How Babies Actually Work



Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s lush womby palace kind of takes some getting used to.. Continue reading

Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift


Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news….

This General Election campaign is almost over!!

2) And the bad news…

We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.

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How to survive a book launch without swearing at your kids

Trying to look all professional and authory

Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!

So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!

So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.

Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear:  Continue reading

Tired Mum Versus Google…

TIRED MUM: Dear Google, can you die from sleep deprivation?

GOOGLE: In the 1980s, a researcher named Allan Rechtschaffen conducted a series of ground-breaking experiments on rats who died. After 32 days of total sleep deprivation, all the rats were dead.’

TIRED MUM: But what about humans? Google, what are the effects of sleep-deprivation on humans?

GOOGLE: Regular poor sleep puts you at risk of various conditions, including depression, heart disease and diabetes – and it shortens your life expectancy.

TIRED MUM: Oh god!

GOOGLE: Oh and it might make you obese.

TIRED MUM: Anything else?

GOOGLE: Hallucinations, possible brain damage…

TIRED MUM:  OK, ok stop. I don’t want to hear anymore. So what can I do? I can stop this, right? Google, how can I prevent the effects of sleep deprivation?

GOOGLE: Get some sleep.

TIRED MUM: But I have a baby!

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How to quit mornings with kids

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading

The Break Up

“We need to talk.” I said. “There is no easy way to say this but I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I have changed and I don’t need you any more.”

“You can’t do this,” You replied. “You need me. You’ll always need me.”

“Not any more.” I explained. “I met you at difficult time and you made my life better. You helped me find my way back to the person I was before things got tough.  But I no longer need you.”

“You’ll be back,” You muttered and I turned and walked away. Continue reading

Five Minutes’ Peace: TheUncut Version

THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole.

Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.

Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday. 

She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door.

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Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point. And while some children drift off to dreamland fairly easily, others, however, just do not.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

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The Real Night Before Christmas

It was the night before Christmas and all through the house,

No one was sleeping..because, IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE AND THEY NEVER BLOODY DO.

On the night before Christmas, so it is said,

Children should nestle, snug in their beds.

On the night before Christmas, so I have heard

No one should be stirring or saying a word…

On the night before Christmas, so they say,

Mummy gets a winter’s nap at the end of the day.


Well, I call CRAP. There is no nap.

Just tidying up and presents to wrap.

Then children telling countless lies

About why they can’t close their eyes,

“Mummy, mummy I can’t go to bed.

 There’s sugarplums dancing in my head.”


On the night before Christmas, finally I’m in bed

With the Mr Tumble song stuck in my head.

When all I once I heard such a clatter,

I ran into the hall to see what was the matter.


Is it too late to ask him to bring a pet?

Does he do dogs? Or perhaps a cat?

Can you ring him now and ask him that?”


On the night before Christmas, kids back in bed

Once again, I lay down my heavy head.

When all at once I heard an almighty crash

So out of my bedroom I flew like a flash.

“FOR F**KS SAKE,” I whisper. “WHAT IS WRONG?”

“Mummy, will Santa be very long?

Because I really need a poo,

Will Santa come while I’m on the loo?”


On the night before Christmas, I need some sleep!

Back into my bed I wearily creep,

Then just as my eyes begin to close

Out on the lawn a noise arose.

“What now”’ I cry and to the window I dash,

I open the curtain and throw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes did appear?

Actual Father Christmas and his reindeer!


On the night before Christmas, I saw St Nick!

Or is sleep-deprivation playing a trick?

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

He whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Excuse me,” I yelled at the man in red.

“But I’ve just got my children back into bed,

I know you have to deliver all those toys

But do have to make so much bloody noise?”


On the night before Christmas, I watched in glee

As Santa put presents under the tree

“Excuse me,” I call over to the jolly old elf,

“Could I please get a photo of you and myself?”

A quick selfie later Santa nodded his head.

And I knew it was time to go back to bed.


Up the chimney he rose, than sprang to his sleigh

Where his reindeers were ready to fly him away.

Then I heard him whisper as he flew out of sight

“Happy Christmas to you, may you get sleep tonight!”


Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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The Internet is awash with ‘research’ that shows sleep training is bad for our babies. However, there is also an abundance of ‘research; suggesting that NOT sleep training is bad for our babies. (The research is usually taken from studies of 4 babies, 2 kangaroo cubs and a tadpole so it is almost always definitely accurate). So when it comes to baby sleep, what bullshit advice are we supposed to follow? Continue reading