PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks.

And all those warning about not letting a baby sleep in your bed or they’ll have to sleep with you for the rest of their life. Along with the stuff about how creating a sleep crutch for your baby will  condemn them to HELL?

All total bollocks.

‘THEY’ lied to me and they are lying to you too.

My kids are five and six-years-old now and I don’t ever feed them to sleep, they can self settle and as far as I can tell they are not gremlins.

They are happy and healthy DESPITE never sleeping fuckteen hours a night when they were babies.

What’s more, now this may blow your mind, but I fed my youngest to sleep until she was two and a half and these days she walks and talks and goes to school like a normal kid!

Then there’s my six-year-old who once upon a time would ONLY sleep on me? Well, last night she asked me to stop singing a lullaby (I was nailing it by the way) because she wanted to read.

And it is not just my children.  I know hundreds of people who’s offspring sleep perfectly fine despite never, ever going down drowsy but awake when they were infants.

I wish someone had told me that ‘they’ were full of bollocks when I had babies. I wasted so much time and money desperately trying to get my babies to sleep like the Bollockmongers told me they should sleep.

I would have still been knackered but I wouldn’t have been so bloody stressed!

If only I had trusted my instincts over the expert advice, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a failure who was rubbish at babies. Because now I look at my bright, funny, clever and well-rested kids and I KNOW for a fact I did nothing wrong.

My youngest daughter still climbs into my bed during the night but these days I don’t care what ‘They’ say. In fact, I don’t even know what They say because I stopped listening to their bollocks a long time ago.  I just know that when she grows out of it – which she WILL- I’ll miss those twilight cuddles.

I regret believing the bollocks. I regret trying so hard NOT to let my firstborn sleep in my bed. I’ll always regret throwing out my comfy old dressing gown BUT I’ll never regret letting my children sleep with me, settling them to sleep or letting them snooze on my chest.

So, parents. Next time someone tries to tell you what you should be doing with your child, just nod, smile, mutter ‘bollocks’ under your breath and walk away.

Read some of my bollocks.. So I do this now. Writing important stuff  about internet dicks and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site Daily Mash and for TV’s Mash Report which included this viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

The post It’s all a load of bollocks appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

They are also symptoms of depression.

This coupled with the fact that depression can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion can make you feel low is why so many cases of postnatal depression go undiagnosed.

The mother often believes she is just totally and utterly shattered and that she’d be fine if she could JUST GET SOME BLOODY SLEEP!

I was that mother.

I felt awful after I had my first baby but as she woke up at least every half an hour during the night,  I was convinced I was just really bloody tired.

I was bound to feel low, living on so little sleep, right?

People kept telling me I just ‘needed a good night’s rest’, but the thing was, even after I had managed to get some rest, I still felt exhausted, anxious and depressed.

By the time I was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND), I was really unwell and I wished I had got help sooner.

When I had my second baby, I was sleep-deprived but fortunately, I did not have PND.

With two daughters under two I was still exhausted, anxious and depressed but it wasn’t as all-consuming and I could see beyond it. I didn’t feel so hopeless.

Although some traits of PND and sleep-deprivation are similar –  my healthy mind and my unwell mind responded to those symptoms in very different ways.

Every single case of PND is very different, but this is how I could tell the difference:

PND VS SLEEP DEPRIVATION

PND: I can’t sleep. Even when the baby is actually asleep.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: The baby is asleep so I can sleep

PND: I still feel tired even when I have slept.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I feel so much better after a good night’s sleep. My baby is not sleeping because she’s a baby and it’s what they do

PND: My baby is not sleeping at night because I am a crap mother.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: My baby isn’t sleeping at night because she is a baby and it is what they do.

PND: I am struggling with motherhood because I am a weak person.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I am struggling with motherhood because I am really bloody knackered. But I’m only human.

PND: I can’t cope any more.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I can’t cope until I have had coffee. Then it will be hard but I will cope. Just like I did yesterday and the day before that.

PND: I hate myself.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I hate being sleep-deprived.

PND: Everything is shit and it will be forever.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: Sleep-deprivation is shit, but it will pass.

PND: I am a failure.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION: I am exhausted. Motherhood is tough. Newborns are hard work.

It’s possible you’ve had stitches in your lady bits, you have piles and you haven’t slept. Plus, there’s those raging hormones to deal with.

So it is inevitable you will not be happy all of the time.

But this doesn’t mean you are NOT happy to have a beautiful baby. It means you are human and humans do get tired, stressed and overwhelmed. It is completely normal.

However, if it does NOT pass, if you are sleeping yet still feel rubbish, if you constantly feel hopeless, low, numb or fearful for the future then talk to your GP or health visitor.

THE BOOK:  There is also a whole chapter on this in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How To survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The Fzzk To sleep. Hardback  copy on Amazon right now!

The post Sleep-Deprivation VS PND: Depressed or tired? appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s lush womby palace kind of takes some getting used to..

Ok, sure, sometimes we are teething, have wind, reflux or feel a bit peckish but a lot of the time we wake up because we don’t want to be asleep. We want to see mummy and daddy to check they’re still alive and stuff.

So next time your baby wakes up at night (sleep is for the weak) consider these things:

Teething…

Parents love to blame stuff on teething. My mummy often tells people I am teething when really I am just being a dick.

If I were actually teething the amount of times she says I am teething I would have 6,908 teeth. I have four. You do the maths.

So when I wake up at night – Daddy and Mummy often spend hours having the ‘is she teething’ discussion. And then they wonder why they’re tired in the morning! Idiots!

Hunger…

Many parents often believe that milk is key to getting a baby to sleep. While it is key to getting us to shut the fuck up it might not necessarily make us fall asleep.

Therefore, in the hope we’ll be SO full up we will sleep all night long, they feed us loads all day, before bedtime, during bedtime, do a ‘dream feed’ (which is a bit like someone sticking a sandwich in your face when you are having a nap – awful).

However, the only way to guarantee milk will make us sleep is to slip some whisky in it. (Calm down,  it was a joke..)

Separation Anxiety….

Parents often believe that babies cry at night because they need to be with them 24 hours a day. (Bless) But sometimes we are just bored shitless. It’s not like we can read a book or go clubbing Crying is all we got.

And the only people who can provide company or a slither of entertainment during the twilight hours are our grown ups.

So we stick our bottom lip out, hold our arms up and scream and we get a grown up to play with in no time.

Don’t be an idiot…

Right, I’m just going to say it. Parents. Are. Idiots.

For example, this one night I woke up at 4am.

It was dark, I was alone, a bit scared and I really fancied a cuddle (hey, I am a baby for god’s sake). So I did a little cry, all confident Mummy or Daddy would come and deliver a hug and make me feel better.

But… They. Did. Not. Come.

I kid you not, people. Lots of time passed, then lots more time but there was still no sign of my parents. So then I started getting upset for real.

What if they have gone forever? I thought. What if they are DEAD? What if they have run away?

By this time I was actually hysterical. Well, wouldn’t you be? As far as I was concerned, I was now an orphan who was going to be trapped in a cot prison forever, drenched in my own faeces and urine. The nappy rash alone would be hell.

Thankfully, a few seconds later my parents burst into my room looking like hell! I think Mummy had been crying.

Oh man, what’s happened to them? I thought. It must be something bad, really bad.

Then her and daddy started shouting at each other. Daddy was saying something about mummy ‘making a rod for her own back’. (Which if you ask me, sounds like a really weird thing to be doing at 4am. What is a back rod anyway? Grown ups are odd).

Anyway, then they start saying it is all their fault that I don’t sleep through the night because they always comfort me when I wake up.

BUT I WAKE UP BECAUSE I NEED COMFORT! I want to yell at them but I can’t on account of being a baby so I have to go with WAAAAAAH instead.

A quick memo about night wakings for idiot parents

Where was I? Oh right, so at this point things got really heated.

Mummy starts saying something about someone called Gina Fucking Ford while Daddy looks at his handheld information finder thingy.

“Here,” he announced triumphantly.  “Google says babies should be taught to Self Soothe and what’s more, they should always be put down in their cot when they are drowsy but awake.”

I have no idea who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.

So then Daddy started doing this really strange thing where he would give me a lovely snuggly cuddle but just as I got all comfy and drowsy, he’d pull me off him and place me in the cold, dark cot prison. Then he’d look all surprised when I screamed my head off. Like, I am the weirdo!

He does this about five times until it is actually time for my feed so mummy gives me some milk and he goes back to bed muttering something about ‘ME keeping HIM up all night’

ME? That’s rich. I just wanted a little cuddle and they bring all this shit to my door.

CONCLUSION

Parents, do not be idiots. Give your baby what he wants. Even if what he wants is just you.  It is not like it will last forever or even for very long. Just until he realises that Outside The Womb is not as scary as shit after all.

I have written a book How Babies Actually Work (mummy helped a little bit) if you are a publisher or agent and would like to see the proposal then drop me a line!   Check out Lesson Number 2: A Baby’s Guide to leaving the Womb and Lesson 3: A Baby’s Guide To Dealing with arsehole visitors

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news….

This General Election campaign is almost over!!

2) And the bad news…

We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.

I have to confess, I don’t know a great deal about politics. It is a pretty feeble excuse but but as a mum of two small children, juggling work and ALL the laundry,  I don’t have a lot of time to watch the political debates and even when I do, the dulcet tones of Andrew Marr and Jeremy Paxman are often drowned out by small people shouting at each other about who had what toy first.

So, most of my of my political knowledge comes from BBC breakfast, online newspapers, radio  (Yep I am that old) and articles shared on my Facebook Newsfeed.

However, this is not to say I don’t CARE about politics. I care about creating a safer and more secure future for my children.

I am passionate about making this country a great and fair place to live for EVERYONE, whether you are rich, poor, black, white, disabled, mentally ill, male, female, British, non-British, gay or straight.

I would like a Government who cares about the ‘ordinary’ people. A leader who will make education, healthcare, mental health and family welfare a priority. A party who will put our children first because they are the future.

I want a Prime Minister who will run this country with kindness.

Somebody strong, but also kind, clever and fair. A cross between JK Rowling, Russell Brand and Adele, perhaps? Now, Jeremy Corbyn may not be exactly that but he is the closest thing we have to it at the moment so I voted Labour.  Anyway, that’s my very mild political rant done…

3) My Sleep Thief Survivor Story…

Four years, two babies, six million sleepless nights and thousands of cups of coffee and I am  getting some sleep. Ok, so Mumsomnia can be pretty crappy,  bedtime is still a bit of a battle and my youngest Sleep Thief always ends up in my bed BUT- seriously, this is BLISS compared to the old days. So anyway, you can read about what happened when I polished my turd of tiredness over at Metro.

4) This night feed read…

The One by John Marrs

This brilliantly entertaining book asks the question, “How far would you go to find the ONE?”

In this story, one simple mouth swab and a quick DNA test and you can find your perfect partner – the one you’re genetically made for. And for just £10 you can have their contact details!
This tells the story of five people who meet their match but with shocking consequences.

I loved this book because it made me wonder whether I would take the test? What if i did and the ‘Match’ was not my husband?  I still can’t decide? Would you?

5) This thing i am worried about…

I have been really struggling to write funny stuff  after all the sad and tragic terror attacks.

It got me thinking about my daughters and being torn between wanting to keep them safe and wanting them to live, full and exciting lives.

So I wrote this with tears in my eyes..

6) This blog…

Mummy’s Perfect World takes gives us a glimpse into the life of Sally – wannabe top blogger and a perfect mum of two young children, who has a devoted husband and a constant drive to be exceptional in everything she does. She’s basically a bit of a dick.  But her blog, in which she covers all the big issues like ‘where is all the hummus?’ and ‘Tinder for Tots’  is comedy gold.

7) This You Tube channel

Kaneing – Russell Kane’s series of hilarious rants about everything from politics to Kanye West’s bum hole is my new favourite procrastination.

7) Wineglasses that fit in your pocket are a thing…

These silicone  glasses that slip into your pocket will certainly make getting a bit pissed on park play dates a tempting option…

9) This Netflix show…

We are currently addicted to Master of None – the Emmy-Award winning Netflix show by comedian Aziz Ansari and his co-writer Alan Yang.  Ansari plays Dev, a 30 year-old actor, living in New York City. All the characters are really funny and unique and you will find yourself invested in them all by episode two. I have written this description three times but I can’t seem to sum it up without making it sounds rubbish. Just trust me  – it is brilliantly witty, clever and really very sweet.

10) And finally this….  

A Tried and tested method from  Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZK to sleep – you can now read a few sample pages on Amazon..

Feel free to join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more Baby-Trapped and other stuff like this using the form below.. 

Good night, Sleep tight…or just bloody sleep however you can..

The post Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Trying to look all professional and authory

Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!

So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!

So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.

Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear: 

1. Get drunk before you make your speech

I am crap at public speaking. So much so I went with my daughter’s advice which was ‘just say fart mummy, everyone laughs at farts.’   I also forgot the amazing First Book Launch Speech stuff I have been rehearsing in my mirror since I was about 9-years-old. I think the mistake I made was ‘trying not to drink too much’ beforehand in case I ended up looking like a drunken idiot. However, in hindsight, a drunken idiot would have been better than just an idiot.

2. Do not bring your kids or if you do, do not expect them to STFU during your speech

Kids do not give a crap about it being a very important day in your life and will STILL nag you for £1.50 for bloody Waterstones toys when you are attempting to make a speech. They will also scribble on your book and ask you to take them to the toilet every five minutes.

3. Invite bloody lovely people

As well as the family and friends I got to come along by promising them free booze, I was so pleased to meet a few actual sleep-deprived mums who follow me on Facebook.  They were just as funny and lovely as I had imagined them to be! I also met the gorgeous Beth from Little Dot Company who made my goody bags. She came along with some of her Sleep is for the Weak merch and she was so lovely most of my friends are now a bit in love with her now! And the awesome illustrator Lorna Cowley also came along to sign some books and bring an element of youthful cool to the event!

BUT the best thing about inviting bloody lovely people is that they helped to raise some money for Home-Start South Leicestershire!  Home-Start supported me through my dark days of postnatal depression and I just felt I wanted to give them (a very very little) something back.

So anyway, I did it. I hosted my first book launch. My dream came true. Ok, so in my actual ‘dream’ things went far more smoothly, I made a funny but poignant speech, the kids were angels and I was cool, calm and confident throughout…but what would have been the fun in that?

Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzzk to sleep is available on Amazon now!! 

Thank you to everyone who featured in the goody bags Nibbling UK, Nom Nom Kids, Little Dot, Freyda’s Pantry, Well Roasted Coffee and thanks to those who donated to the prize draw Two Birds Spirits, The Kitchen Range Cook Shop, Jojo Maman Bebe and Mums Back.

The post How to survive a book launch without swearing at your kids appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

TRYING to get a baby to fall asleep is a frustration that every parent will face at some point.

Neither of my babies liked to go to sleep. Some nights it could take anything up to four hours to get them to doze off, so I spent a lot of  time desperately browsing the Internet for The Answer.  As a result, I tried a lot of weird and wonderful techniques. Here are a few ways I tried and failed to get my babies to go the f**K to sleep:

Kiwi fruit or banana before bed because apparently they contain some magical sleep inducer. VERDICT: I may as well have given them speed.

Baby massage to relax and calm your little one into slumber .                                                 VERDICT: Baby oil + very lively baby = mess.

A jumperoo that we bought because our daughter once fell asleep after bouncing in the one at playgroup                                                                                                                                           VERDICT: Turned out to be a one -off event. A one-off event that cost us £80.

Patting their bum which supposedly emulates the mother’s heart beat and lulls the baby into dreamland.                                                                                                                   VERDICT:  This possibly works better if you have a baby who will actually LIE still and be patted.

Giving them a dream feed in the hope they will be full up and sleep for longer.                                  VERDICT: This did not go well. So imagine if you were fast asleep and someone woke you up by shoving a sandwich into your mouth. You’d be pretty pissed off, right?

Wean them off the night feeds because if there is no milk on offer they’ll stop waking up , right?  VERDICT: Wrong. This method assumes they are waking up because they are hungry. My babies just wanted to be awake – milk or no milk.

White noise because what could be more relaxing than the sound of the ocean waves.                    VERDICT: I would have to turn it up really loud to get the baby to hear it over her NOISE! Plus now every time I go to a beach I hear a baby screaming.

Bore them to sleep by explaining in great detail about what is is like to watch paint dry.   VERDICT: Unfortunately, my baby seemed  fascinated by this subject.

Mummy is here little one…

Make a replacement mummy so that when they start to doze off they will think you are there beside them. As my little one used to like to twiddle my hair I used my childhood Big Doll Samantha and sneakily replaced my hair for hers..

VERDICT: Yeah, yeah, OK. She is a bit terrifying. It would be safe to say the baby absolutely crapped herself.

Lick their ear lobes because someone on a Mumsnet thread swore by it and I had tried everything else and I was so tired and why the hell not and DON’T JUDGE ME.               VERDICT: Success. My baby drifted off into a peaceful snooze…Ok, this did not happen. This technique is bollocks. Obviously.

So I did not have any luck with any of these things but I have since discovered a few more unique methods that may be worth a bash. I wrote about them all over at Metro UK.. if you fancy a read.

I have also been writing about diets and talking about this Slimfast advert. WARNING: Once you have watched it you can never un-watch it.  Alexandra Burke and her breasts will be forever bobbing about in my mind. Anyway, I wrote it all down in  9 reasons not to go on a diet. 

 More hot tips in my book Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZk to sleep.  Available from book shops or on Amazon now!! 

Feel free to share your hot tips in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.. 

The post Some refreshingly different ways to get your baby to go the f**k to sleep appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

When I was a new mum I did NOT cherish every moment with my baby. In fact, I actually wanted to punch most of the moments in the face. My life consisted of trying to get my daughter to sleep, trying to get some sleep and stumbling around the house like a zombie not cherishing anything at all BECAUSE I WAS TOO BLOODY TIRED.

I used to beat myself up for not treasuring all the time I spent with my daughter, but thanks to random strangers in the supermarket and some inspirational Facebook memes telling me that I  should ‘enjoy every minute because it could be the last time so cherish the f*ck out of this and that or you will regret it forever because they grow up so fast’  I SAW THE LIGHT.

‘So wait, ‘ I thought. ‘Are you  telling me that BABIES ARE NOT BABIES FOREVER? They grow? AND THEY DO IT FAST? This is a revelation!  Why is no one else excited about this?  Why are so many parents panicking about sleep regressions and teething and sleep crutches and making a rod for their own back? THEY WON’T ALWAYS NEED US, PEOPLE.  We will sleep again. We won’t always be tired and one day, ONE FINE DAY, We might even get around to watching Breaking Bad. 

So if you are drowning in a sea of exhausted tears then hang on to this…

When you are dragging yourself out of bed at 4am to tend to a baby for the fuckteenth time remember, THIS WILL NOT LAST FOREVER.

When you have to clean up a poo-covered child with a single costa napkin because you went out without wipes – again – remember, things WON’T ALWAYS be this hard.

When you are crying in the shower because you’ve had NO sleep and your baby is screaming for you even though you have only been 30 seconds and you don’t think you can mum any more…remind yourself, everything is temporary.

One day, you’ll sell the old feeding chair on Ebay and start using the Moses basket for laundry. You’ll have washed your hair three days in a row and finally shaved your legs. And then at one point, you’ll look at that vomit stain that you never quite managed to get out of your sofa and feel all warm and glowy inside… Not because you regret not enjoying that moment- but because you’ll think THANK THE FUCKETY FUCK that Puke After Every Feed Then Scream phase has PASSED.

Of course, there were some special moments in the early days. The first smile, the giggles, the feeling of having a baby asleep on my chest. And those memories still fill me with  a longing to go back and experience them one more time. Although, if I did I’d have to double check that when I was done I’d get to hand them back and come home. Back to my Now Babies who aren’t really babies any more. Back to not-so-new motherhood where I don’t constantly feel like crap, I get to drink my coffee hot and I can actually enjoy my children.

So sod cherishing the moments. Living them is enough. Surviving them is enough. Experiencing them is enough. The good and the bad moments are what make us strong parents. Not a #blessed selfie in Valencia filter of one perfectly perfect moment you had just before baby puked down your top.

Just because you don’t cherish every moment does not mean you don’t cherish your child. It means you are human. And humans get tired and when we are tired, quite frankly all the moments can piss off.

But the good news is, once you are out of the thick fog of first time parenthood and sleep-deprivation, you will have an abundance of awesome moments coming at you left, right and centre.

The kind of moments that fill you with a happiness so intense it makes your chest ache. The kind of heart melting experiences that make you think ‘hey, let’s have another cute little baby‘ and then before you know it you have two under two and for a while you want the moments to piss off all over again…but only for a while. NOT forever. Because did I mention THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS OUT NOW

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post This may be the last time to cherish every moment because they grow up so fast appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

According to the latest set of pointless infant sleep guidelines by another Academy Of Expert Twats Who Have No Idea How Human Babies Actually Work,

‘Sleeping fewer than the recommended hours is associated with attention, behaviour and learning problems. Insufficient sleep also increases the risk of accidents, injuries, hypertension, obesity, diabetes and depression.’

The ‘recommended hours’ being that in a 24 hour day, four to 12 month-year-olds should sleep 12 -16 hours,  one to four-year-olds should go down for 11 – 14 hours and three to five-year-olds should be packing away a whopping 10 – 13 hours of slumber!   While some babies may well sleep for this length of time – MANY just don’t, won’t and never will.

I struggle to see the point of these guidelines.  After all, we do not deliberately prevent our little ones from sleeping.  We don’t wake them up at 4am or spend THREE hours doing bedtime at night for fun!  We are not idiots. Most parents would love their offspring to sleep for 16 hours a night. But the fact is, if they don’t – (aside from drugging them) there is nothing we can do about it.

So surely, the only purpose these recommendations serve is to make parents of babies who do not sleep much feel like failures.  Not only this, but by including the Obligatory List Of All The Bad Things That Could Happen to Children If They Don’t Sleep Shit Loads, they are burdening families with a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.

All human babies are different. Just like adults, some need more sleep than others. I would have thought that the academics at the guideline writing academies would be aware of this fact.

The only way these guidelines would be useful is if they provided a recipe for a magic potion that enables all babies sleep for the ‘correct’ number of hours every night.

In light of these ridiculous guidelines that are all over the media, Internet and baby books, The Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies has provided a more accurate guide for the academics and experts to include in their future studies:

*I would like to reassure anyone who is currently freaking out over these guidelines that BOTH of my children are happy and healthy despite never having slept anything even close to the ‘recommended’ amount of time.  

HOW MUCH YOUR BABY SHOULD REALLY SLEEP

0 – 1 MONTH

NAPS:   Enough to make you feel a little bit smug.

NIGHT: 0 – 12 hours (as long as you don’t put them down)

1 – 3 MONTHS

NAPS:   1- 3. But only in a moving car or on you.

NIGHT: Not much due to ALL THE DAMN FEEDING.

3 – 6 MONTHS

NAPS:   Occasionally, but only on you. (NOT SO SMUG NOW)

NIGHT: For as long as it takes for you to get into bed & close your eyes.

6 – 12 MONTHS

NAPS:   Unlikely.

NIGHT: Not very much. All the people who told you they would sleep when they are on solids are LIARS.

1 – 2 YEARS

NAPS:   Whatever. Are they even a thing?

NIGHT: Who f**king cares?

If you are currently baby-trapped under an obese, sociopathic, clumsy, idiot child firstly, NEVER CLICK ON ANY INTERNET PARENTING ARTICLE THAT HAS ‘RECOMMENDED GUIDELINES’ IN THE HEADING (it will end in tears) so feel free to read these things instead…

I also wrote about the perks to having a baby who does not go the f*ck to sleep over at Metro: 10 unexpected benefits to being a sleep deprived parent

My former sleepless baby (Sleep Thief #2)is now 4 and at school. She can read and everything so in your face American Academy of Sleep Medicine. This is my message to them

Or you could read this..

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post How much sleep does a baby really need? Real Life People With Actual Babies reveal the answer appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Are you too damn tired to try another stupid ‘revolutionary’ sleep technique that probably won’t work any way? Then help is at hand!

The Institute of Actual Real Life People With Babies has come up with an effort-free guide especially for the extremely exhausted parent.

G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P a pioneering method featured in my new book Sleep is for the Weak– is the only no-stress method that actually guarantees to get ANY baby to sleep through the night…eventually.

Get yourself ready for bed:  Babies can take anything up to take several hours to fall sleep, so you need to be comfortable and ready to slip straight into your own bed with your baby once you have given up trying to put her down in the cot.  It is also a good idea to empty your bladder.

Organisation: This is key to a successful bedtime. Before you even begin your routine empty your bladder and ensure your smartphone is fully charged. Trying to get your baby to sleep is a good opportunity to enjoy some quality screen time. You may be trapped in a dark room with a baby but you have the world at your fingertips.

Transfer ready: Is your baby drowsy but awake? Then she is NOT Transfer Ready. Wait until she is in a deep sleep. Then wait another ten minutes, just to be sure. Recent studies have revealed that 98% of babies believe that self-soothing is bollocks.

Only you: If your baby refuses to sleep anywhere other then ON you, then rest assured this is completely normal. The solution is simple. You must drink lots of coffee until the phase passes.

Sleep crutch: It is very useful to make a rod for your own back by creating a sleep crutch for your child. If your baby will only sleep in bed with you; let her. (Although, this is not advisable if you smoke, drink alcohol or sleep on a bed of nails etc etc). If she will only settle after a feed; then feed her. If you need to rock or sing her into dreamland – do it. These popular sleep-crutches have been successfully getting babies to sleep for thousands of years.

Learn not to sleep: Trying to get a baby to sleep when you have been awake forTHREE long days is tough, but do not fear! Babies are highly adept at training their parents NOT to sleep through the night. Eventually your body will become accustomed to the sleepless nights and despite what Google may tell you at 4am – you will NOT die of sleep-deprivation. Studies show that 100% of sleep-deprived humans with babies actually go on to live a long and healthy life.

Eye contact: It is very important that you make eye contact with your baby when settling them at night. That adoring look they give you at 2am is often the only thing that will help you make it through the night.

Escape: The baby is finally asleep! Sleeping babies have the ability to sense when their parent is about to leave the room. To avoid waking the baby you must exit with extreme caution. Do not breathe, do not rush and whatever happens do NOT look back.

Pour yourself a glass of wine: Your work is done. Relax (for about 15 minutes until the baby wakes up again).

Repeat this method every night and you rest assured you WILL enjoy a good night’s sleep again….at one point.

*Before undertaking any sleep training it is important that parents are fully prepared by ensuring that  coffee and wine are readily available at all times.

THE BOOK: AN ANTIDOTE TO SLEEP ADVICE

This and more sleep methods in my BOOK that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Have you tried the G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P method? Did it work for you? Feel free to comment below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..

MORE.. 12 things you should NOT do if you have been up with a baby all night

The post How To Really And Truly Get Your Baby To Sleep Through The Night appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Al & Teddy

Sleep thief survivor Al Ferguson explains how becoming a dad and experiencing the pain of a miscarriage led to the creation of The Dad Network. The 26-year-old launched the website after finding there were very few places for men to share their feelings on the challenges of parenthood.

AL’S STORY:

What was early fatherhood like for you?  

Very, very exciting! You’re still fresh in the early days so excitement comes a little easier! Having a brand new baby in the household totally turns your world upside down. The learning curve is steep and you need to be prepared to get things wrong. Turns out, it does matter which way round you put a nappy on!

What did you find most difficult about becoming a parent?

Being deprived of the normal and reasonable expectations of life! You know, things like eating a sensible meal once a day, sleeping, having a conversation about anything other than babies or work, (in fact, having a conversation that lasts longer than 30 seconds would be good), wearing clothes that don’t have dribble, sick or any other bodily fluid stains on them. I guess, what I’m saying is the hardest part of becoming a parent, is the fact that you are now at the bottom of the pecking order.

What is your day job – did you get ample paternity leave?

Being a teacher I was entitled to the usual two weeks paternity leave. However, our baby was pretty well-timed and was born at the start of the summer holidays! This gave me a good five weeks off, without actually having to claim paternity leave. This time was incredibly precious and I was very fortunate. The downside was that I think the more time I spent with Teddy, the harder it was when I did eventually have to go back to work.

Was fatherhood different to what you expected?

Tricky question! Erm… yes, but I think that’s because if I was honest, I had no idea what to expect. People tell you stories from their experience but until you experience it for yourself, it is exactly that – someone else’s story.

I expected to be tired, but not this tired. I expected it to be relentless but not this relentless! I expected to love it but not this much. In answer to the question, yes it was different to what I expected.

So, tell me a bit about your baby’s attitude to sleep and its effect on your family!?

Teddy is very contented baby. He is happy playing on his own and rarely cries. Really, during the day, he hardly cries at all! The closest we get is when he whines and goes red in the face if he’s hungry, tired or uncomfortable. Lucky us! Well, hang on… most of the time at night, he goes down wide awake on his own and gently drifts off without a peep. We’ve been told that this is rare. It’s once he’s asleep that the problems start. Firstly he’s a noisy sleeper. The wife tunes in to every single little squeak he makes, which means she sleeps incredibly lightly and never really gets a nice long stretch. Secondly, for most of the 5 months, he’s woken up (loudly) at least 4 times during the night, pretty much at these times: 00:00, 03:00, 04:00 & 05:30. Sometimes he can be resettled, sometimes he can’t. Either way, he has been a terrible sleeper. There’s so much more detail I could go into here, but the long and short of it is that he sleeps badly. The wife is up most of the night, I’m up a lot of the night (despite being a heavy sleeper) and we are both bloody knackered!

Al, Jen and Teddy

How do (did) you and your wife cope with the lack of sleep?

Nothing in the world can prepare you for sleep-deprivation which is why it’s one of the most affective forms of torture used in many countries! I must pause momentarily and say just how wonderful my wife has been. Most days, she’s looking after Teddy on little more than two hours sleep. Five months of two hours sleep and she is still standing strong and remarkably tolerant with me. I still leave my pants on the bathroom floor and the cereal bowls out and I’m still alive to tell you! She is amazing.

It is hard though. We’ve tried so many things to help; changing his routine, temperature of the room, more food, less food, times, controlled crying, demand feeding and nothing has made a difference. That can be hard to handle, especially when you’re so exhausted. I’ve surprised myself a little at how well I do on much less sleep. The way I get through is to simply put it in perspective of my wife. She’s up more and still has to look after him all day long.

Alternatively, some other of my personal coping methods consists of the following:

• Sleeping for a few seconds at a red light.
• Cat napping at work.
• Resting your eyes when you’re on the toilet.
• Faking fainting – I haven’t done this yet, but I reckon I’d a good few hours in the hospital!
• Offer to pop to the shops and use the reclining seats in the car for forty winks!

What first inspired you to set up The Dad Network?

The Dad Network originated shortly after my wife and I experienced a miscarriage. The story of our miscarriage is quite unique and it was a really difficult experience for the both of us as it stretched over our wedding. Following this I found that men/dads had very little space to share or communicate their feelings. The pub hardly seemed an appropriate place to talk about such an experience.

So, I decided to find my own personal corner of the web to share my thoughts and feelings. My wife falling pregnant again gave me even more things to write about and gradually people started to read it. It just built from there.

The inspiration though, was to simply be a space for dads to give time to their feelings and thoughts; starting with my own!

What one piece of advice would you give to new dads?

Join The Dad Network! (Shameful plug…) But the point is that the best piece of advice I could give is to speak to other dads. Ask them how they do it, what they do, when they do it? Share your ideas and ask for theirs.

One thing we have found through the blog is that there are so many other dads out there in the same position. We’re all fumbling through the darkness of fatherhood, none of us know the answers, so we might as well work together!

If you would like to read more about Al and his network of dads visit www.thedadnetwork.co.uk.

Has parenthood inspired you to achieve something great?  Whether you have overcome an illness, set up a business or survived a sleep thief against the odds, then I would love to hear your story!  Please get in touch on  [email protected] or contact me on Facebook.

To read more from parents who ROCK visit the Survivors page or for some ‘top’ tips on coping with sleep-deprivation check out my Survival Guide!

The post SURVIVOR STORY: HOW TO SURVIVE FATHERHOOD (ON BARELY ANY SLEEP) appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.