A Baby’s Guide To Dealing With Arseholes

(Picture: Getty)

 A BABY’S GUIDE TO BABIES (BECAUSE PARENTS ARE IDIOTS)

LESSON 3: How to visit a new baby without being an arsehole

Did you know that moving house is considered one of life’s most stressful events?

So imagine not only moving house, but moving entire universes. Because that my friends, is how it feels when new babies relocate from Inside A Woman to Outside A Woman. It’s a BIG deal.

Seriously, it is crazy on the outside! Every single thing we see is new and strange. I once just stared at a cushion for three hours. THREE HOURS spent just trying to work out what the hell it’s game was!

Have you ever wondered why babies sometimes cry a lot for no apparent reason? It’s because we are living in a state of continuous mind-fuckery ( I believe the grown ups call this ‘colic’).

Then there’s all the noise! That was almost enough to make me want to crawl back through mummy’s lush womb curtains.

Imagine going from hearing to nothing but the dulcet tones of a heart beat, perhaps the low hum of distant voices…to being surrounded by big fat shouty humans speaking at you in a language that you do not understand. IT IS WEIRD SHIT.

So when I arrived at the place my parents called ‘home’ for the first time I needed a bit of down time. The chance to get used to my new world in peace. But did I get it? No. I. Did. Not.

Instead, I was subjected to doors knocking, phones ringing, gadgets beeping, cooing, wooing, people sniffing me, prodding me, squeezing me, peepo-ing in my face and telling me I look like Uncle fucking Jack (Uncle Jack is an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver. I do NOT and never have looked like a an overweight 55-year-old lorry driver).

I don’t know why my parents let anyone come in. I blame Mary, myself.  Poor baby Jesus, had quite literally just been born when she let the world, his wife and some random shepherds come for a visit! She set a precedent, right there. Idiot.

The thing is, even though mummy looked and felt like crap, she was getting up and down, making tea, answering doors, taking phone calls and handing out chocolate digestives like they were going out of fashion.

What she should have been doing is sitting on her SORE stitched-up arse as much as possible and resting BUT she didn’t because, as I may have mentioned, parents are idiots.

So if you have just had a baby — don’t be an idiot.

CHILL OUT. A baby is yours to keep forever.  You have plenty of time to show your bundle of joy off to family, friends or random shepherds.

OK, OK, I know you’ll still get those arseholes visitors who won’t take no for an answer, but do not worry.  For those people I have laid down a few ground rules. You’re welcome.

Dear arsehole visitors,

New parents are tired, overwhelmed and mostly just want to be left the hell alone.

However, if you must turn up to welcome their newborn into the world right THIS MINUTE please adhere to the following guidelines.

1. Visitors are not permitted to arrive unannounced

This will be treated as an act of pure evil.

2. Visitors are not permitted to ask questions

Will you be getting the baby christened? When will she go in her own room? Will you co-sleep? Will you use breast or bottle? When do you think you’ll go back to work?

New parents do not need this kind of interrogation. They are knackered! They can barely work out what they are having for breakfast, let alone which school they will send their child too.

3. Bring presents (for mummy)

Seriously, doesn’t the woman who just pushed a small human out of her vagina, deserve something? Perhaps champagne or a box of chocolates? The baby has basically sat on it’s arse for the past nine months. It literally got the gift of LIFE.

4. Visitors must not under any circumstances mention ‘sleep’

How is baby sleeping? Are you getting much sleep? Does baby sleep through yet?

NONE of these questions are acceptable. Babies sleep like babies — ie. waking up all the bloody time for food, comfort or a nappy change. So please take it as a given that most new parents aren’t sleeping. So don’t be a dick. Shut the hell up about sleep and make a damn coffee.

5. Make your own bloody tea

Unlike the newborn you have come to visit, you are quite capable of taking care of yourself so get off your pile-free bum and make everyone a cuppa. Better still, stop off at Costa on the way to save leaving any washing up.

6. Change a nappy

It is a shit job but someone’s got to do it and that someone is usually mummy or daddy so come on, it is YOUR turn.

7. Wash your hands

You may think you have clean hands until you meet the mother of a newborn.

BUT it is a real true fact that new mothers are highly adept in detecting dirt invisible to the naked eye. She is well aware that on every square centimetre of your hand there are 1,500 bacteria.

And the moment you touch her baby’s face or, god forbid, let the baby suck your finger (why?)  – she can see all 50,000 of those germy little tossers wriggling off your hand and into her baby’s brand new little mouth.

CONCLUSION

You have just had an actual baby. You made a tiny human with your body. This is massive life changing stuff. You and your baby are physically and emotionally exhausted.

So take time to yourself  to wear your dirty pyjamas and stumble about in the dark like a zombie.

Spend those first few weeks cherishing the nappy explosions, the sleepless nights and the endless vomiting.

Savour being able to swear out loud while baby is too young to understand without being frowned at by Great Aunt Joyce.

People will get that you need time to acclimatise to your new life as parents.

If they do not then they are arseholes and so you’ve got to ask yourself – do I want to be friends with arseholes? (The answer is no, by the way).

Join me next time for Lesson Number 4:  Separation anxiety or where the hell did mummy go? Or Feel free to check out my other lessons in the series…

Lesson 1: How Babies Actually Work

Lesson 2: A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb


THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Feel free to leave a reply..misery loves company.