A bit about this newsletter….

1) Why are you writing a newsletter instead of  sleeping or drinking a nice glass of wine?

To share news in the form of a letter with you. Mostly because no one in my house gives a shit about my news. They only care about snacks and going to the fucking park. Of course, there is a big chance that you don’t give a shit either. And you’ll get so bored reading this that you click on a Google Ad just to get away from me, in which case you just made me 0.000001p which was all part of my plan, SUCKER!

2) What will be IN this newsletter?

On a good day I’ll share the important stuff I have been writing like this investigative piece about  a mysterious condition my children develop as soon as I switch off their light and say goodnight – you can check it out here ↓

Kid perfectly fit and well all day has 6,000 ailments at bedtime

And also this piece about my current bag situation…link below ↓

Woman’s handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles

I might even tell you about things i wrote that will be on the actual TV like this:

OR, on a bad day I might just email you a shopping list or a picture of my left foot.

There’ll also be some AMAZING  poetry like this….

SHIT
Sometimes
it’s ok to lose your shit
because if you keep your shit
you’ll end up full of shit
and you’ll explode
and there’d be shit everywhere
A shit storm
And nobody wants that.
– Emily-Jane Clark

— Emily-Jane Clark (@EmilyJaneClark) August 27, 2019

I might also talk a bit about sleep and kids because that is probably how some of you got here. Although, my kids go to sleep now (so that’s the Sleep is for the Weak sequel down the drain) I still have a little bed crasher but let’s gloss over that. BUT I ‘m still TIRED . Mostly because I lie awake thinking about all the stuff like this

3) Is this entire newsletter just going to be about this newsletter?

of course not. In fact, it’s about to get really exciting.

4) The exciting bit

I am doing a NEW newsletter!  (sorry).

5) In other news..

A lot of people have messaged me asking whether I am writing another book. The answer is YES but it won’t be about sleep  because as I may have mentioned my bastard kids have started sleeping now. I suppose i could have another baby…but I am way too tired and busy and just really don’t want another baby.   I am currently working as a comedy writer (or writer of bollocks for money as I call it) for various places including The Daily Mash and Mash Report (NEW series starts in September by the way) in between writing a novel for early readers (because I promised my kids I would write something with NO swearing in it) and a non-fiction book full of all the random poetry, dialogue and nonsense I scribbled in my diary during the first few years of parenthood  …AND a sitcom so you see, definitely no TIME to have a baby for my art…

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A post shared by Emily-Jane Clark (@emilyjane.clark)

And that’s about it for now!  Thanks for reading or fucking off to read all about that amazing mattress you saw on Google ads.

PS: My FIVE STAR (go me!) rated book Sleep Is For The Weak- which is an antithesis to baby sleep advice – is available on Amazon right now..

The post Breaking news for bored or broken people appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

WHY is it that when you co-sleep with your child, everyone else is far more worried about it than you?

First, you get the ‘Rod For Your Own Back’ people who are absolutely TERRIFIED for your future for some reason.

Then there are the People Weirdly Anxious About Your Sex Life. Even if, In A Bed At Night was the only place you and your partner could possibly ever have sex (if you weren’t too tired from ‘HELLO’ having a baby) WHY do these people even care if I’m getting any? STOP THINKING ABOUT ME SHAGGING YOU PERVERTS.

Next, are the most annoying of all, the ones that are obsessed with  ‘self soothing’  and don’t seem to understand that BABIES ARE BABIES AND IT IS OUR JOB TO SOOTHE THEM, YOU WANKERS.

Finally, there are the ‘Scaremongerering Shitheads’, who spout a load shit at you about the hazards of co-sleeping and keep tagging you on ‘READ THIS OR YOUR BABY WILL DIE’ articles on Facebook without actually checking the facts. I can only assume that these people truly believe that you are a drunk IDIOT who sleeps with babies while smoking fags on a sofa made out of danger.

So after years of enduring a lot of co-sleeping-based ‘advice’, hysteria and ‘helpful’ observations, I have come up with a few responses guaranteed to shut these unsolicited advisors DOWN (and possibly make sure they never speak to you again because they think you’re a twisted weirdo).

Comebacks for co-sleepers

THEM: You really need to teach her to self-soothe or she’ll never get herself to sleep.      YOU: You are right! If I  do things for her that she can’t do because she is an actual baby, she might stay a baby forever.  I’m also thinking of leaving her lying on the carpet until she learns to ‘self-transport’ and keeping her in a shitty nappy until she learns to self-shit-wipe?  That way she’ll be totally self-sufficient by the time she is one-years-old! Actually forget that, I am pretty sure that self-soothing is bollocks.

THEM: Oh my god you let your baby sleep in the Marital Bed? But what about sex? How do you do the sex? Your marriage is doomed without the bed sex?
YOU: Oh it’s fine we just have sex with the baby there while shouting ‘this is how we made you, sweetie’. It’s a real turn on (too much?)

THEM: It is dangerous to share your bed with a baby – they could die!
YOU:  Yes but I like living on the edge. I suppose I could read all the safety guidelines, get rid of my bed of nails and co-sleep safely but what would be the fun in that?

THEM: If you feed your baby to sleep, you’ll always have to feed her to sleep.
YOU: Tell me about it. My poor old mum fed me to sleep when I was a baby, and now every night I’m on the phone; ‘mum can you bring me a sandwich?’ and she whizzes round and feeds me a ham roll until I drop off. Bless her.

THEM: If you cuddle or rock your baby to sleep, it’ll become their sleep crutch and you’ll have to rock or cuddle them to sleep forever.                                                                               

YOU: Oh, I don’t mind the cuddling and rocking but it’s performing the nightly satanic rituals that are a pain in the arse. We did them a few times to comfort her and  now she simply won’t settle until we’ve sacrificed a badger to the devil. The old ‘Four Bs’ Routine- bath, book, badger slaughter and bed is a nightmare.

THEM: She’ll grow up to be totally dependant on you if you cuddle her all night.         

YOU: Awww do you need a little cuddle?

THEM: If she gets used to sleeping with you she’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by herself’.
YOU: I carried my babies before they could walk. Later, I held their tiny hands to support them as they toddled unsteadily around the room. Then when they were ready to take their first steps, I was there to catch them if they fell. They weren’t scared because they knew I was there if they needed me. They can walk now and don’t need me to carry them any more.

I reckon it is the same with sleep. Babies need us to help them sleep because we make them feel safe. If they wake up scared and alone, they need to know we are there. To catch them when they fall. They need us to support them, until they can sleep alone.

If we carry them when they need us, one day they will fly. Or sleep. Preferably f**king sleep.

MY BOOK FOR TIRED PARENTS

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post Handy Comebacks For Co-Sleepers appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

WHILE many people across the UK (Ok about five) are basking in the current heatwave, there are some of us who are not enjoying this hot weather.

Parents.  Mums and dads across the country are hot, bothered and stressed because their little angels just won’t go to sleep at night.

As a result everyone in the house is tired, sweaty grumpy and longing for those wonderful Beast From The East days.

But fear not my shattered sweating friends. Help is at hand.

Here is the only guide you need on how to get your kids to sleep when it’s really bloody hot

1) Read all the Internet articles about how to get your kids to sleep in a heatwave that basically tell you to use thinner sheets and open the f**king windows like WE NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT.

2) Spend three million years trying to block every single last piece of sunlight from your child’s bedroom window like a manic vampire only for them to outsmart you by turning their bedside lamp on.

3) Get your children a nice cup of cold water …and throw it in their whingeing little faces.

4) Move to Iceland. The country or the supermarket depending on your budget.

5) Put your child in a cool bath and…that’s it. Walk away.

6) Get a fan for your children’s bedroom so they can get their hair caught in it or stick a body part in it and then cry for two hours.

7) Try to wear your kids out by running around outside until you all pass out with heatstroke.   

8) Repeatedly tell them ‘go to sleep or you’ll be tired tomorrow’ even though in the history of bedtime that line has never made a child fall asleep.

9. Wonder if you are a bad parent when your kid tries to cuddle and you are all like ‘IT’S TOO HOT FOR BODY CONTACT GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN”

10) Open the window. Shout, ‘I’m too hot for this shit’, jump out and run away until Autumn.

READ MORE ABOUT: Barbecues in my hard hitting article for Daily Mash MAN COOKS MEAT AT BBQ BUT DOES SOD ALL ELSE.

OR BEDTIMES ON HOLIDAY: In my Holiday Bedtime Diaries (basically don’t even bother)

THE BOOK

Check out my book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and stories about surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post An alternative guide to getting your kids to go the f**k to sleep in a heatwave appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

PUT them down drowsy but awake or they’ll ALWAYS sleep on you.

Don’t feed them to sleep or they’ll turn into a gremlin.

Teach them to self-settle or they’ll NEVER learn to fall asleep by themselves.

Babies need 16 hours of sleep a day or bad, bad things will happen…

Don’t let them sleep on you or the world will end. That kind of thing.

Well, it’s all bollocks.

And all those warning about not letting a baby sleep in your bed or they’ll have to sleep with you for the rest of their life. Along with the stuff about how creating a sleep crutch for your baby will  condemn them to HELL?

All total bollocks.

‘THEY’ lied to me and they are lying to you too.

My kids are five and six-years-old now and I don’t ever feed them to sleep, they can self settle and as far as I can tell they are not gremlins.

They are happy and healthy DESPITE never sleeping fuckteen hours a night when they were babies.

What’s more, now this may blow your mind, but I fed my youngest to sleep until she was two and a half and these days she walks and talks and goes to school like a normal kid!

Then there’s my six-year-old who once upon a time would ONLY sleep on me? Well, last night she asked me to stop singing a lullaby (I was nailing it by the way) because she wanted to read.

And it is not just my children.  I know hundreds of people who’s offspring sleep perfectly fine despite never, ever going down drowsy but awake when they were infants.

I wish someone had told me that ‘they’ were full of bollocks when I had babies. I wasted so much time and money desperately trying to get my babies to sleep like the Bollockmongers told me they should sleep.

I would have still been knackered but I wouldn’t have been so bloody stressed!

If only I had trusted my instincts over the expert advice, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like such a failure who was rubbish at babies. Because now I look at my bright, funny, clever and well-rested kids and I KNOW for a fact I did nothing wrong.

My youngest daughter still climbs into my bed during the night but these days I don’t care what ‘They’ say. In fact, I don’t even know what They say because I stopped listening to their bollocks a long time ago.  I just know that when she grows out of it – which she WILL- I’ll miss those twilight cuddles.

I regret believing the bollocks. I regret trying so hard NOT to let my firstborn sleep in my bed. I’ll always regret throwing out my comfy old dressing gown BUT I’ll never regret letting my children sleep with me, settling them to sleep or letting them snooze on my chest.

So, parents. Next time someone tries to tell you what you should be doing with your child, just nod, smile, mutter ‘bollocks’ under your breath and walk away.

Read some of my bollocks.. So I do this now. Writing important stuff  about internet dicks and men taking so long to do a shit for satire news site Daily Mash and for TV’s Mash Report which included this viral message to all women..I also still write for Metro and you can find my stuff here..

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever…

Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights . It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

The post It’s all a load of bollocks appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

You’ve tried co-sleeping, no sleeping, gradually retreating and dabbled in Gina Ford but STILL your baby will not sleep.

So in a desperate moment of sleep deprived madness you go to the place you told yourself you would never go… The Mum Forums.

Then you post the words no parent should never post on the Internet  ‘How do you get a baby to sleep?’ . And things go a bit like this:

EMILYJANE

I am so tired. My baby is six months old and still wakes up all night every night. Does anyone know how to get a baby to sleep?

MummaFucker:

I feel your pain. @EMILYJANE I haven’t slept for a bloody week!!

TiredMummy:

A week! I haven’t slept since 1984.

SuperMummy:

You lot don’t know the meaning of the word tired! I’m a single mum with one leg, I work three jobs,  I have 68 kids under 3 AND I am gluten intolerant. You ladies need to Mum up! 

SmugMum:

I hate to tell you this but my baby has slept through from six days old. Sorry not sorry

MummaFucker:

I hate to tell you this @SmugMum but fuck off.

FordMum:

Are you still breastfeeding? If so, your baby is probably waking up for breast. Try weaning her.

MummaNuture:

Try breastfeeding. Breast is best!   I feed mine two at a time. 

MummyMia:

Excuse me, but I am not a bad mother just because I don’t breastfeed @MummaNuture?

MummaNuture:

That’s not what I said! No judgment here mamma. It is your body, your choice. BUT.. it is a fact that breastmilk gives babies superpowers and stuff. Just saying.  

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

FYI, it is also a fact that wine and coffee is best for tired mothers.

FordMum:

We switched to organic unicorn tears and our baby sleeps like a dream.

FunnyMummy:

We switched to gin and my baby does too.

CrazyMammy:

OT but here is a picture of Tom Hardy! You’re welcome.

OT but here is a pic of Tom Hardy.

MumzInBusiness:

Have you tried Sleepy baby pillow spray? I am a certified sleepy baby pillow spray seller. I can do you a good deal? I will DM you the info.

YummyMummy: 

Oh you need to do something, hun. Babies are meant to be sleeping 12 hours a night at that age. Have you tried putting her down drowsy but awake?

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @YummyMummy

 FordMum:

Do you know that babies who don’t sleep the recommended amount are more likely to be diabetic, insecure, depressed and fat, really fat.

MummaFucker:

Oh fuck off @FordMum

MummyMia:

Will you stop telling people to f*** off it is not appropriate @MummaFucker. I have reported to admin.

YummyMummy:

Perhaps he is teething? Or hungry? Or eating his teeth?

MotherDear:

Leave him to cry it out. I left my baby to cry three days ago and he is still asleep.

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OT but does anyone know what this rash could be ↓

YummyMummy:

@ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie   I am not a doctor but it looks like it could be cancer.

MummaNuture:

You should Co-Sleep @EmilyJane. Co-sleeping is the best thing you can do for your baby.

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t co-sleep don’t love their babies?

YummyMummy:

Do NOT co-sleep or your baby will die! 

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

OH MY GOD CANCER!??

CatMum:

I feel your pain @EMILYJANE I don’t have baby but my cat woke me up purring last night.

TiredMummy:

That is not the same! Why on earth are you on this forum if you aren’t a mum???

CatMum: 

I am a cat mum. Same thing.

MummaFucker:

Errr do you feed it with your body?  Do you have to wipe shit off it’s tiny anus?  UNLESS YOU DO IT IS NOT THE SAME. FUCK OFF!

MUMMY1981:

Admin! ↑

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

 I Googled it and it is not cancer!! Thanks so much for your support though that difficult time.

 ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney:

You need to stop rocking or feeding your baby (or cat) to sleep. They have to learn to self settle or they will always need you to rock or feed them to sleep.  Two words. Rod. Back. www.ICanMakeYourBabySleepForMoney.com

CrazyMummy:

OT but I think I am pregnant but not sure!! Can you see a pink line???

OhArhMam:

You’re not alone @EmilyJane. I’m so tired I’m considering shoving the baby back up my vagina so I can take a nap.

FunnyMummy:

Great idea. Would you go with head or feet first?

OhArhMam:

Probably head? Although, I’d probably need some kind of lube.

MummaNuture:

 Coconut oil?

MummyMia:

OMG! THIS THREAD! You cannot put a baby back! That would be abuse.  ADMIN you need to get in here.

LoveMyKids:

You lot should be grateful you have babies. Cherish every moment, ladies. Think of all those poor childless people out there without babies who just go to bed and sleep all night long. 

MummaFucker:

Lucky bastards. Can I cherish their moments?

ILikeBigMums&ICanNotLie:

After my cancer scare I am cherishing every second.

YummyMummy:

Go to the GP ASAP. There could be something seriously wrong with your baby. Have you tried a cranial osteopath? 

FordMum:

You need to sleep train your baby.  It worked wonders for us. Now my baby sits and stays whenever I tell her too.

YummyMummy:

Have you tried sticking to a consistent bedtime routine?

MummaFucker:

Message deleted by Admin. Please refer to the guidelines

MummyMia:

Are you saying mums who don’t sleep train are evil baby hating scum @FordMum?

OhArrhMam:

Talking about being tired – my OH is being a right dick. He just said HE was tired. Like, hello?

FunnyMummy:

Tell me about it. My partner spends at least an hour taking a shit, like he’s fucking royalty or something.

OhArrhMam:

What I wouldn’t give to shit for a whole hour. Oh do you think Kate Middleton gets to shit for that long? 

FunnyMummy: 

She probably has a special nanny for it. A shit nanny. Do you think it is possibly to nap while having a shit.

LoveMyKids:

I never shit. I don’t want to miss any of those precious moments with my baby.

EmilyJane:

SO what you are all saying is, I need to co-sleep and sleep train my baby while leaving her to cry for the rest of her life while drinking wine and coffee.

And that I should breastfeed with a bottle of unicorn tears while rocking her to sleep drowsy but awake? Then I should make a rod and put her to sleep while doing a  shit at the cranial osteopaths? Perfect. Thanks ladies.

READ MORE: The real reason your baby is awake?  Baby Spends Entire day Hatching Plan To Fuck Up Bedtime

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!! Also on Kindle.

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless updates using the form below..

[jetpack_subscription_form

The post A Beginner’s Guide to Mum Forums  appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

This book won’t tell you how to get your baby to sleep but it will show you how to stay awake successfully.

I am not going to lie.

This book will not tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night.

In fact, it won’t even tell you how to get them to take a nap.

But it WILL teach you how NOT to sleep through the night without punching someone in the face, killing your partner or selling your offspring to  a travelling circus.

It also provides realistic sleep guides, humorous no-sleep solutions, hilarious imagery and lots of REAL TRUE facts by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies.

So this book might make Supernanny throw herself off the naughty step and it may even cause Gina Ford to have contented kittens, but it might just help you survive the sleepless nights. 

Combining some of my own experiences in emotive detail from Postnatal Depression and severe sleep-deprivation to accidentally being branded the Playgroup Pervert, with witty illustrations and a fair bit of sarcasm, this unique book will serve as a source of inspiration, laughter and hope for tired parents!

ORDER HERE Hard back copy today! 

Alternatively, it is available from lots of lovely libraries and book shops!

Feel free to share your stories in the comments below or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below.

The post Sleep Is For The Weak: The Book appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

A STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO BABIES BY BABIES

Lesson 1: A baby’s guide to life outside the womb

The biggest mistake new parents make is to forget where babies come from.

I am serious! Instead of taking any time to consider the fact that they have just dragged us from the comfort of our peaceful womb palace into HELL, they are too busy discussing stuff like, ‘who does she look like?’ and ‘I think she has your nose’ and ‘oh look at her tiny fingers’ to think about what we might NEED during this time.

Is it any wonder we scream our heads off when the Baby Getter Outerer takes us away from our Womb Container?

Is it really a surprise that we cry when you put us down in a cot, all by our little old selves??

‘Where the hell is my womb?’  We are thinking. “Where is the human I have been attached to for all of my life? The one who grew me. We are part of each other. I am her, and she is me and I am not sure it is possible to survive without her. Plus she got the milk and that shit is good.”

What I am trying to say is that being born is no picnic. So when you are done cooing and wooing about this amazing thing you just made with your body, please spare a thought for your newborn.

This tiny human has gone from living an extremely sheltered life to being exposed to a zillion strange sounds and smells and giant humans getting right up in their faces and squeezing their adorably chubby cheeks.

Speaking as someone who left the womb not too long ago I can tell you that in those early days we feel vulnerable, confused and as quite frankly, scared as shit. And it’s not like we can call the Samaritans or Google ‘are baby-eating bears a thing?’ We got to work it all out for ourselves.

Put me down and you will regret it

The only thing we know is mummy (FYI, mummies, you look a lot better from the outside).  We recognise her smell, her voice, her spirit and her heart beat.

She is the only familiar thing in Outside of Womb and the only person who can make a newborn feel truly safe.

Who is the daddy?

I imagine right now some of you idiots are thinking  ‘ooh but what about daddies? Surely, they make their offspring feel safe too? Who wrote this sexist bumshit?’

So let me explain. I love daddy. He rocks. But back in those early days, not so much. You have got to understand. I had no idea who the hell he was.

He was just a stranger who kept taking me off mummy then staring at me with his big hairy face.

This is all newborns know about daddies:

a) They get stuff for mummy.

b) They take us from mummy.

c) We haven’t lived inside them.

So the reason we often cry when daddies pick us up is because at this point they are just  Wombless Baby Stealers! Look, it is nothing personal – it is just that newborns rarely trust  someone they haven’t seen the inside of.

Conclusion

What new babies actually need:

1) Peace and quiet to adapt to Outside World

2) To get to know Mummy from the outside

3) Time to work out whether to trust the Hairy Wombless Baby Stealer

4) Milk

What new parents actually need:

1) Sleep

So don’t be an idiot. You have just made a baby with your body. You are learning how to be a family.  You and your baby are tired and overwhelmed.

GO HOME.

Don’t try and do all the stuff. Forget the laundry. Forget about tidying up. Forget about getting dressed if necessary. None of this stuff matters now. All the matters is your baby because she is the boss of you now. Forever. Get used to it.

Forget the  arseholes friends and family who want to come and visit you and your bundle of joy before you have even had a chance to push the placenta out.

Be still, be quiet, be together and take care of yourself and your baby. Everything else can wait.

Good luck! Join me next week for Lesson 3:   Embracing Parenthood: kissing goodbye to nights out, sex, sleep, clean hair and other things that distract you from your new baby

You can also read part 1 of this series right here…

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there! It covers everything from from Postnatal Illness and how to avoid killing your partner when you have babies and how to really and truly get your baby to sleep (eventually).

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

Feel free to comment or join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more useless information like this using the form below..

The post A Baby’s Guide To Leaving The Womb appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

LESSON 2: AN IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SLEEPING OUTSIDE THE WOMB 

Babies wake up during the night because they are babies and it is what they do. This is a fact.

Yet, so many proper grown up people who have been to school and everything, some who have even written books about babies will not accept this.

They try and work out how to fix us when in actual fact we are just BEING BABIES and sleeping outside of mummy’s lush womby palace kind of takes some getting used to..

Ok, sure, sometimes we are teething, have wind, reflux or feel a bit peckish but a lot of the time we wake up because we don’t want to be asleep. We want to see mummy and daddy to check they’re still alive and stuff.

So next time your baby wakes up at night (sleep is for the weak) consider these things:

Teething…

Parents love to blame stuff on teething. My mummy often tells people I am teething when really I am just being a dick.

If I were actually teething the amount of times she says I am teething I would have 6,908 teeth. I have four. You do the maths.

So when I wake up at night – Daddy and Mummy often spend hours having the ‘is she teething’ discussion. And then they wonder why they’re tired in the morning! Idiots!

Hunger…

Many parents often believe that milk is key to getting a baby to sleep. While it is key to getting us to shut the fuck up it might not necessarily make us fall asleep.

Therefore, in the hope we’ll be SO full up we will sleep all night long, they feed us loads all day, before bedtime, during bedtime, do a ‘dream feed’ (which is a bit like someone sticking a sandwich in your face when you are having a nap – awful).

However, the only way to guarantee milk will make us sleep is to slip some whisky in it. (Calm down,  it was a joke..)

Separation Anxiety….

Parents often believe that babies cry at night because they need to be with them 24 hours a day. (Bless) But sometimes we are just bored shitless. It’s not like we can read a book or go clubbing Crying is all we got.

And the only people who can provide company or a slither of entertainment during the twilight hours are our grown ups.

So we stick our bottom lip out, hold our arms up and scream and we get a grown up to play with in no time.

Don’t be an idiot…

Right, I’m just going to say it. Parents. Are. Idiots.

For example, this one night I woke up at 4am.

It was dark, I was alone, a bit scared and I really fancied a cuddle (hey, I am a baby for god’s sake). So I did a little cry, all confident Mummy or Daddy would come and deliver a hug and make me feel better.

But… They. Did. Not. Come.

I kid you not, people. Lots of time passed, then lots more time but there was still no sign of my parents. So then I started getting upset for real.

What if they have gone forever? I thought. What if they are DEAD? What if they have run away?

By this time I was actually hysterical. Well, wouldn’t you be? As far as I was concerned, I was now an orphan who was going to be trapped in a cot prison forever, drenched in my own faeces and urine. The nappy rash alone would be hell.

Thankfully, a few seconds later my parents burst into my room looking like hell! I think Mummy had been crying.

Oh man, what’s happened to them? I thought. It must be something bad, really bad.

Then her and daddy started shouting at each other. Daddy was saying something about mummy ‘making a rod for her own back’. (Which if you ask me, sounds like a really weird thing to be doing at 4am. What is a back rod anyway? Grown ups are odd).

Anyway, then they start saying it is all their fault that I don’t sleep through the night because they always comfort me when I wake up.

BUT I WAKE UP BECAUSE I NEED COMFORT! I want to yell at them but I can’t on account of being a baby so I have to go with WAAAAAAH instead.

A quick memo about night wakings for idiot parents

Where was I? Oh right, so at this point things got really heated.

Mummy starts saying something about someone called Gina Fucking Ford while Daddy looks at his handheld information finder thingy.

“Here,” he announced triumphantly.  “Google says babies should be taught to Self Soothe and what’s more, they should always be put down in their cot when they are drowsy but awake.”

I have no idea who Google is but he sounds like a right wanker.

So then Daddy started doing this really strange thing where he would give me a lovely snuggly cuddle but just as I got all comfy and drowsy, he’d pull me off him and place me in the cold, dark cot prison. Then he’d look all surprised when I screamed my head off. Like, I am the weirdo!

He does this about five times until it is actually time for my feed so mummy gives me some milk and he goes back to bed muttering something about ‘ME keeping HIM up all night’

ME? That’s rich. I just wanted a little cuddle and they bring all this shit to my door.

CONCLUSION

Parents, do not be idiots. Give your baby what he wants. Even if what he wants is just you.  It is not like it will last forever or even for very long. Just until he realises that Outside The Womb is not as scary as shit after all.

I have written a book How Babies Actually Work (mummy helped a little bit) if you are a publisher or agent and would like to see the proposal then drop me a line!   Check out Lesson Number 2: A Baby’s Guide to leaving the Womb and Lesson 3: A Baby’s Guide To Dealing with arsehole visitors

THE BOOK

Check out my new book that contains no baby sleep advice whatsoever… Just lots of laughs and tips on surviving the sleepless nights from someone who has been there!

Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won’t Go The FzZk To Sleep at book shops or on Amazon now!!

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Welcome to Baby-Trapped: Some things to entertain, inspire and pass the time when your baby won’t go the f*ck to sleep…

1) The Good news….

This General Election campaign is almost over!!

2) And the bad news…

We might wake up tomorrow to find out we are stuck with a Conservative Government for another five years.

I have to confess, I don’t know a great deal about politics. It is a pretty feeble excuse but but as a mum of two small children, juggling work and ALL the laundry,  I don’t have a lot of time to watch the political debates and even when I do, the dulcet tones of Andrew Marr and Jeremy Paxman are often drowned out by small people shouting at each other about who had what toy first.

So, most of my of my political knowledge comes from BBC breakfast, online newspapers, radio  (Yep I am that old) and articles shared on my Facebook Newsfeed.

However, this is not to say I don’t CARE about politics. I care about creating a safer and more secure future for my children.

I am passionate about making this country a great and fair place to live for EVERYONE, whether you are rich, poor, black, white, disabled, mentally ill, male, female, British, non-British, gay or straight.

I would like a Government who cares about the ‘ordinary’ people. A leader who will make education, healthcare, mental health and family welfare a priority. A party who will put our children first because they are the future.

I want a Prime Minister who will run this country with kindness.

Somebody strong, but also kind, clever and fair. A cross between JK Rowling, Russell Brand and Adele, perhaps? Now, Jeremy Corbyn may not be exactly that but he is the closest thing we have to it at the moment so I voted Labour.  Anyway, that’s my very mild political rant done…

3) My Sleep Thief Survivor Story…

Four years, two babies, six million sleepless nights and thousands of cups of coffee and I am  getting some sleep. Ok, so Mumsomnia can be pretty crappy,  bedtime is still a bit of a battle and my youngest Sleep Thief always ends up in my bed BUT- seriously, this is BLISS compared to the old days. So anyway, you can read about what happened when I polished my turd of tiredness over at Metro.

4) This night feed read…

The One by John Marrs

This brilliantly entertaining book asks the question, “How far would you go to find the ONE?”

In this story, one simple mouth swab and a quick DNA test and you can find your perfect partner – the one you’re genetically made for. And for just £10 you can have their contact details!
This tells the story of five people who meet their match but with shocking consequences.

I loved this book because it made me wonder whether I would take the test? What if i did and the ‘Match’ was not my husband?  I still can’t decide? Would you?

5) This thing i am worried about…

I have been really struggling to write funny stuff  after all the sad and tragic terror attacks.

It got me thinking about my daughters and being torn between wanting to keep them safe and wanting them to live, full and exciting lives.

So I wrote this with tears in my eyes..

6) This blog…

Mummy’s Perfect World takes gives us a glimpse into the life of Sally – wannabe top blogger and a perfect mum of two young children, who has a devoted husband and a constant drive to be exceptional in everything she does. She’s basically a bit of a dick.  But her blog, in which she covers all the big issues like ‘where is all the hummus?’ and ‘Tinder for Tots’  is comedy gold.

7) This You Tube channel

Kaneing – Russell Kane’s series of hilarious rants about everything from politics to Kanye West’s bum hole is my new favourite procrastination.

7) Wineglasses that fit in your pocket are a thing…

These silicone  glasses that slip into your pocket will certainly make getting a bit pissed on park play dates a tempting option…

9) This Netflix show…

We are currently addicted to Master of None – the Emmy-Award winning Netflix show by comedian Aziz Ansari and his co-writer Alan Yang.  Ansari plays Dev, a 30 year-old actor, living in New York City. All the characters are really funny and unique and you will find yourself invested in them all by episode two. I have written this description three times but I can’t seem to sum it up without making it sounds rubbish. Just trust me  – it is brilliantly witty, clever and really very sweet.

10) And finally this….  

A Tried and tested method from  Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzZK to sleep – you can now read a few sample pages on Amazon..

Feel free to join me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.  You can also subscribe for more Baby-Trapped and other stuff like this using the form below.. 

Good night, Sleep tight…or just bloody sleep however you can..

The post Baby-Trapped #7: 10 things to pass the time during the night shift appeared first on SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Trying to look all professional and authory

Two babies, four years of sleep-deprivation, postnatal depression, food banks, rejections, coffee and a lot of swearing and finally my book is out!

So I had a little launch in Waterstones like a grown up author type…I have dreamt of this moment for so many years but when it actually happened- I have to be honest I was as nervous as hell!

So thank you to everyone who came along to support me, pass me pens, Prosecco, books and basically everything else I kept forgetting.

Here is how I survived and managed NOT to swear: 

1. Get drunk before you make your speech

I am crap at public speaking. So much so I went with my daughter’s advice which was ‘just say fart mummy, everyone laughs at farts.’   I also forgot the amazing First Book Launch Speech stuff I have been rehearsing in my mirror since I was about 9-years-old. I think the mistake I made was ‘trying not to drink too much’ beforehand in case I ended up looking like a drunken idiot. However, in hindsight, a drunken idiot would have been better than just an idiot.

2. Do not bring your kids or if you do, do not expect them to STFU during your speech

Kids do not give a crap about it being a very important day in your life and will STILL nag you for £1.50 for bloody Waterstones toys when you are attempting to make a speech. They will also scribble on your book and ask you to take them to the toilet every five minutes.

3. Invite bloody lovely people

As well as the family and friends I got to come along by promising them free booze, I was so pleased to meet a few actual sleep-deprived mums who follow me on Facebook.  They were just as funny and lovely as I had imagined them to be! I also met the gorgeous Beth from Little Dot Company who made my goody bags. She came along with some of her Sleep is for the Weak merch and she was so lovely most of my friends are now a bit in love with her now! And the awesome illustrator Lorna Cowley also came along to sign some books and bring an element of youthful cool to the event!

BUT the best thing about inviting bloody lovely people is that they helped to raise some money for Home-Start South Leicestershire!  Home-Start supported me through my dark days of postnatal depression and I just felt I wanted to give them (a very very little) something back.

So anyway, I did it. I hosted my first book launch. My dream came true. Ok, so in my actual ‘dream’ things went far more smoothly, I made a funny but poignant speech, the kids were angels and I was cool, calm and confident throughout…but what would have been the fun in that?

Sleep is for the Weak: How to survive when your baby won’t go the fzzk to sleep is available on Amazon now!! 

Thank you to everyone who featured in the goody bags Nibbling UK, Nom Nom Kids, Little Dot, Freyda’s Pantry, Well Roasted Coffee and thanks to those who donated to the prize draw Two Birds Spirits, The Kitchen Range Cook Shop, Jojo Maman Bebe and Mums Back.

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