Sleep Is For The Weak is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night…
This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully.
I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.
When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading
“We need to talk.” I said. “There is no easy way to say this but I am breaking up with you. It’s not you, it’s me. I have changed and I don’t need you any more.”
“You can’t do this,” You replied. “You need me. You’ll always need me.”
“Not any more.” I explained. “I met you at difficult time and you made my life better. You gave me back my confidence and helped me find my way back to the person I was before things got tough. You brought me happiness and calm and I will always be grateful. But I no longer need you.”
“You’ll be back,” You muttered and I turned and walked away. Continue reading
THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole.
Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.
Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday.
She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door.
When you feel really strongly about something so you plan to write an intelligent, strongly worded article that will CHANGE THE WORLD but…..this happens…
There once was a woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children; she didn’t know what to do
Why did she live in a shoe you may say?
Because rent for a house she could not pay,
She ‘just managed’ to put food on the table
Perhaps broth with bread, when she was able. Continue reading
The Internet is great for parents. Not only can you find information on ALL THE STUFF, there are an abundance of chat forums, Facebook groups and websites where you might just find your ‘virtual village’.
However, there are a few people who just have to ruin it for everyone…
I was sat at my desk trying to write funny words for money when I heard the news…
‘Terrorist drives through crowds celebrating Bastille Day in Nice. Lorry speeds for 2km, killing 84 people – including 10 children. Witnesses say driver zigzagged to kill as many victims as possible…’
I listened to the rest of the story with tears in my eyes. Continue reading
Thanks to the Internet we now have parenting tips available to us 24 hours a day!
While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.
One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.
Do not sleep or eat for at least three days.
Ensure you are extremely hormonal.
Now you are ready to take on the biggest challenge of your life. Continue reading