EVERY week another celebrity mum is pictured ‘stepping out’ looking fabulous just three months/weeks/days/hours after giving birth…
I am never surprised by this ‘news’.
I am usually more surprised that, with a newborn to look after, they have the energy to ‘step out’ anywhere, looking anything other than like crap.
Do they all have nannies? Probably. If I was a celebrity new mum I would definitely have a nanny … and servants … and, possibly, a wet nurse (if this is still a thing).
But in view of the fact that I am not a celebrity, I would like to request to the media that they do NOT bombard us with countless guides to Getting a Post Baby Body like A Pop star/Princess/Anyone Thin Who Was Once On X Factor, as part of their ongoing campaign to turn us into an image-obsessed, size zero society. Because, and I think I speak for a lot of new mothers when I say, we don’t actually give a toss.
We are far too busy worrying about everything else.
How do I take a shower when the baby won’t let me put her down?
Or, will I actually die if I go another night without sleep?
And, is my baby feeding enough, too much, too often, not often enough?
Not to mention wondering whether every rash, spot, cough or sneeze is meningitis.
When I had just given birth, the last thing on my mind was ‘how will I ever squeeze into my skinny jeans again?’ It was more like; ‘will I ever have time to get dressed again’?
Pre-parenthood I was determined not to become one of those cliché tired, scruffy new mums wearing vomit-stained clothes and ‘comfortable’ shoes.
And I didn’t.
I was far worse that that. If I managed to get into any clothes, vomit stained or otherwise, it was really quite an achievement. But the worst thing was, I didn’t even care.
A few years later I get dressed most days…but the first question I still ask myself when I look in the wardrobe (ok, rifle through my washing basket) in the morning is NEVER ‘does my bum look big in this?’ but ‘can I get away with wearing this outfit again?’ It is normally a toss up between the snot-covered leggings or jeans with a chocolate fingerprint and possible wee stain. As a general rule of thumb, ‘if it’s not poo, it’ll do’.
These days I am far from ‘stepping out looking fabulous’ but it still doesn’t bother me at all. I may have rubbish hair and bags under my eyes, but with two young children to take care of, I am just grateful if I manage to step out of the bloody front door with everyone in one piece.
However, if you are looking to get back into your skinny jeans – then help is at hand. I can confirm that you CAN actually lose your baby weight without even trying or caring.
Here is my simple effort-free guide:
1, Give birth to a baby. An actual human being has just left your body. That is most of the weight shifted right there.
2, Forget the gym. Once you have had your baby any excess fat will soon drop off because you will never sit down again. Lounging on the settee will become a rare luxury as will getting stuck in traffic and sitting on the toilet.
3, Sleep is for wimps. Remember those crazy days when you would go to bed at night and lie down asleep for a good eight hours straight? Burning no calories what so ever? Those days are behind you. Now nocturnal parenting is the new gym. Work out to include getting up, picking up baby (the heavier the better), standing, swaying, walking the floor at least ten times a night.
4, Weight-lifting. From the moment you give birth you will be carrying stuff and/or a baby 24 hours a day. To achieve maximum results invest in a large car seat, super pram/travel system/cot/shopping basket, deluxe changing bag/mat and a baby who refuses to be put down.
5, Diet. Life with a newborn guarantees that most days you will not have time to eat. You will put toast in the toaster, pour cereal into a bowl or half make a sandwich but never get around to consuming it. Even on the days you do have some time, you’ll be too tired to chew, let alone cook. Dinner will become a tricky business because babies hate you eating. They are perfectly happy in their bouncer until the moment you pick up your fork. Then your smiling bundle of joy becomes a screaming monster demanding you put the damn food down and feed them instead.
6, Breastfeed to get the calories literally sucked out of you.
7, Formula feed to burn calories while making countless trips to sterilise and make up bottles using only one hand.
8, It will happen. Unless you sit around eating lard and cake all day, every day it is very likely that your body will go back to its original shape and size. For some it may take weeks or months, for others it might take years but it WILL happen. In the meantime, be proud. Your body made a human baby. That is beautiful. You are beautiful. Beauty is in your eyes when you smile at your baby. Motherhood is the new black, people! So save your stress for the stuff that matters and pour yourself a large glass of wine!
Do you care about your ‘baby weight’? Feel free to comment below! Join me and an awesome community of exhausted parents on Facebook for a moan and a laugh or subscribe for more useless updates below!