A bit about this newsletter….

1) Why are you writing a newsletter instead of  sleeping or drinking a nice glass of wine?

To share news in the form of a letter with you. Mostly because no one in my house gives a shit about my news. They only care about snacks and going to the fucking park. Of course, there is a big chance that you don’t give a shit either. And you’ll get so bored reading this that you click on a Google Ad just to get away from me, in which case you just made me 0.000001p which was all part of my plan, SUCKER!

2) What will be IN this newsletter?

On a good day I’ll share the important stuff I have been writing like this investigative piece about  a mysterious condition my children develop as soon as I switch off their light and say goodnight – you can check it out here ↓

Kid perfectly fit and well all day has 6,000 ailments at bedtime

And also this piece about my current bag situation…link below ↓

Woman’s handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles

I might even tell you about things i wrote that will be on the actual TV like this:

OR, on a bad day I might just email you a shopping list or a picture of my left foot.

There’ll also be some AMAZING  poetry like this….

SHIT
Sometimes
it’s ok to lose your shit
because if you keep your shit
you’ll end up full of shit
and you’ll explode
and there’d be shit everywhere
A shit storm
And nobody wants that.
– Emily-Jane Clark

— Emily-Jane Clark (@EmilyJaneClark) August 27, 2019

I might also talk a bit about sleep and kids because that is probably how some of you got here. Although, my kids go to sleep now (so that’s the Sleep is for the Weak sequel down the drain) I still have a little bed crasher but let’s gloss over that. BUT I ‘m still TIRED . Mostly because I lie awake thinking about all the stuff like this

3) Is this entire newsletter just going to be about this newsletter?

of course not. In fact, it’s about to get really exciting.

4) The exciting bit

I am doing a NEW newsletter!  (sorry).

5) In other news..

A lot of people have messaged me asking whether I am writing another book. The answer is YES but it won’t be about sleep  because as I may have mentioned my bastard kids have started sleeping now. I suppose i could have another baby…but I am way too tired and busy and just really don’t want another baby.   I am currently working as a comedy writer (or writer of bollocks for money as I call it) for various places including The Daily Mash and Mash Report (NEW series starts in September by the way) in between writing a novel for early readers (because I promised my kids I would write something with NO swearing in it) and a non-fiction book full of all the random poetry, dialogue and nonsense I scribbled in my diary during the first few years of parenthood  …AND a sitcom so you see, definitely no TIME to have a baby for my art…

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A post shared by Emily-Jane Clark (@emilyjane.clark)

And that’s about it for now!  Thanks for reading or fucking off to read all about that amazing mattress you saw on Google ads.

PS: My FIVE STAR (go me!) rated book Sleep Is For The Weak- which is an antithesis to baby sleep advice – is available on Amazon right now..

The post Breaking news for bored or broken people appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?

First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.

Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.

Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with  ‘self soothing’  and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.

Finally, there are the ‘Scaremongerering Shitheads’, who spout a load shit at you about the hazards of co-sleeping and keep tagging you on ‘READ THIS OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE’ articles on Facebook without actually checking the facts. I can only assume that these people truly believe that you are a drunk IDIOT who sleeps with babies while smoking fags on a sofa made out of danger.

So after years of enduring a lot of co-sleeping-based ‘advice’, hysteria and ‘helpful’ observations, I have come up with a few responses guaranteed to shut these unsolicited advisors DOWN (and possibly make sure they never speak to you again because they think you’re a twisted weirdo).

Comebacks for co-sleepers

THEM: You really need to teach her to self-soothe or she’ll never get herself to sleep.      YOU: You are right! If I  do things for her that she can’t do because she is an actual baby, she might stay a baby forever.  I’m also thinking of leaving her lying on the carpet until she learns to ‘self-transport’ and keeping her in a shitty nappy until she learns to self-shit-wipe?  That way she’ll be totally self-sufficient by the time she is one-years-old! Actually forget that, I am pretty sure that self-soothing is bollocks.

THEM: Oh my god you let your baby sleep in the Marital Bed? But what about sex? How do you do the sex? Your marriage is doomed without the bed sex?
YOU: Oh it’s fine we just have sex with the baby there while shouting ‘this is how we made you, sweetie’. It’s a real turn on (too much?)

THEM: It is dangerous to share your bed with a baby – they could die!
YOU:  Yes but I like living on the edge. I suppose I could read all the safety guidelines, get rid of my bed of nails and co-sleep safely but what would be the fun in that?

THEM: If you feed your baby to sleep, you’ll always have to feed her to sleep.
YOU: Tell me about it. My poor old mum fed me to sleep when I was a baby, and now every night I’m on the phone; ‘mum can you bring me a sandwich?’ and she whizzes round and feeds me a ham roll until I drop off. Bless her.

THEM: If you cuddle or rock your baby to sleep, it’ll become their sleep crutch and you’ll have to rock or cuddle them to sleep forever.                                                                               

YOU: Oh, I don’t mind the cuddling and rocking but it’s performing the nightly satanic rituals that are a pain in the arse. We did them a few times to comfort her and  now she simply won’t settle until we’ve sacrificed a badger to the devil. The old ‘Four Bs’ Routine- bath, book, badger slaughter and bed is a nightmare.

THEM: She’ll grow up to be totally dependant on you if you cuddle her all night.         

YOU: Awww do you need a little cuddle?

THEM: If she gets used to sleeping with you she’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by herself’.
YOU: I carried my babies before they could walk. Later, I held their tiny hands to support them as they toddled unsteadily around the room. Then when they were ready to take their first steps, I was there to catch them if they fell. They weren’t scared because they knew I was there if they needed me. They can walk now and don’t need me to carry them any more.

I reckon it is the same with sleep. Babies need us to help them sleep because we make them feel safe. If they wake up scared and alone, they need to know we are there. To catch them when they fall. They need us to support them, until they can sleep alone.

If we carry them when they need us, one day they will fly. Or sleep. Preferably f**king sleep.

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post Handy Comebacks For Co-Sleepers appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather.

Parents.  Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night.

As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.

But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.

Here is the only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it’s really bloody hot

1) Read all the Internet articles about how to get your kids to sleep in a heatwave that basically tell you to use thinner sheets and open the f**king windows like WE NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT.

2) Spend three million years trying to block every single last piece of sunlight from your child’s bedroom window like a manic vampire only for them to outsmart you by turning their bedside lamp on.

3) Get your children a nice cup of cold water …and throw it in their whingeing little faces.

4) Move to Iceland. The country or the supermarket depending on your budget.

5) Put your child in a cool bath and…that’s it. Walk away.

6) Get a fan for your children’s bedroom so they can get their hair caught in it or stick a body part in it and then cry for two hours.

7) Try to wear your kids out by running around outside until you all pass out with heatstroke.   

8) Repeatedly tell them ‘go to sleep or you’ll be tired tomorrow’ even though in the history of bedtime that line has never made a child fall asleep.

9. Wonder if you are a bad parent when your kid tries to cuddle and you are all like ‘IT’S TOO HOT FOR BODY CONTACT GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN”

10) Open the window. Shout, ‘I’m too hot for this shit’, jump out and run away until Autumn.

READ MORE ABOUT: Barbecues in my hard hitting article for Daily Mash MAN COOKS MEAT AT BBQ BUT DOES SOD ALL ELSE.

OR BEDTIMES ON HOLIDAY: In my Holiday Bedtime Diaries (basically don’t even bother)

THE BOOK

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post An alternative guide to getting your kids to go the f**k to sleep in a heatwave appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks.

And all those warning about not letting a baby sleep in your bed or they’ll have to sleep with you for the rest of their life. Along with the stuff about how creating a sleep crutch for your baby will  condemn them to HELL?

All total bollocks.

‘THEY’ lied to me and they are lying to you too.

My kids are five and six-years-old now and I don’t ever feed them to sleep, they can self settle and as far as I can tell they are not gremlins.

They are happy and healthy DESPITE never sleeping fuckteen hours a night when they were babies.

What’s more, now this may blow your mind, but I fed my youngest to sleep until she was two and a half and these days she walks and talks and goes to school like a normal kid!

Then there’s my six-year-old who once upon a time would ONLY sleep on me? Well, last night she asked me to stop singing a lullaby (I was nailing it by the way) because she wanted to read.

And it is not just my children.  I know hundreds of people who’s offspring sleep perfectly fine despite never, ever going down drowsy but awake when they were infants.

I wish someone had told me that ‘they’ were full of bollocks when I had babies. I wasted so much time and money desperately trying to get my babies to sleep like the Bollockmongers told me they should sleep.

I would have still been knackered but I wouldn’t have been so bloody stressed!

If only I had trusted my instincts over the expert advice, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a failure who was rubbish at babies. Because now I look at my bright, funny, clever and well-rested kids and I KNOW for a fact I did nothing wrong.

My youngest daughter still climbs into my bed during the night but these days I don’t care what ‘They’ say. In fact, I don’t even know what They say because I stopped listening to their bollocks a long time ago.  I just know that when she grows out of it – which she WILL- I’ll miss those twilight cuddles.

I regret believing the bollocks. I regret trying so hard NOT to let my firstborn sleep in my bed. I’ll always regret throwing out my comfy old dressing gown BUT I’ll never regret letting my children sleep with me, settling them to sleep or letting them snooze on my chest.

So, parents. Next time someone tries to tell you what you should be doing with your child, just nod, smile, mutter ‘bollocks’ under your breath and walk away.

Read some of my bollocks.. So I do this now. Writing important stuff  about internet dicks and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site Daily Mash and for TV’s Mash Report which included this viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

The post It’s all a load of bollocks appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

You’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet  ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this:

EMILYJANE

I am so tired. My baby is six months old and still wakes up all night every night. Does anyone know how to get a baby to sleep?

MummaFucker:

I feel your pain. @EMILYJANE I haven’t slept for a bloody week!!

TiredMummy:

A week! I haven’t slept since 1984.

SuperMummy:

You lot don’t know the meaning of the word tired! I’m a single mum with one leg, I work three jobs,  I have 68 kids under 3 AND I am gluten intolerant. You ladies need to Mum up! 

SmugMum:

I hate to tell you this but my baby has slept through from six days old. Sorry not sorry

MummaFucker:

I hate to tell you this @SmugMum but fuck off.

FordMum:

Are you still breastfeeding? If so, your baby is probably waking up for breast. Try weaning her.

MummaNuture:

Try breastfeeding. Breast is best!   I feed mine two at a time. 

MummyMia:

Excuse me, but I am not a bad mother just because I don’t breastfeed @MummaNuture?

MummaNuture:

That’s not what I said! No judgment here mamma. It is your body, your choice. BUT.. it is a fact that breastmilk gives babies superpowers and stuff. Just saying.  

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

FYI, it is also a fact that wine and coffee is best for tired mothers.

FordMum:

We switched to organic unicorn tears and our baby sleeps like a dream.

FunnyMummy:

We switched to gin and my baby does too.

CrazyMammy:

OT but here is a picture of Tom Hardy! You’re welcome.

OT but here is a pic of Tom Hardy.

MumzInBusiness:

Have you tried Sleepy baby pillow spray? I am a certified sleepy baby pillow spray seller. I can do you a good deal? I will DM you the info.

YummyMummy: 

Oh you need to do something, hun. Babies are meant to be sleeping 12 hours a night at that age. Have you tried putting her down drowsy but awake?

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @YummyMummy

 FordMum:

Do you know that babies who don’t sleep the recommended amount are more likely to be diabetic, insecure, depressed and fat, really fat.

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @FordMum

MummyMia:

Will you stop telling people to f*** off it is not appropriate @MummaFucker. I have reported to admin.

YummyMummy:

Perhaps he is teething? Or hungry? Or eating his teeth?

MotherDear:

Leave him to cry it out. I left my baby to cry three days ago and he is still asleep.

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OT but does anyone know what this rash could be ↓

YummyMummy:

@ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie   I am not a doctor but it looks like it could be cancer.

MummaNuture:

You should Co-Sleep @EmilyJane. Co-sleeping is the best thing you can do for your baby.

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t co-sleep don’t love their babies?

YummyMummy:

Do NOT co-sleep or your baby will die! 

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OH MY GOD CANCER!??

CatMum:

I feel your pain @EMILYJANE I don’t have baby but my cat woke me up purring last night.

TiredMummy:

That is not the same! Why on earth are you on this forum if you aren’t a mum???

CatMum: 

I am a cat mum. Same thing.

MummaFucker:

Errr do you feed it with your body?  Do you have to wipe shit off it’s tiny anus?  UNLESS YOU DO IT IS NOT THE SAME. FUCK OFF!

MUMMY1981:

Admin! ↑

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

 I Googled it and it is not cancer!! Thanks so much for your support though that difficult time.

 ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney:

You need to stop rocking or feeding your baby (or cat) to sleep. They have to learn to self settle or they will always need you to rock or feed them to sleep.  Two words. Rod. Back. www.ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney.com

CrazyMummy:

OT but I think I am pregnant but not sure!! Can you see a pink line???

OhArhMam:

You’re not alone @EmilyJane. I’m so tired I’m considering shoving the baby back up my vagina so I can take a nap.

FunnyMummy:

Great idea. Would you go with head or feet first?

OhArhMam:

Probably head? Although, I’d probably need some kind of lube.

MummaNuture:

 Coconut oil?

MummyMia:

OMG! THIS THREAD! You cannot put a baby back! That would be abuse.  ADMIN you need to get in here.

LoveMyKids:

You lot should be grateful you have babies. Cherish every moment, ladies. Think of all those poor childless people out there without babies who just go to bed and sleep all night long. 

MummaFucker:

Lucky bastards. Can I cherish their moments?

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

After my cancer scare I am cherishing every second.

YummyMummy:

Go to the GP ASAP. There could be something seriously wrong with your baby. Have you tried a cranial osteopath? 

FordMum:

You need to sleep train your baby.  It worked wonders for us. Now my baby sits and stays whenever I tell her too.

YummyMummy:

Have you tried sticking to a consistent bedtime routine?

MummaFucker:

Message deleted by Admin. Please refer to the guidelines

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t sleep train are evil baby hating scum @FordMum?

OhArrhMam:

Talking about being tired – my OH is being a right dick. He just said HE was tired. Like, hello?

FunnyMummy:

Tell me about it. My partner spends at least an hour taking a shit, like he’s fucking royalty or something.

OhArrhMam:

What I wouldn’t give to shit for a whole hour. Oh do you think Kate Middleton gets to shit for that long? 

FunnyMummy: 

She probably has a special nanny for it. A shit nanny. Do you think it is possibly to nap while having a shit.

LoveMyKids:

I never shit. I don’t want to miss any of those precious moments with my baby.

EmilyJane:

SO what you are all saying is, I need to co-sleep and sleep train my baby while leaving her to cry for the rest of her life while drinking wine and coffee.

And that I should breastfeed with a bottle of unicorn tears while rocking her to sleep drowsy but awake? Then I should make a rod and put her to sleep while doing a  shit at the cranial osteopaths? Perfect. Thanks ladies.

READ MORE: The real reason your baby is awake?  Baby Spends Entire day Hatching Plan To Fuck Up Bedtime

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

[jetpack_subscription_form

The post A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums  appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”

What I am trying to say is that being born is no picnic. So when you are done cooing and wooing about this amazing thing you just made with your body, please spare a thought for your newborn.

This tiny human has gone from living an extremely sheltered life to being exposed to a zillion strange sounds and smells and giant humans getting right up in their faces and squeezing their adorably chubby cheeks.

Speaking as someone who left the womb not too long ago I can tell you that in those early days we feel vulnerable, confused and as quite frankly, scared as shit. And it’s not like we can call the Samaritans or Google ‘are baby-eating bears a thing?’ We got to work it all out for ourselves.

Put me down and you will regret it

The only thing we know is mummy (FYI, mummies, you look a lot better from the outside).  We recognise her smell, her voice, her spirit and her heart beat.

She is the only familiar thing in Outside of Womb and the only person who can make a newborn feel truly safe.

Who is the daddy?

I imagine right now some of you idiots are thinking  ‘ooh but what about daddies? Surely, they make their offspring feel safe too? Who wrote this sexist bumshit?’

So let me explain. I love daddy. He rocks. But back in those early days, not so much. You have got to understand. I had no idea who the hell he was.

He was just a stranger who kept taking me off mummy then staring at me with his big hairy face.

This is all newborns know about daddies:

a) They get stuff for mummy.

b) They take us from mummy.

c) We haven’t lived inside them.

So the reason we often cry when daddies pick us up is because at this point they are just  Wombless Baby Stealers! Look, it is nothing personal – it is just that newborns rarely trust  someone they haven’t seen the inside of.

Conclusion

What new babies actually need:

1) Peace and quiet to adapt to Outside World

2) To get to know Mummy from the outside

3) Time to work out whether to trust the Hairy Wombless Baby Stealer

4) Milk

What new parents actually need:

1) Sleep

So don’t be an idiot. You have just made a baby with your body. You are learning how to be a family.  You and your baby are tired and overwhelmed.

GO HOME.

Don’t try and do all the stuff. Forget the laundry. Forget about tidying up. Forget about getting dressed if necessary. None of this stuff matters now. All the matters is your baby because she is the boss of you now. Forever. Get used to it.

Forget the  arseholes friends and family who want to come and visit you and your bundle of joy before you have even had a chance to push the placenta out.

Be still, be quiet, be together and take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.

Good luck! Join me next week for Lesson 3:   Embracing Parenthood: kissing goodbye to nights out, sex, sleep, clean hair and other things that distract you from your new baby

You can also read part 1 of this series right here…

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..

The post A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Dear Children.

I am writing to inform you that I am taking a leave of absence from Mornings.

When I agreed to manage Mornings With Kids, I assumed that you would do as I say because you are children and I am a grown up and therefore, I AM THE BOSS. I envisaged spending breakfast time sitting around a table laden with fresh fruit, where you would eat your food in less than SIX MILLION hours and I would smile and sip on hot freshly ground coffee in my stain-free dressing gown. I had also anticipated that you would understand the meaning of ‘hurry up’ and would actually give a shit about ‘being late for school’.

However, it seems once again I was wrong and my expectations were a far cry from the reality of actually getting two small children up and ready for pre-school and school.

In fact, I soon discovered that the stress actually starts while you are still asleep. You see, if I am going to have a fighting chance of getting everyone in this house ready I have to get myself ready – which means, I NEED COFFEE. And I don’t mean the triple reheated kind accompanied by Nag and Whine. I mean a mug of hot caffeiney silence before the chaos begins. So I nervously sneak out of bed and tip toe into the kitchen and make a coffee like a fucking ninja. Then I sit down to watch the morning news like a normal person. Which is the exact moment when YOU my beloved children decide to CRASH MY NICE QUIET PARTY.

“Mummy, can I have a biscuit? Mummy, can you wipe my bum? Mummy, can I have a drink? Mummy, can I have the moon on a frigging stick?”

“It is too early for anything.” I tell you. “Go back to bed. You are not welcome here!” But you ignore my cries and instead this starts….

“CBEEBIES! CAN WE WATCH CBEEBIES?”

It is bad enough I have to listen to your annoying shouty child voices pre-coffee but there is NO WAY am I going to put up with Postman Pat too, so I stand firm.

“It is too early for Cbeebies. I am watching the news. You can watch CBeebies in a minute.”

Three seconds later

“CAN I WATCH CBEEBIES?”

“In a minute!”

Two seconds later

“CAN I WATCH CBEEBIES?”

‘No!”

Another second later

“CBEEBIES? CBEEBIES CBEEBIES”

”A minute is sixty seconds that was not even two seconds!”

“ONE, TWO, THREE FOUR, FIVE , SIX, SEVEN, SIXTY! CBEEBIES, NOW?”

“No they are dead. CBeebies are dead. All of them. Dead.”

At this point my darlings, you proceed to make so much noise I can’t hear the bloody news, which is of course, all part of your evil plan.

“FINE. WATCH CBEEBIES!” I tell you turning the TV over. “But if there is a bomb and we all die because we didn’t watch the news people telling us to vacate the area– do not blame me!”

“BOMBS! LET’S PLAY BOMBS!” cue more loudness

So I am forced to neck my cold coffee to the sound of ‘bombs’ and the Furchester theme tune before embarking on a daily game I like to call ‘SHOUT THINGS AT KIDS WHILE THEY IGNORE ME.’

“What do you want for breakfast? What do you want for breakfast? What do you want? BREAKFAST? WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. BLOODY. BREAKFAST?” For fucks sake it is not a difficult question??

“Come and get dressed, come and get dressed, come and get dressed! Fine we’ll go to school naked! Is that what you want? Is it? Fine. We will. COME AND GET DRESSED!”

“But you said we can go to school naked!” You whine. FFS.

“No, we can’t go to the park or the soft play or to Esme’s house or to Buckingham Palace! WHY? Because it may have ESCAPED YOUR NOTICE BUT WE ARE GOING TO BLOODY SCHOOL YOU DICKHEADS!”

“Clean your teeth, clean your teeth, clean your teeth. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.”

“HURRY UP, HURRY UP, HURRY UP, HURRY UP. WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE.”

“CLOTHES, TEETH, SHOES, COAT, HURRY UP! CLOTHES, TEETH, SHOES, COAT, HURRY UP” X 1000

In addition to all this, I was not pre-warned that the Morning Routine would also include a half hour long Get Your Pants On Chase, followed by a 20 minute Socks On Run and several bouts of the Toothbrush Into Mouth Wrestle.

I hope you understand my decision to take a break from what has turned out to be a very stressful job. If you have any questions on Mornings, feel free to get in touch but I will ignore you because well, I don’t care. There are clothes in the wardrobe, food in the cupboards and toothbrushes in the bathroom. I wish you luck for the future and I will be back once I am feeling less stabby.

Yours regretfully,

Mummy xxx

Feel free to share your morning stories in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. Find out more about the first book ever written about babies and sleep to contain no advice whatsoever over here. OUT IN MAY!!!! 

PS: Letting my daughter ‘do it herself’ in the morning (coat zip, car seat, put milk on her cereal) is one parenting lesson i learnt the hard way! I wrote about the others in the Metro this week

PARENTING LESSONS I LEARNT THE HARD WAY 

I also wrote about libraries because I just LOVE a library. This is why.. 

The post How to quit mornings with kids appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

Kiwi fruit or banana before bed because apparently they contain some magical sleep inducer. VERDICT: I may as well have given them speed.

Baby massage to relax and calm your little one into slumber .                                                 VERDICT: Baby oil + very lively baby = mess.

A jumperoo that we bought because our daughter once fell asleep after bouncing in the one at playgroup                                                                                                                                           VERDICT: Turned out to be a one -off event. A one-off event that cost us £80.

Patting their bum which supposedly emulates the mother’s heart beat and lulls the baby into dreamland.                                                                                                                   VERDICT:  This possibly works better if you have a baby who will actually LIE still and be patted.

Giving them a dream feed in the hope they will be full up and sleep for longer.                                  VERDICT: This did not go well. So imagine if you were fast asleep and someone woke you up by shoving a sandwich into your mouth. You’d be pretty pissed off, right?

Wean them off the night feeds because if there is no milk on offer they’ll stop waking up , right?  VERDICT: Wrong. This method assumes they are waking up because they are hungry. My babies just wanted to be awake – milk or no milk.

White noise because what could be more relaxing than the sound of the ocean waves.                    VERDICT: I would have to turn it up really loud to get the baby to hear it over her NOISE! Plus now every time I go to a beach I hear a baby screaming.

Bore them to sleep by explaining in great detail about what is is like to watch paint dry.   VERDICT: Unfortunately, my baby seemed  fascinated by this subject.

Mummy is here little one…

Make a replacement mummy so that when they start to doze off they will think you are there beside them. As my little one used to like to twiddle my hair I used my childhood Big Doll Samantha and sneakily replaced my hair for hers..

VERDICT: Yeah, yeah, OK. She is a bit terrifying. It would be safe to say the baby absolutely crapped herself.

Lick their ear lobes because someone on a Mumsnet thread swore by it and I had tried everything else and I was so tired and why the hell not and DON’T JUDGE ME.               VERDICT: Success. My baby drifted off into a peaceful snooze…Ok, this did not happen. This technique is bollocks. Obviously.

So I did not have any luck with any of these things but I have since discovered a few more unique methods that may be worth a bash. I wrote about them all over at Metro UK.. if you fancy a read.

I have also been writing about diets and talking about this Slimfast advert. WARNING: Once you have watched it you can never un-watch it.  Alexandra Burke and her breasts will be forever bobbing about in my mind. Anyway, I wrote it all down in  9 reasons not to go on a diet. 

 More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

Feel free to share your hot tips in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. 

The post Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

While we might occasionally stumble across some helpful advice, most of it is either totally useless or appears to assume that parents are idiots.

One area in which there is an abundance of guidance from ‘experts’ is how to get a baby to sleep.

For example:

1.Sleep when the baby sleeps

This is all well and good IF YOUR BABY SLEEPS! If she/he doesn’t, then your best option is ‘drink shit loads of coffee while the baby doesn’t sleep’.

2. Put your baby down drowsy but awake

This is great advice; if you want to really PISS OFF your baby. After spending most of their life inside a female human, it is not surprising that many babies hate being put down in a cot.

If this applies to your child, Put Your Baby Down Practically Comatose Or Not At All is far better advice.

3. Establish a consistent bedtime routine

‘Ah, so that is where I’ve been going wrong! Some days I put my baby to bed after breakfast, other days, halfway through dinner and occasionally I don’t put her to bed at all!’ – Said no Parent ever!

You can read the full article about all the other pointless pieces of advice  I have come across over at Metro UK!

If you are trapped under a baby and looking for something else to read I also wrote a small rant about all the everyday things that GIVE ME THE RAGE and a HANDY GUIDE TO AVOID SWEARING IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. 

Feel free to join me on Facebook along with other sleep-deprived parents because misery loves company! 

The post The pointless sleep advice parents are sick of hearing appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Then this is the method for you.

Following new research that 99% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks, The Institute of Real Life People with Actual Babies has launched a comprehensive guide to putting a sleeping infant into a cot.

Get your baby Transfer Ready in just 28 easy steps.

1)Make sure baby is asleep not drowsy

2) Wait ten minutes

3) Wait another ten minutes

4) Check baby’s limbs are limp

5) Wait ten minutes

6) Double check limp limbs

7) THINK about putting baby in the cot

8) Realise you have missed ‘deep’ stage of sleep cycle

9) Spend ten minutes trying to work out sleep cycle timings

10) Slowly move towards the cot

11) Stand next to cot

12) Hold your breath ten minutes

13) Lower baby slowly into cot

14) Put baby down in cot ensuring your arm is under her. YOU MUST BE AT ONE WITH THE COT.

15) Wait ten minutes (or until you can no longer feel your arm

16) Slowly remove arm and place hand on top of baby

17) Spend ten minutes praying for baby to stay asleep

18) Remove hand from baby (replace with cuddly toy – optional)

19) Wait ten minutes

20) Take one small step away from cot

21) Wait ten minutes

22) Silently creep towards door. Make no sound. 

23) Wait ten minutes by the door

24) Open door 

25) Leave room and stand outside door for ten minutes

26) Peep at baby from doorway

27) Wait ten minutes

28) Slowly back away from the room. DON’T LOOK BACK. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT LOOKING BACK.

Congratulations! Your baby is now down for the night… well, possibly for long enough for you to pour a glass of wine. GO NOW, QUICKLY.

I have opened a NEW shop with lots of unique gifts for Sleep Thieves and their parents cafepress.co.uk/sleepthiefshop

Find out more about the first book ever written about babies and sleep to contain NO advice whatsoever here. Join me for a chat on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post How to put a baby in a cot (without losing your shit) appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.