you got here. Although, my kids go to sleep now (so that’s the Sleep is for the Weak sequel down the drain) I still have a little bed crasher but let’s gloss over that. BUT I ‘m still TIRED . Mostly because I lie awake thinking about all the stuff like this

3) Is this entire newsletter just going to be about this newsletter?

of course not. In fact, it’s about to get really exciting.

4) The exciting bit

I am doing a NEW newsletter!  (sorry).

5) In other news..

A lot of people have messaged me asking whether I am writing another book. The answer is YES but it won’t be about sleep  because as I may have mentioned my bastard kids have started sleeping now. I suppose i could have another baby…but I am way too tired and busy and just really don’t want another baby.   I am currently working as a comedy writer (or writer of bollocks for money as I call it) for various places including The Daily Mash and Mash Report (NEW series starts in September by the way) in between writing a novel for early readers (because I promised my kids I would write something with NO swearing in it) and a non-fiction book full of all the random poetry, dialogue and nonsense I scribbled in my diary during the first few years of parenthood  …AND a sitcom so you see, definitely no TIME to have a baby for my art…

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A post shared by Emily-Jane Clark (@emilyjane.clark)

And that’s about it for now!  Thanks for reading or fucking off to read all about that amazing mattress you saw on Google ads.

PS: My FIVE STAR (go me!) rated book Sleep Is For The Weak- which is an antithesis to baby sleep advice – is available on Amazon right now..

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WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?

First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.

Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.

Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with  ‘self soothing’  and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.

Finally, there are the ‘Scaremongerering Shitheads’, who spout a load shit at you about the hazards of co-sleeping and keep tagging you on ‘READ THIS OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE’ articles on Facebook without actually checking the facts. I can only assume that these people truly believe that you are a drunk IDIOT who sleeps with babies while smoking fags on a sofa made out of danger.

So after years of enduring a lot of co-sleeping-based ‘advice’, hysteria and ‘helpful’ observations, I have come up with a few responses guaranteed to shut these unsolicited advisors DOWN (and possibly make sure they never speak to you again because they think you’re a twisted weirdo).

Comebacks for co-sleepers

THEM: You really need to teach her to self-soothe or she’ll never get herself to sleep.      YOU: You are right! If I  do things for her that she can’t do because she is an actual baby, she might stay a baby forever.  I’m also thinking of leaving her lying on the carpet until she learns to ‘self-transport’ and keeping her in a shitty nappy until she learns to self-shit-wipe?  That way she’ll be totally self-sufficient by the time she is one-years-old! Actually forget that, I am pretty sure that self-soothing is bollocks.

THEM: Oh my god you let your baby sleep in the Marital Bed? But what about sex? How do you do the sex? Your marriage is doomed without the bed sex?
YOU: Oh it’s fine we just have sex with the baby there while shouting ‘this is how we made you, sweetie’. It’s a real turn on (too much?)

THEM: It is dangerous to share your bed with a baby – they could die!
YOU:  Yes but I like living on the edge. I suppose I could read all the safety guidelines, get rid of my bed of nails and co-sleep safely but what would be the fun in that?

THEM: If you feed your baby to sleep, you’ll always have to feed her to sleep.
YOU: Tell me about it. My poor old mum fed me to sleep when I was a baby, and now every night I’m on the phone; ‘mum can you bring me a sandwich?’ and she whizzes round and feeds me a ham roll until I drop off. Bless her.

THEM: If you cuddle or rock your baby to sleep, it’ll become their sleep crutch and you’ll have to rock or cuddle them to sleep forever.                                                                               

YOU: Oh, I don’t mind the cuddling and rocking but it’s performing the nightly satanic rituals that are a pain in the arse. We did them a few times to comfort her and  now she simply won’t settle until we’ve sacrificed a badger to the devil. The old ‘Four Bs’ Routine- bath, book, badger slaughter and bed is a nightmare.

THEM: She’ll grow up to be totally dependant on you if you cuddle her all night.         

YOU: Awww do you need a little cuddle?

THEM: If she gets used to sleeping with you she’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by herself’.
YOU: I carried my babies before they could walk. Later, I held their tiny hands to support them as they toddled unsteadily around the room. Then when they were ready to take their first steps, I was there to catch them if they fell. They weren’t scared because they knew I was there if they needed me. They can walk now and don’t need me to carry them any more.

I reckon it is the same with sleep. Babies need us to help them sleep because we make them feel safe. If they wake up scared and alone, they need to know we are there. To catch them when they fall. They need us to support them, until they can sleep alone.

If we carry them when they need us, one day they will fly. Or sleep. Preferably f**king sleep.

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

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Trying to look all professional and authory

Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!

So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!

So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.

Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear: 

1. Get drunk before you make your speech

I am crap at public speaking. So much so I went with my daughter’s advice which was ‘just say fart mummy, everyone laughs at farts.’   I also forgot the amazing First Book Launch Speech stuff I have been rehearsing in my mirror since I was about 9-years-old. I think the mistake I made was ‘trying not to drink too much’ beforehand in case I ended up looking like a drunken idiot. However, in hindsight, a drunken idiot would have been better than just an idiot.

2. Do not bring your kids or if you do, do not expect them to STFU during your speech

Kids do not give a crap about it being a very important day in your life and will STILL nag you for £1.50 for bloody Waterstones toys when you are attempting to make a speech. They will also scribble on your book and ask you to take them to the toilet every five minutes.

3. Invite bloody lovely people

As well as the family and friends I got to come along by promising them free booze, I was so pleased to meet a few actual sleep-deprived mums who follow me on Facebook.  They were just as funny and lovely as I had imagined them to be! I also met the gorgeous Beth from Little Dot Company who made my goody bags. She came along with some of her Sleep is for the Weak merch and she was so lovely most of my friends are now a bit in love with her now! And the awesome illustrator Lorna Cowley also came along to sign some books and bring an element of youthful cool to the event!

BUT the best thing about inviting bloody lovely people is that they helped to raise some money for Home-Start South Leicestershire!  Home-Start supported me through my dark days of postnatal depression and I just felt I wanted to give them (a very very little) something back.

So anyway, I did it. I hosted my first book launch. My dream came true. Ok, so in my actual ‘dream’ things went far more smoothly, I made a funny but poignant speech, the kids were angels and I was cool, calm and confident throughout…but what would have been the fun in that?

Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzzk to sleep is available on Amazon now!! 

Thank you to everyone who featured in the goody bags Nibbling UK, Nom Nom Kids, Little Dot, Freyda’s Pantry, Well Roasted Coffee and thanks to those who donated to the prize draw Two Birds Spirits, The Kitchen Range Cook Shop, Jojo Maman Bebe and Mums Back.

The post How to survive a book launch without swearing at your kids appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

Kiwi fruit or banana before bed because apparently they contain some magical sleep inducer. VERDICT: I may as well have given them speed.

Baby massage to relax and calm your little one into slumber .                                                 VERDICT: Baby oil + very lively baby = mess.

A jumperoo that we bought because our daughter once fell asleep after bouncing in the one at playgroup                                                                                                                                           VERDICT: Turned out to be a one -off event. A one-off event that cost us £80.

Patting their bum which supposedly emulates the mother’s heart beat and lulls the baby into dreamland.                                                                                                                   VERDICT:  This possibly works better if you have a baby who will actually LIE still and be patted.

Giving them a dream feed in the hope they will be full up and sleep for longer.                                  VERDICT: This did not go well. So imagine if you were fast asleep and someone woke you up by shoving a sandwich into your mouth. You’d be pretty pissed off, right?

Wean them off the night feeds because if there is no milk on offer they’ll stop waking up , right?  VERDICT: Wrong. This method assumes they are waking up because they are hungry. My babies just wanted to be awake – milk or no milk.

White noise because what could be more relaxing than the sound of the ocean waves.                    VERDICT: I would have to turn it up really loud to get the baby to hear it over her NOISE! Plus now every time I go to a beach I hear a baby screaming.

Bore them to sleep by explaining in great detail about what is is like to watch paint dry.   VERDICT: Unfortunately, my baby seemed  fascinated by this subject.

Mummy is here little one…

Make a replacement mummy so that when they start to doze off they will think you are there beside them. As my little one used to like to twiddle my hair I used my childhood Big Doll Samantha and sneakily replaced my hair for hers..

VERDICT: Yeah, yeah, OK. She is a bit terrifying. It would be safe to say the baby absolutely crapped herself.

Lick their ear lobes because someone on a Mumsnet thread swore by it and I had tried everything else and I was so tired and why the hell not and DON’T JUDGE ME.               VERDICT: Success. My baby drifted off into a peaceful snooze…Ok, this did not happen. This technique is bollocks. Obviously.

So I did not have any luck with any of these things but I have since discovered a few more unique methods that may be worth a bash. I wrote about them all over at Metro UK.. if you fancy a read.

I have also been writing about diets and talking about this Slimfast advert. WARNING: Once you have watched it you can never un-watch it.  Alexandra Burke and her breasts will be forever bobbing about in my mind. Anyway, I wrote it all down in  9 reasons not to go on a diet. 

 More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

Feel free to share your hot tips in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. 

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Sleep-training was not right for my babies but I do not judge people who have chosen to try this approach (except for the Leave Baby To Cry Herself To Sleep And If She Pukes That’ll Learn Her, people –I totally judge them). But every decision most parents make for their children, is made out of love – we are all just doing what we believe is best.

I let my daughter sleep in my bed because it was what she needed (ok, and because I was too bloody tired to get up every half an hour) – not because a study said it would make her into a happy, healthy genius. I chose this way because of my instincts not the science. Dealing with night wakings is such an emotional aspect of parenting – it is not something we can make a decision about based on (the often dubious) science. And as every baby and parent have different needs and personalities, unless the research was specifically carried out on your family, it is not going to be much help.

When I say ‘sleep’ in my bed…

Every baby is unique, every family set up is different and when it comes to sleeping – there is no once size fits all. But it is a fact that every child will sleep EVENTUALLY, no matter what. But until they do, avoid all the research by The Society Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Babies Actually Work and take a look at this handy check list instead!

SHOULD I SLEEP TRAIN MY BABY? 

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

“The saviour of the sleep deprived parent.”

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

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According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,

‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’

The ‘recommended hours’ being that in a 24 hour day, four to 12 month-year-olds should sleep 12 -16 hours,  one to four-year-olds should go down for 11 – 14 hours and three to five-year-olds should be packing away a whopping 10 – 13 hours of slumber!   While some babies may well sleep for this length of time – MANY just don’t, won’t and never will.

I struggle to see the point of these guidelines.  After all, we do not deliberately prevent our little ones from sleeping.  We don’t wake them up at 4am or spend THREE hours doing bedtime at night for fun!  We are not idiots. Most parents would love their offspring to sleep for 16 hours a night. But the fact is, if they don’t – (aside from drugging them) there is nothing we can do about it.

So surely, the only purpose these recommendations serve is to make parents of babies who do not sleep much feel like failures.  Not only this, but by including the Obligatory List Of All The Bad Things That Could Happen to Children If They Don’t Sleep Shit Loads, they are burdening families with a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

All human babies are different. Just like adults, some need more sleep than others. I would have thought that the academics at the guideline writing academies would be aware of this fact.

The only way these guidelines would be useful is if they provided a recipe for a magic potion that enables all babies sleep for the ‘correct’ number of hours every night.

In light of these ridiculous guidelines that are all over the media, Internet and baby books, The Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies has provided a more accurate guide for the academics and experts to include in their future studies:

*I would like to reassure anyone who is currently freaking out over these guidelines that BOTH of my children are happy and healthy despite never having slept anything even close to the ‘recommended’ amount of time.  

HOW MUCH YOUR BABY SHOULD REALLY SLEEP

0 – 1 MONTH

NAPS:   Enough to make you feel a little bit smug.

NIGHT: 0 – 12 hours (as long as you don’t put them down)

1 – 3 MONTHS

NAPS:   1- 3. But only in a moving car or on you.

NIGHT: Not much due to ALL THE DAMN FEEDING.

3 – 6 MONTHS

NAPS:   Occasionally, but only on you. (NOT SO SMUG NOW)

NIGHT: For as long as it takes for you to get into bed & close your eyes.

6 – 12 MONTHS

NAPS:   Unlikely.

NIGHT: Not very much. All the people who told you they would sleep when they are on solids are LIARS.

1 – 2 YEARS

NAPS:   Whatever. Are they even a thing?

NIGHT: Who f**king cares?

If you are currently baby-trapped under an obese, sociopathic, clumsy, idiot child firstly, NEVER CLICK ON ANY INTERNET PARENTING ARTICLE THAT HAS ‘RECOMMENDED GUIDELINES’ IN THE HEADING (it will end in tears) so feel free to read these things instead…

I also wrote about the perks to having a baby who does not go the f*ck to sleep over at Metro: 10 unexpected benefits to being a sleep deprived parent

My former sleepless baby (Sleep Thief #2)is now 4 and at school. She can read and everything so in your face American Academy of Sleep Medicine. This is my message to them

Or you could read this..

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post How much sleep does a baby really need? Real Life People With Actual Babies reveal the answer appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Then this is the method for you.

Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.

Get your baby Transfer Ready in just 28 easy steps.

1)Make sure baby is asleep not drowsy

2) Wait ten minutes

3) Wait another ten minutes

4) Check baby’s limbs are limp

5) Wait ten minutes

6) Double check limp limbs

7) THINK about putting baby in the cot

8) Realise you have missed ‘deep’ stage of sleep cycle

9) Spend ten minutes trying to work out sleep cycle timings

10) Slowly move towards the cot

11) Stand next to cot

12) Hold your breath ten minutes

13) Lower baby slowly into cot

14) Put baby down in cot ensuring your arm is under her. YOU MUST BE AT ONE WITH THE COT.

15) Wait ten minutes (or until you can no longer feel your arm

16) Slowly remove arm and place hand on top of baby

17) Spend ten minutes praying for baby to stay asleep

18) Remove hand from baby (replace with cuddly toy – optional)

19) Wait ten minutes

20) Take one small step away from cot

21) Wait ten minutes

22) Silently creep towards door. Make no sound. 

23) Wait ten minutes by the door

24) Open door 

25) Leave room and stand outside door for ten minutes

26) Peep at baby from doorway

27) Wait ten minutes

28) Slowly back away from the room. DON’T LOOK BACK. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT LOOKING BACK.

Congratulations! Your baby is now down for the night… well, possibly for long enough for you to pour a glass of wine. GO NOW, QUICKLY.

I have opened a NEW shop with lots of unique gifts for Sleep Thieves and their parents cafepress.co.uk/sleepthiefshop

Find out more about the first book ever written about babies and sleep to contain NO advice whatsoever here. Join me for a chat on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

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Whether you are looking to co-sleep with your baby, leave them to cry or have some fun with Ferberization  –  there really a method for everyone.

To help you decide how best to train your offspring, here is a comprehensive guide to some of the most popular sleep techniques (that probably won’t work):

1) The Extinction Method (also known as Cry It Out)

If your baby is unable to ‘self –soothe’ she/he will turn into an obese sociopath who still needs you and your wrinkly granny breasts at 40. Therefore, it is best to teach your child to be self sufficient from day one. Simply kiss them goodnight and leave their room. As long as they are fed, dry and provided with spare nappies and a few snacks there is no reason why they cannot be left alone for days at a time.

2) Controlled crying

This method is perfect for parents who prefer their babies to cry in manageable bite size chunks.  Instead of leaving your baby to scream continuously, pop into their room at regular intervals throughout the night to show them what they are missing. However, do not pick them up, touch them or even look at them. Simply tell them to ‘go back to sleep’ – ideally in the voice of Alan Rickman, and then leave the room.

3) No-cry solution

This method  is perfect for the parent who wants to sleep train their baby and get fit at the same time. The idea is to spend the entire night picking up, putting down, picking up, putting down, picking up, putting down, picking up and putting down your baby until you pass out.

4) Gradual retreat  into madness

A technique that puts the fun into bedtime! Spend entire nights playing ‘How Many Millimetres Will I Make It Away From The Cot Before The Baby Loses Her Shit’ while dicking around in the dark on your smartphone.

5) Co-sleeping   

Simply lie down next to your baby and pretend to be asleep while they poke you, pull your hair and climb on your head. After two  to four hours they will fall into a deep slumber on top of you or across the entire bed. To ensure that they stay asleep for longer than 20 minutes, you must lie completely still. Breathing, sneezing, coughing and thinking about putting them down should be avoided.

6) Reluctant co-sleeping   

Similar to co-sleeping but for people who are really, definitely, seriously not going to let their baby sleep in their bed EVER…until 4am when they have been up all night and they no longer give a shit about the stupid rod. They are cold, tired and need to stay in bed for longer then 30 minutes at a damn time, so declare SOD IT, SHE CAN SLEEP IN OUR BED.

                                                     Co-No Sleeping

7) Get Your Baby To Sleep By Whatever Means Necessary 

This is a popular technique used by parents of babies who are particularly adverse to sleep. Instead of adhering to one particular method, you do whatever the hell it takes (with the exception of drugs, alcohol and Gina Ford) to get your baby to fall asleep.

8) Magical sleep makers   

Research shows that 100% of babies wake up at night because they are wondering ‘where the f*ck is my womb? After spending most of their life inside a female human, sleeping alone in the actual world can be as scary as shit. Fortunately, there is a thriving baby sleep industry ready to help take advantage of tired parents with these night wakings. For just many pounds you can purchase a Magical Sleep Maker in the form of a book, toy, app, cot, consultation or sheep that imitates a women’s internal organs, all of which promise to lull your child into a peaceful slumber.

9) The Only Totally Fail Proof Baby Sleep Method In The World  

This method is for those babies who spit in the eye of sleep training. With a 100% success rate, the G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P method guarantees to get any baby to sleep…eventually.  This revolutionary technique, devised by the Institute Of Real Life People With Actual Babies, uses a unique combination of common sense, sleep crutches and maternal/paternal instincts. The full version is available here.

*IMPORTANT NOTE FOR HUMAN PARENTS*

Before embarking on any sleep-training method is it essential that parents remember a few keys points (and stock up on coffee and wine).

a) If sleep training your baby feels wrong. Don’t do it.

b) If you are sleep training your baby because all the other mums at playgroup are doing it. Then don’t do it.

C) If you are sleep training your baby because a book said you SHOULD be and you think that the book expert knows better than you because they wrote an actual book about babies and you only have a frigging English and drama degree, then don’t do it. YOU are the only expert on your baby.

d) If you are sleep training your baby because everyone else’s babies sleep through the night, then don’t do it. All babies are different (and everyone else is a liar).

e) If you are only training your baby because you are scared that he will suffer mentally or physically if he does not sleep through the night, then don’t do it. Babies have been waking up in the night since babies were invented and the world isn’t full of half-brained sickly weirdo freaks.

f) If you are sleep training your baby because you feel that you can’t cope and it feels right for you and your family, then try it.

g) THE most important thing….

Having a baby who does not like to sleep much (aka A Sleep Thief) is tough. The half hourly wakings, 4am pyjamas parties, entire nights without ANY sleep, no evenings to yourself, no time with your partner, short showers while baby screams, mostly in your pyjamas, vomit in your hair, you can’t remember whether you cleaned your teeth, cold coffee, physically sick with exhaustion, forgetting to eat, self doubt, tears, anxiety, feeling like a rubbish mum for always feeling tired. Having to take care of a tiny baby while looking and feeling like a zombie. Basically, you feel like crap A LOT. So if you try a sleep training ‘method’ and give up after a few days, an hour or even five minutes then it is totally understandable! You have NOT Failed. If you try one way, then another way, but your baby STILL won’t sleep then you have NOT failed. It is just not the right way or the right time for you or your baby.

However, the good news is that things will get easier. One day you will be up, dressed, getting on with it and drinking a tepid coffee. You will smile at your happy, healthy child and realise that you got this. Your baby has trained you NOT to sleep through the night successfully.

WHAT WORKED FOR YOU:

‘The Extinction method worked brilliantly! We put our baby down three months ago and he has slept ever since! ‘  – Mr and Mrs Tumble, new parents

 ‘We found Magical Sleep makers were the right option for us after spending just £6,000 on a real life womb we found on Ebay.’  -Mrs M Pig, Mummy-of-two

‘G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P was by far the best technique we have ever tried. So easy you can do it with your eyes closed, which is handy because I can’t remember how to open mine. Just two years in and the twins are sleeping through night!’  -Mrs J Odell, Mum-of- twins

Find out how I got my baby to sleep through the night in just 2.5 years here or join me for a chat on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

 More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

The post 8 sleep training methods that probably won’t work (and one that definitely will). appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

‘I can’t do this any more,’

I wipe the sweat from my brow and fight back the tears.  There isn’t much time. I need to do this now. I hear them approaching me from behind.

‘Please’  I beg. ‘Please leave me alone. Don’t do this.’

Someone grabs at my legs while someone else attacks me with a small blunt object.

I pick up the knife.

‘MUMMY, IS DINNER READY YET?’ My children scream at me for the tenth time since I entered the kitchen THREE minutes ago.

I give them a biscuit and they retreat to the lounge to watch CBeebies. I know I don’t have much time so I hastily begin to peel the potatoes.

You heard me right. Potatoes. Not Waffles or Smiley Faces but actual real life potatoes. You see, I have decided to make a Delicious Homemade Family Dinner but five minutes in and my stress levels are  already teetering on ABOUT TO SWEAR.

I try to be a good mum.

I remain relatively calm when the kids wake me up at 3am to ask me really important stuff like ‘what is my chin for?’

I don’t get too angry when my daughter takes three years to eat a slice of toast like it is f**king caviar or something.

I manage not to swear when someone puts frigging cheerios in my coffee.

I count to ten, take deep breaths and smile through many of the daily challenges of parenthood.

But not at dinnertime (aka witching hour ). At dinner time I really struggle not to lose my shit.

Not only because my beloved offspring turn into dicks at this time of the day but also because I have been taking care of little people all day on barely any sleep and I am on my last legs. Last legs that now have to stand up and prepare something vaguely edible while being screamed at, nagged, climbed up and bombarded with requests for drinks, biscuits and Peppa Pigging Pig.

‘MUMMY!’

I try to ignore them and continue to peel the potatoes.

‘MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMY!” My time is up. They. Are. Here.

Maybe I could take my potatoes and hide. I could peel them in the bathroom. I could lock the door and do it in the bath. Take wine. Make an night of it.

The toddler shouts the baby cries. Louder now.

‘Can I have a potato? I want a potato. Can I have one NOW MUMMY PLEASE?’

I take a deep breath and try to count to ten.

One, two..

‘I need a wee. I want the blue cup. Tell her I had it first, Mummy. TELL HER!’

‘More Peppa Pig please? PEPPA PEPPA. Can I have a biscuit?’

Three, four, five…

‘I NEED A POTATO!!’ ‘CAN I HAVE A POTATO MUMMY?’

Six, seven….

‘Mummy, carry me! Want a carry.’

Eight….

Small hands grab at the potatoes, even smaller hands clutch my ankles.

Nine…

The kitchen is filled with noise and chaos. Screaming, crying, shouting.. They are pulling at me, climbing up me, moaning at me…

Breathe, breathe… I must go to my happy place. Think about wine…think about wine…

‘I don’t like mashed potatoes!’ whines my daughter. The same daughter who specifically asked me to make her mashed potatoes. The daughter who I have seen eating mashed potatoes on several occasions with a big sodding smile on her face! Why would she say this to me now IF NOT TO MESS WITH MY MIND? This is the last straw.

I throw them out of the window. THE POTATOES (not the kids). One by one. My shit is officially lost.

Then I put the knife in the sink and leave the room. I need to breathe. I need to calm down. But most of all, I need to MOTHER F*CKING SWEAR.

I go into the bathroom, close the door, flush the chain to mask the swears and have a word with myself.

I could just make potato waffles and fish fingers. They never let me down. What I fool I was to stray from my little frozen friends! Who do I think I am attempting to mash potatoes and cook non-breaded fish? Nigella bloody Lawson? I even bought a lemon for goodness sake.

NO! I am doing this. If I don’t cook the Delicious Homemade Family Dinner I’ll be playing right into their tiny hands. That is what they want. They want to break me so I’ll give them food they actually like.

Well, tough tits tots, this dinner is happening.

I leave the bathroom and retrieve my potatoes from the front garden. I CAN DO THIS, I think to myself (as I pour a glass of wine). Captain Birdseye can go to hell.

Three Octonauts, two biscuits and six tantrums later, my home cooked feast is complete.

I am NIGELLA. I am Supermum. I am…maybe a teeny, tiny bit tipsy.

‘Girls! Dinner’s ready!’ I shout cheerfully, admiring my fine cuisine.

No response.

‘GIRLS! Can you come for dinner please?’

Nothing.

‘GIRLS. IT IS DINNERTIME!!’

Still nothing.

‘I SAID. DINNER IS READY! DINNER. DINNER. whispers For fuck’s sake, DINNER!’

Twenty minutes later we are finally at the table. Hot steaming plates of Homemade Nutritious Deliciousness in front of us.

‘I need a wee mummy!” Says the toddler. Of course she does. Every time.

We are back at the table.

“Just going for a wee.’ The four-year-old runs off.

“I want wee wee too mummy!” The toddler yells.

“You have JUST had one! Now please, please let’s eat our dinner.”

Four-year-old returns to the table and notices she has the ‘wrong’ fork. I replace it. The toddler decides she wants her sister’s fork.  Cue arguments and tears. FOR FORK’S SAKE!

“RIGHT!” I am feeling desperate. “If you eat all your dinner you can have ice-cream.”

They do not eat.

“Two ice creams and a biscuit?”

Still they do not eat.

“You can have all the ice cream in the freezer and 200 biscuits and I’ll take you to the soft play centre tomorrow. You can have anything you want JUST PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD EAT YOUR DINNER!”

STILL they do not bloody eat.

‘Ok, just eat half of your dinner and then you can leave the table…No. Ok, three spoonfuls? Just three little spoonfuls for mummy?’

‘Two spoonfuls?’

“Alright, just one spoonful?’

They poke at their mash.

‘One pea? I will settle for one single pea. ONE…..No? Half a pea?  How about you just lick the pea? For mummy. You can do that, right? JUST LICK THE STUPID PEA AND THIS WILL ALL BE OVER.’

I angrily lick my peas to illustrate my point. The kids are apparently not the only ones who turn into dicks at dinner time.

This is no longer about getting them to eat a nutritious meal – this is about the principle! I must stand firm on this. I am the grown up and they should do as I say.

But I am exhausted. Grown up-ing is a lot of effort.

‘Fine, leave it.’ I sigh, defeated.

I leave the table and don’t look back (at least until I hear the familiar sound of toddler wee trickling down the highchair).

So there you have it. Dinner time turns me into a dick.  I am not proud of it. I wish I could be one of those lovely Annabel Karmel types who blend stuff and bake cakes.

But  as I discovered the hard way, when you become a mum you don’t suddenly turn into Nigella Lawson.

If you were great in the kitchen before you had children then chances are you excel at dinner time! But if you were  crap at cooking, then chances are, you probably turn into a bit of a dick.

Dinner time (In my naive pre-parent head )

As much as we want to be perfect parents to our offspring 24 hours a day we just can’t. We get tired, stressed, overwhelmed and irritated.

We all have our weaknesses because we are only human and humans are not perfect. But we also have our strengths.

Dinner time may be my Achilles heel but night wakings do not phase me (much). Who knows, maybe Nigella loses her shit at bed time? Or, Karmel gets a bit sweary on the school run.

When it comes to parenting, we are all just one step away from losing our shit. But that is ok.

We don’t have to be the best. We just have to try our best.  And if at first we don’t succeed..sack it off and have a glass of wine.

You can read my Guide to Mummy Forums here…if you like…

Or Real True Facts about Dinnertime/Witching Hour here

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever.

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

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The post A Sleep-Deprived Mother’s Guide To Dinnertime appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

So half term is OVER which mean I get to moan about the school run again. Roll on tomorrow’s Stressfest that is getting a 4-year-old and toddler up, dressed and out of the door before 9am. I am planning on trying a few new excuses for being late this term:

Reason for lateness: I gave my daughter the pink bowl

Reason for lateness: Toddlers are arseholes

Reason for lateness: I was messing around on Facebook and didn’t realise the time

Or, I could make a plan to really, definitely TRY not to be late this term..the same plan I make at the start of every term. The same plan that never quite works out because, well, see reasons above.

So, while I enjoy my last night of the school holiday, here is some stuff to read for those of you who are under a baby, feeding a baby or just too DAMN TIRED to do anything other than dick about on your phone.

1) This good news…

Babies wake up at night. They are famous for it.  After all, they have spent most of their life inside a human woman so waking up in the real world alone has got to be pretty scary. So they cry out for us, once, twice or SIXTEEN TIMES A BLOODY NIGHT. And it is tough on us parents. Really tough. Deep down we KNOW it will pass. We know they will grow out of it and we know it is just temporary, but it doesn’t make it feel any easier when you are in the thick of it.  Everyone around you is banging on about when and how babies should be sleeping through the night. The Internet is telling us we will become obese, get heart disease and probably DIE.  So our tired brains convince us we MUST do something, we must get this sleep ‘problem sorted’. But the thing is. Babies waking up at night is not actually a sleep ‘problem’ – it is totally normal behaviour. Look, I know what you are thinking:

‘I AM SO TIRED I CAN’T REMEMBER WHEN I LAST CLEANED MY TEETH AND I AM PRETTY SURE I JUST HALLUCINATED UNLESS MY BABY ACTUALLY DOES HAVE TRVEOR MCDONALD’S HEAD. I NEED MY CHILD TO GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP.’

So you panic, buy all the books, order Sean the Shitting Sheep and attempt one of those training methods that ‘guarantee to get your baby to sleep in just SEVEN days’.   But two hours into the ‘revolutionary technique and you are crying, the baby is crying and Sean The Sheep is in the bin. Not only do you now feel like a horrible mother for leaving your child to cry for like, ten minutes, but you also feel like a failure for not sticking to the method.

Yes, it is tough. BUT, what if I told you that your baby will sleep through the night (eventually) without any training whatsoever? Don’t take my word for it. Take Darcia’s. She has a flipping PHD and everything.  This is her (actually useful) advice Avoid Stressful Sleep Training and Get the Sleep You Need.

Alternatively, you could try this method I came up with myself. It really and truly ‘guarantees to get your baby to sleep in just SEVEN days (or eventually)’.

2) This weirdness…

So, you can buy a perfume that smells like Play-Doh.  PLAY DOH.  But the weirdest thing is that it has 93 FIVE STAR reviews on Amazon. Including, this one from BG. Taliercioon.

“This stuff smells very close to the actual smell of play-doh. At first it doesn’t even resemble the fragrance, but once it settles you’ll be quite amazed at how much it does the trick !”

And this guy – Matthew Johnson is in love…

“Brings back memories of childhood. I guess it would be weird to sniff play-doh all day as an adult. Luckily with this cologne, I don’t have to. I can just sit and bask in my own personal scent.”

But L J was not so keen..

“this stuff smells NOTHING like play doh and is in fact, disgusting.”

3) This book…

YOU CHOOSE

If you have more than one child and you want to start World War III – this book is perfect.

Apparently, they both can’t choose the same thing…

This is a great book and the kids love choosing where they would live, what they would eat, do, play and be… but DO NOT read it to them at bed time. Trust me on this one, people.

4) This tweet…

The secret to never yelling at your kids is to always have a stranger at your house doing some sort of repair work.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 18, 2016

5) These reasons why babies wake up at night (probably)

Are they hungry, thirsty, cold, scared or just being dicks?

6) This brilliant article that is not what you think..

“Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me. Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.” A great read for the night feed.

7) This Sleep Thief Shop

I have opened an online shop! The Sleep Thief Shop features unique gifts is for tired parents (or anyone who loves sleep and mugs).  It also has Sleep Thief Baby wear, thermos mugs, pyjamas, T-Shirts, Phone cases and bags.. So as it is MOTHER’S DAY on March 6th. Check it out and treat yourself – or send link to your kids/partner! Delivers to UK and worldwide!

Feel free to comment below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below. 

Good night, Sleep tight…or sleep loose or just bloody sleep however you can..

The post Baby-Trapped: Edition #4 appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.