Surviving Parenthood

An alternative guide to getting your kids to go the f**k to sleep in a heatwave

Emily-Jane Leave a comment

WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather.

Parents.  Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night.

As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.

But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.

Here is the only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it’s really bloody hot

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Sleep Is For The Weak: The Book

Emily-Jane Leave a comment

Sleep Is For The Weak  is for anyone who has ever been kept awake by a baby…night, after night, after night…

This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully.

sleep is for the weak book

I am not going to lie.

This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.

In fact, it won’t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.

But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night without punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to  a travelling circus.

It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies. Continue reading →

How to quit mornings with kids

Emily-Jane Leave a comment

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’. Continue reading →

Five Minutes’ Peace: TheUncut Version

Emily-Jane Leave a comment

THE children were having breakfast. This was not a pleasant sight. In fact, the kitchen was a complete shit hole.

Cereal was being thrown on the floor, a fight had just broken out over a spoon and the little one was screaming because she had the ‘wrong’ bowl.

Mrs Large was about to lose her shit. She took a tray from the cupboard and set it with a mug, the kid’s leftover toast, a packet of mini cheddars and half a bottle of wine from yesterday. 

She stuffed her smartphone into her pocket and sneaked off towards the door.

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The Woman Who Was ‘Just About Managing’ In A Shoe

Emily-Jane 2 Comments

When you feel really strongly about something so you plan to write an intelligent, strongly worded article that will CHANGE THE WORLD but…..this happens…

screen-shot-2016-11-24-at-14-31-55

There once was a woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children; she didn’t know what to do
Why did she live in a shoe you may say?
Because rent for a house she could not pay,
She ‘just managed’ to put food on the table
Perhaps broth with bread, when she was able. Continue reading →

How NOT to be a dick on the Internet (when you are a parent)

Emily-Jane 2 Comments

dontbeadickThe Internet is great for parents. Not only can you find information on ALL THE STUFF, there are an abundance of chat forums, Facebook groups and websites where you might just find your ‘virtual village’.

However, there are a few people who just have to ruin it for everyone…

The Dicks.

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This is why I should not watch the news

Emily-Jane 3 Comments

20160702_133131I was sat at my desk trying to write funny words for money when I heard the news…

‘Terrorist drives through crowds celebrating Bastille Day in Nice. Lorry speeds for 2km, killing 84 people – including 10 children. Witnesses say driver zigzagged to kill as many victims as possible…’

I listened to the rest of the story with tears in my eyes. Continue reading →

The pointless sleep advice parents are sick of hearing

Emily-Jane 2 Comments

The Institute Of Real Life People With Actual BabiesThanks to the Internet we now have parenting tips available to us 24 hours a day!

While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.

One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.

For example:

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Helping Sleep-Deprived Parents Take Over the World (or at Least Make it to the Supermarket)

Emily-Jane 11 Comments

stsHave you forgotten what it is like to sleep for an entire night?

Do you hate 4am? Why do babies often refuse to go back to sleep at 4am?

Do you regularly Google ‘can you die from lack of sleep?’ ‘Why the hell is my baby still awake?’ or ‘why won’t my baby stay asleep?’ Continue reading →